You can’t ignore conflict and have that conflict just disappear. You also can’t resolve conflict by addressing it straight up. Working out conflicts is a complex process. Let’s talk through some ways that you can better handle conflict resolution, whether the person on the other side is your child, your spouse, your friend, or your coworker. The goal is to resolve conflict to restore relationships.
What to Do When You’ve Caused Conflict
Sometimes we hurt someone else’s feelings. We say things we flat out shouldn’t have said or maybe a joke didn’t land right with another person. Here are some practical things you can do whether your actions or words were intentional or whether they were misunderstood.
Don’t ignore the conflict.
Ask God how you can handle it.
Pay attention to your timing.
Pay attention to the words you use.
Consider the receiver, the person who has been offended. What is the best way that you can communicate with this person? You’ll find that reconciliation and restoration come so much more easily when you think about these things. You have to be the one to lead with humility. Show the other person that you care and you want to work through the misunderstanding to eliminate hindrances to your relationship.
Remember: you are not responsible for how the other person receives this from you. It is your responsibility to initiate and try to make it better. Try to see through their lens. Put forth the effort.
What to Do When You are the Offended
Let’s turn the tables. How should you respond when you are the person who has been offended by someone else’s words or actions? First, consider the source. If the goal is relationship, then go to that person, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and ask them about the situation. Explain how what happened is now straining your relationship with them. You may still have to be the initiator of this process when you’re the person who has been offended.
Forgiveness
What do you do when the other person isn’t aware they’ve done something to offend you? What about when you’ve hurt someone else and they don’t believe you when you go to them for reconciliation? Remember this verse:
If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
Romans 12:18 NKJV
Wounds can take time to heal. Sometimes that healing is very slow. You have to forgive and not hold on to the offense. Then prayerfully consider what your next steps are. This doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be hurt again, but also remembering that hurt is an unfortunate part of being in relationships with others.
Resolve Conflict: The Key to Relationships
Conflict resolution is so important. We must resolve the issues that happen in our everyday lives with the people we’re doing life with so we can continue to do life with them. The process can take time, so don’t quit. Ask God for the right timing, the right words, and the right heart. Also, ask that your words would land in a tender place in the other person’s heart.
I’ve been at the National Religious Broadcasters conference this past week. My experiences there made me think about people and how they pitch themselves to others. There’s a time and a place for pitching yourself, such as in a job interview. But, I think as Christians, we have to be careful of constantly self-inflating or making sure that people around us know how great or wonderful or accomplished we are.
Be careful of the “defensive self.” These are the people who blame others instead of owning and being responsible for their mistakes. They puff themselves up to make themselves look good or more authoritative.
Our purpose is to elevate Jesus, not ourselves. We don’t have to self-elevate because God equips us for what we need to do. We need to be living a life that is promoting and causing other people to see the Lord because it’s not about us. We need to be teaching this truth to our children as well.
We need God to give us discernment in this area. You need to ask Him to show you when you need to step back because a person’s motivation is about self-inflation over pointing people to God. When you see this, you need to be on guard. Put up some boundaries and limit the amount of access you’re going to give this person to you and your life.
P.R.A.Y. to Be Genuine
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
Romans 12:9-13 (ESV)
What are you doing to contribute to and help others? When I’m at these types of events and conferences, it’s easy to see who the takers and who the givers are. This passage from Romans clearly tells us that we are to be generous and help others.
The acronym P.R.A.Y. will help you remember for yourself and teach this to your children.
P – Pray and praise. Set your mind on the Spirit. Praise the Lord. Praise others for who God made them to be.
R – Repent. God doesn’t exalt the proud, but the broken-hearted.
A – Appointments. Ask God for divine appointments and conversations. Ask Him to lead you to people you can help. Be full of compassion.
Y – Yes or Yield. Know when to say yes and when to say no. Say yes to God and yield to His leading.
In these crazy times, have you fallen into the habit of self-elevation and defending yourself? Instead, let’s be given to hospitality. Find ways to use your gifts, strengths, and talents. Hold fast to what is good. Let your love for others be genuine. Be faithful and obedient to what He has called you to do.
I’ve been doing a lot of research about technology and how it affects our families and our kids. Since the beginning of the pandemic, online usage, especially social media, has risen 50% or more. But I’ve said many times that technology is not the problem! It’s the usage of technology that is the problem. It’s how we are using it and how often we are using it. How can you manage device use when your family is gathered together so that relationships are kept a top priority?
