Tom and I did a lot over the years to cultivate close sibling relationships within our family. I hear frequently that this is an issue of importance and concern for you as you raise your kids. You want to build strong sibling relationships between your kids. So, what do you want to see for your relationship with your kids when they become adults? What do you want to see in the relationships between your children when they become adults? Let’s talk about how you can build a strong foundation starting now to achieve that vision.
Throughout the day we spend a lot of time settling arguments and soothing hurt feelings between the kids, don’t we? Someone did something to someone… again.
“Mom! So and so looked at me funny.”
“Mom! So and so broke my lego set.”
“Mom! Why does he always get to stay up late?”
Sometimes it’s an endless list of offenses, isn’t it? By the end of the day mom falls into bed worn down and worn out. Maybe she’s even begging the Lord to please make the kids stop fighting and start getting along. I bet that happens in your family too. If you have several kids, the amount time spent being a peacemaker or referee can quickly add up.
The truth is that teaching your children to love and honor and accept each other for who God made them to be is necessary to the future of your family. I believe God established the family unit to not only bring Him glory but to help us live a life of togetherness.
You probably already spend countless hours investing in your child:
Reading
Playing
Teaching
Going to church
Reading God’s Word
What more can you do?
Relationships, Relationships, Relationships
You want to build a strong family. You want what’s best for your family. It’s going pretty well until maybe around middle school or high school or college and then you might find these relationship related things are becoming a little harder.
People often ask me about my kids and our relationships. How are the relationships now that they are adults? How did we get there? Well, it is important to know first that how we live life has changed over the years. This is something I write about in Parenting Beyond the Rules. The schedules and routines we clung to when the kids were little, like nap times and bedtimes, shifted when we hit new seasons like high school. I suggest not becoming perplexed when what used to work stops working. There is a natural shifting and changing that takes place over time. Let God lead you in how to change these things as you and your children grow and change.
I don’t think when I was a younger mom there were as many self-proclaimed experts telling me what to do, but I was still careful of who I let give me advice in those days. Back then, I would sometimes get down thinking about how imperfect our family was or how I wished things could be better. That’s the internal drive I have towards ideal. The problem is that’s not realistic. What is realistic is that we have to cultivate that which we want. We have to put in the effort it takes to guard and protect and nurture those sibling relationships. Then we must be willing to adjust along the way.
Richard Plass and James Cofield wrote in The Relational Soul (page 12): “We are designed for and defined by our relationships.” Think about that for a minute. You are designed for relationships. First with God, then with others. Next, you are defined by your relationships. First with God, then with others. Being designed for relationships with others starts within your home with the imperfect people God chose for you to do life with.
“We were born with a relentless longing to participate in the lives of others… We cannot not be relational.”
The Relational Soul – Plass and Cofield
How to Build Sibling Relationships
We must nurture trust with and between our children. They need to know that your family is safe. This is a safe place to be you. Here are some ways that you can do that:
Don’t allow your children to poke, make fun of, or shame their siblings for their weaknesses.
Listen to learn why a child struggles with another sibling.
Don’t allow your kids to compare between each other.
Ask leading questions
Don’t let joking cross the line to making fun of a sibling.
Remind each child they are part of something larger – the family!
Trust is the key to building the relationships that hold your family together. It takes sincerity, reliability, competence, and care every step of the way.
How can you learn to love struggles and trials? We are conditioned to ignore and suppress struggles and trials in order to not appear weak or vulnerable. But, God can use struggles and trials to grow and change you if follow His leading.
It is important that you know that God has equipped you to walk through struggles, and you should not be consumed by them!
Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.
Lamentations 3:22 NKJV
Struggles and trials are common to everyone. I’ve been in difficult situations many times in my life. I’ve learned that these struggles and trials are teaching you something you wouldn’t learn without them. God can teach you things like:
Patience
Perseverance
Perspective
and more!
These struggles and trials are making you stronger! My husband and daughter recently went on a cross-country motorcycle trip. From the outside, it looked like an amazing trip. The reality is that they faced all kinds of storms and winds along the way. In pursuit of their dream, they endured incredible trials and struggles. God took them on unexpected detours that allowed them to experience the most beautiful places, but it wasn’t easy.
Struggles and trials force you to your knees, not to crush you, but to make you look to the Lord. In your weakness, God’s strength is made known. Struggles and trials change you. You will come through a struggle or trial differently than when you entered. Your faith will grow. Your resilience will increase. Your attitude will improve. Think about grandparents. Why are grandparents typically easier on grandkids than they were on you? They learned everything isn’t the battle we think.
How will you look at your next difficult circumstance? Will you learn to love struggles and trials?
Grief is part of life. Death, loss, separation, trials, unmet needs, or unfulfilled expectations are a few things we find ourselves grieving over. How can you walk wisely through seasons of grief?
How we deal with grief can depend on our age, temperament, the ages of our children, faith or lack thereof, and the circumstances surrounding the situation. With all these factors to consider, walking through seasons of grief is a rather personal matter. How you process what you are feeling is unique to you.
Planning for Grief
By the time I had hit my late teens, I had survived a boat explosion, my parent’s divorce, abuse, abandonment, and betrayal. That is quite a lot for a child to endure, but I learned lessons through these events that would serve me well throughout my life. I learned that:
God had a plan.
Life will still go on.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, if you choose not to get bitter.
We can’t plan for accidents or losses. Oh, I wish we could. We can’t count on friends to walk with us — though some will. We can’t expect our spouse to know what to do — though many do try. People won’t fully understand what you are going through — so don’t expect them to. That isn’t fair to others.
While we can’t plan what will come our way, but God does. He knows precisely what is coming and how He will make a way if you lean on Him. His ability to help you overcome and walk through dark times is unmatched! You can’t do it on your own. And you were never meant to either.
I’ve learned people don’t get to the other side of grief in the same way. How will you choose to walk through grief?
How to Walk Wisely Through Seasons of Grief
These are some things to hold onto as you walk through seasons of grief:
Discover the joy within the stop and go of life.
Remember that the grieving process takes time.
Keep in mind that seasons of grief shape you.
Have patience. Transformation happens slowly. It’s doubtful you’ll see the change happening until you reflect back at a later time. But, if you walk through your season of grief well, you will be refined.
See how God gives you a greater capacity to walk with others in their seasons of grief.
We all will suffer. Suffering is as much a part of life as joy and happiness. What you do with that grief and how you allow God to refine you during those seasons of grief are what will define you.
Are your school-aged kids at risk? How will this back-and-forth schooling impact our kids? First, the back-and-forth disrupts children’s rhythm and routine. They don’t know what to expect when things change from day to day. Some children can roll with the ebbs and flows with great ease, but the disruption throws them off for other children. So, what can you do as a parent to keep your kids from being at risk?
Children thrive on routine and consistency. But, unfortunately, the back-and-forth of schools opening and closing can harm children, especially when parents must work full-time. But there are ways to help your children and their friends navigate the back-and-forth so they don’t get behind.
Supplemental work
Giving a child supplemental work can be helpful to reinforce skills previously taught. Elementary students will benefit from hands-on learning. Cooking, playing, and making crafts are fun ways to apply what they have learned. Middle and high school students can benefit from worksheets that help them practice math and English concepts.
Avoid Talking Negatively
It is wise to avoid talking negatively about what’s happening. Some children won’t react well and can get quite upset. By being careful of what we say in front of our children and what they hear from well-meaning adults, our children are more likely to stay calm.
Should Parents Hover?
It’s important for parents not to view their desire to help their children as hovering. Instead, think of it as helping your children make academic progress by coming alongside them. Parents can offer critical feedback as well as identify when a child starts to struggle.
Set Expectations
Setting expectations can help your children continue to make forward progress. But we do want to make sure those expectations are realistic. Look for progress that is commensurate with their ability. Try not to compare siblings or allow online educators to compare your child with others in the course.