I was recently on vacation with my husband, my kids, and their spouses. Of the ten of us, there were plenty of times when the majority of the family would be found on a device. It might have been for work or it might have been for social media or it might have been someone just wasting time while waiting for everyone else. Seeing this, I wondered how this device usage could be tamed. How can we manage device use at family gatherings?
Once your kids are adults, the solution is not as easy as taking their devices away! The goal is to help your kids learn when to turn off the devices and how to be unplugged.
Set the Expectations Before a Family Gathering
If you’re planning a family getaway or gathering, discuss the plans and expectations beforehand. Talk about the loose agenda for your time together. A full itinerary would add more stress and inhibits organic conversations, but you can have a loose plan to set the overall tone for your time. Discuss the games you want to play or activities you want to do together and how the event or days will flow.
How to Talk to a Disengaged Family Member
If in the midst of the family activity of hang out time, you find that one of the kids is disengaged, ask if everything is ok. Maybe there’s a problem with a friend or a work emergency? Don’t assume that they’ve stepped away because they don’t want to be with the family. Give the benefit of the doubt. Manage your expectations and give grace. Don’t jump to being offended!
When you see that there’s a family member who is constantly on their phone, what can you do? First, stop and pray. Next, observe. Wait for an opportunity to ask if everything is ok. When the time is right, privately ask questions to get to the heart of the matter. Gently point out to the person that you’ve noticed they’ve been on their device a lot and you were wondering if everything was ok.
Help your children understand that they need to be present for the people who are physically in front of them first. Don’t let the person in the phone be put first. Teach them to stay engaged and let the person in the phone wait a minute. This will deepen the relationships in your family.
It’s been a long road for this podcast, but I’ve stayed the course. The Equipped To Be podcast began just a few weeks before COVID hit and the world went into lockdown. I knew we were supposed to be doing this podcast. People had been asking me for a podcast for years. In February 2020, we prepared and went live at the end of that month. That was almost two years ago! And now, here we are at episode 100! Let’s take a look at these first 100 episodes and what is needed to stay the course.
I started this show for YOU, and I love your feedback. You’re always welcome to contact me directly with any comments or suggestions. Just use the contact form here to email me.
The First 100 Episodes
Let’s take a little walk down memory lane at some of the best and most downloaded episodes from these first 100 episodes.
We’ve had some amazing guests on the show. Take a look at some of these favorite guest episodes:
My goal is that with every episode of Equipped To Be, you’d come away with some nugget or point to ponder as you go about your day. That might be about your personal life, your relationship with your kids, schooling decisions, or so much more. I’m thankful that you’re here and pray that I can keep adding value to your life. I want you to succeed and be found faithful!
Staying the Course
People have asked me: How do you stay the course? It’s a little cliche, but if God calls you, He equips you. It’s so true! The thing to keep in mind is that the outcome is not as important as you getting started and staying the course, whatever that path is. Here are three things that you need to have in order to stay the course.
Internal Conviction
You have to have an internal conviction that you’re doing what you know you’re supposed to be doing. There’s a drive. You know you have to do this thing, no matter what else is going on around you. The enemy may come and try to make you question, but you know your calling. You may question, but God gives you the winks and nudges that you’re on the right path.
External Commitment
When something needs to be done, you get up and do it. This is an external commitment. Your children need you to get up and teach them, so you do it. You have a deadline to meet, so you work until it’s done. The house needs to be decluttered, the dinner needs to be made, the groceries need to be purchased, the budget needs to be balanced, so you follow through. I made an external commitment to show up here for you every Wednesday morning at 8 am. So, here I am, week after week.
Eternal Perspective
It’s not worth doing something just for an award or to have your name in the spotlight. It’s not wrong, in my opinion, to obtain these things, but they can’t be your only purpose in life. Does what you’re doing have eternal significance? At Equipped To Be, one of our goals is to strengthen families, and that makes a difference for the kingdom.
I’ll be honest. Sometimes, despite conviction, commitment, and perspective, there will be days when you’re more productive and some days when you feel like you’re grinding it out. God is simply looking for two things: your obedience and your willingness.
The Future
Thank you for sticking with us for 100 episodes. I’m excited about what’s coming in the future!
Have you thought about what your calling is and how you can reach it? Do you wonder about how you will get it all done? If you look at the Proverbs 31 woman and think that you’ll never measure up, I want to remind you that story is a picture of this woman’s whole life, not a snapshot of a 24-hour day! You can build the life, the credentials, and the tools needed to fulfill what God has called you to do. And you have to discipline your mind to get there.
Discipline Your Mind
When you’re struggling or find yourself in a rut, you have to intentionally discipline your mind. This is a moment-by-moment, daily exercise. It starts from the moment you open your eyes and doesn’t stop until your head hits the pillow at night. This practice will impact your day, your actions, your words, and your thoughts.
Take Hold of Your Thoughts
The saying goes something like this: As a man thinks, so is he. As much as you try, you’re not always going to be strong. There are actionable things like practicing gratitude and thankfulness that can help you take hold of your thoughts.
Be Careful What You Tell Yourself
Keep yourself from wallowing in self-pity! Don’t fall into the trap of telling yourself that you’re dumb or a loser or other things like that. You have strengths. You have God-given abilities and talents ready to be used.
Know Your Limits
It’s important to know what season of life you’re in. There are times to step out and away from something. Remember that balance is a myth. You can’t compare what you’re doing to someone else. That person is in a different season and has different gifts from you.
Clear Vision
You need to have a clear picture of what you want for your future. You can also paint a picture of the future for your children. Want to know how I did it all? I didn’t! I would step out when needed. I knew my limits. I lived my life in preparation for tomorrow. Doing what God has equipped you to do will only be possible when building these disciplines into your life. It’s time to discipline your mind!
I was reviewing some data recently for a project that will soon lead to another book. As I analyzed that data, it made me think about excellence. I pondered what it means to live a life of excellence. What are God’s standards? Excellence is important in education, in your parenting, and in your business. Whatever your task is today, excellence in that task is of utmost importance!
The Little Things Matter
Maybe you don’t think that all of the little tasks that you do in a day matter. There are little things that seem menial to us but which make a big impact on others. Maybe it’s something as simple as making breakfast for your kids each day. Simple to you, but a big deal to them. Without breakfast, they’d starve!
“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.”
Colossians 3:23-24
Do Your Best
You have a unique assignment from the Lord. You need to run that race without falling into the trap of comparing yourself to someone else and their race. Don’t measure your best against someone else’s standard! That person has a different focus and different skills from what God has given you. Run your race to the best of your ability.
Don’t Grow Weary
It’s easy at the beginning of a new year to have big goals. Maybe you’ve chosen this weighty word to define your coming year. And then just a few weeks into the year, now you may have waxed and waned. Or maybe you are just plain tired. It’s tempting to say that good is good enough. Nope. Your best effort is what’s needed.
Leading Your Kids
When I decided to homeschool my kids, there were still some remnants of the myth going around that you couldn’t teach your own kids without a formal degree in education. Well, that’s been thoroughly debunked now. What you really need are conviction and passion. After that, you just have to do the work. Learn and figure it out along the way. But, you’re selling your kids short if you don’t teach them to strive for excellence. I’m not talking about perfection. Perfection isn’t achievable or attainable. That’s unrealistic. Excellence on the other hand is attainable because it’s about doing your best with what God has given to you.
Persevere
Sometimes life is hard. Caregiving for an elderly family member. Living with a difficult diagnosis or illness. Dealing with a wayward child. You have to get up each day and do the best you can. Tomorrow might be different. You might be able to do more or you might have to do less. Either way, you’re going to do your best. Rinse, repeat. Do your best again. The results of this perseverance are hard to see when you’re in the messy middle. I can look back now and see how things that were started years ago have turned into something put together by God. Press on, doing your best.
“What God calls you to, he’s going to equip you for it.”
Connie Albers
Stop Making Excuses
Your goal in life is to be able to stand before the Lord and have him say, “Well done good and faithful servant.” Your life does not need to be a hot mess. Sure, life is messy, but you don’t have to be a hot mess! No one can know it all or be it all. Run your race in your lane. There are reasons and there are excuses for not doing your best. Are you making excuses? Are you afraid to fail? Afraid to succeed? Take some time to examine the reasons why you make excuses for not doing your best.
Living with Excellence
You can do what God has called you to do. It is possible to live equipped. Work on gaining knowledge and skill for your tasks. Listen to the Lord’s leading. Learn when to say yes and when to say no. Be wise and discerning.
When I decided to homeschool my kids, it wasn’t because I was running away from something. No, I was actually running towards something better. I was aiming for excellence for my kids’ education. There was a lot I didn’t know, but I put in the work and showed up every day to do my best for them. This is how we should live in all areas of our lives. Strive to live a life of excellence in everything that you do!