Children do need to understand they are caught in the middle of this back-and-forth. Parents need to remember that children can get frustrated by not having a say in anything right now.
There are ways to incentivize our kids to stay on track so they aren’t at risk!
Be positive about their day. Kids need reassurance that it’s all going to be OK.
Monitor your environment. Children feed off their surrounding environment.
Tell your children the plans for the next day on the night before. You can talk about the next day at dinner or during bedtime.
Remind them in the morning of your conversation the previous night.
Keep some consistent routines. Wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed.
Give children a reason to follow your instructions. Kids love rewards.
Whether your children are being impacted directly, they can still get caught in the back-and-forth of what is happening and their education. However, your wise counsel and discerning spirit can keep your children from being at risk.
Why does knowing your strengths, talents, and the domain order matter?
If you missed episodes #71,#72, or #73, go back and listen to those first before jumping into this episode.
Here are three reasons why you should utilize the Talent Theme Domains.
It gives an individual another way to think about their talents. If you know the underlying motivation, you can communicate more effectively. We can better understand why we do what we do. Believing God has given you and others unique talents, gifts, and strengths allows you to use words and phrases intentionally.
It gives an individual more confidence in mitigating their weaknesses. Rather than focusing on their bottom Talent Theme, the individual can look at the Talent Themein the same domain that is highest in their sequence and determine how to use that talent to achieve the result the results they are looking for. You gain more confidence when you learn how to manage your weaknesses regarding Talents. Now, I want to remind you there are no bad strengths. One strength is no better than another. The purpose is to see what is good and right about you. I’m just going to repeat this. I think I’ve said it in every episode. But it needs to be repeated because we tend to see what’s wrong with us and others, which causes anxiety and strife. The purpose of this series is that I want to help you know what is good and right about you. God formed and fashioned you; he made you exactly as he wanted you to be. Should you work on areas of your life? We do because we need to; we’re not perfect. We are in the process of being polished and refined, and that takes intentionality.
It gives you a way to look for gaps and learn how you speak to others to get people moving in a specific direction. For example, to get your children to do what you’re asking them to do or get them to talk about something important to them. If you learn how to utilize the Talent Theme Domain buckets, you can motivate your children or even yourself to move towards that goal.
Invite your friends to tune in. You should also go back and listen to the first three parts of the Strengths series on Knowing Your Strengths. I hope and pray that this is a huge blessing to you and helps communicate with your children, spouse, friends, co-workers, and ministry leaders better. It’s just so important to learn to pause for a moment and think about how others will hear what you say.
If you’re a note-taker, press pause for a second. I want you to write something down: It’s not about what you say. It’s about what someone else hears that matters.
For example, you can communicate a request thinking others know the intent behind your words, but it comes off as a command to the hearer. On the other hand, not thinking first can cause a simple request to fold the laundry to come across as an abrupt or demanding void of empathy or compassion.We want others to hear our words to land in a tender place of someone’s heart. So we can’t be harsh or reckless with our words.
Focusing on your Talent Themes and where they place in the order of dominance can make a huge difference in your relationships.The Gallup Organization puts talents into four domains: The Relating Theme, Impacting Theme, Striving (Executive) Theme, and Thinking Theme.
We can use the knowledge of Talents to identify negative labels as clues to a talent. In addition, learning to use negative labels as clues can positively benefit those we love.
Four Talent Theme Domains
Relating Talents—used to create, develop, and sustain relationships effectively. Prompt how a person reaches out to others and responds to those who reach out to them.
Adaptability
Developer
Connectedness
Empathy
Harmony
Includer
Individualization
Positivity
Relator
Influencing Talents—contained in themes used to motivate others to action. Prompts a person to set a course for individuals and groups to follow and then get them moving along that course. Stimulate others to be more productive, reach for excellence, and fulfill personal potential.
Activator
Command
Communication
Competition
Maximizer
Self-Assurance
Significance
Woo
Striving Talents—contained in the themes used to push the self towards results motivates a person to get things done, then seek greater accomplishments. Distinctive motivations that influence individuals to do the same task differently. Striving themes are the fuel that propels people to excel, take risks, and set high expectations.
Achiever
Arranger
Belief
Consistency
Deliberative
Discipline
Focus
Responsibility
Restorative
Thinking Talents—the way people gather, process, and make decisions with information and mental images. People think in the past, present, or future. Thinking themes influence one’s view of the world, the way they treat others, interpret current events, solve problems, and create opportunities.
Analytical
Context
Futuristic
Ideations
Input
Intellection
Learner
Strategic
Words to Use When Describing Negative Labels.
Use those labels as clues to see the positive side of their characteristics:
Controlling say In-Control
Bossy use Assertive, Determined
Doormat use Flexible
Obstinate use Persistent
Anti-social use Inner-directed
Uncooperative, antagonistic use Independent thinker
Smart-aleck use Clever
Nosey use Curious
Not a team player use Self-motivated, Inner-directed
Think about the positive attributes of negative words. Our words have the power to build up or tear down. By taking the time to think before we speak, we will be heard and understood more clearly.
God uses people to accomplish his will. He expects us to engage with the world around us in an understanding way. Furthermore, we are to teach and train our children in the way they should go. Leading our children by speaking in a way they hear can have a dramatic impact on your relationship.
God has uniquely wired people to complete their assignments.
Thank you for tuning in. We would love for you to leave a review. Unfortunately, I forget to ask you to leave a review regularly or to hit the subscribe button in your favorite podcast app so it pops up in your feed so that you can listen every Wednesday at 8:00 AM Eastern.
*Note: if you purchase one of the books with a code, you do not need to buy an additional code from Gallup. But, don’t buy a used one. The chances are that code has already been used.
**If you have a tween or younger teen, I recommend that they take Strengths Explorer. It is geared for kids ages 10-14.
Are you running your race with confidence or looking around at what others are doing? Do you know why running your race is important? Do you find yourself looking at others and trying to imitate them?
How you run your race depends on your season of life. A twenty-something runs differently than someone in their forties or sixties. Why? Life experience, the demands of children, and physical health. It is wise to accept the realization that your race will change as you age. God designed it this way.
Every runner knows the speed at the beginning of their race will get slower the further they run. It’s natural to slow down. This is true of you. It is true of me. Understanding this reality early in life will profoundly impact how far you can go later in life.
But running your race with confidence requires you to consider a couple of truths. You can’t run your race if you are in someone else’s lane. And you have to know what race you are running. Life is not a sprint; it’s a marathon. Sure, there are times one needs to sprint, but the amount of energy it takes to sprint can’t last long. Our bodies are designed to run a marathon at a sprint pace.
How Do You Start Strong?
Discover who you are. It’s more than temperament and Enneagram type. God made you a one-of-a-kind original. You aren’t a copy of someone else.
Take an honest look at your talents, then decide which of them you are passionate about developing.
Focus on becoming excellent in a few areas. This takes time and lots of practice.
Be willing to pivot. Change does not mean you are wishy-washy. Your race will require you to change. As your season of life changes, so does your ability to run. It is wise to be aware of this.
Your race is unique to you! You can’t do what everyone else is doing.
How will you run? There is a bit of strategy in preparing for a race. A runner has to know what they are capable of doing.
Get serious about learning more about yourself. Be intentional about your discovery process.
What are you doing to develop the talents God has given?
What is your season of life?
Running your race with confidence will not allow you to miss God’s best for your life. You aren’t missing out when you focus on being faithful to doing your best in your season of life.
If you don’t run your race with excellence, who will? No one.
How Can You Discover More About Yourself?
Pay attention to what excites you.
Listen to the stirrings of your heart.
Start journaling. Write down God’s subtle whispers.
Don’t be afraid to try something new, even if you are afraid.
When You Run YOUR Race with Confidence
You aren’t tempted to look at what others are doing.
You are more focused on your training.
You don’t feel compelled to compare yourself to others. It loses its appeal.
