How does your child think? How do they process the world around them? If you have multiple children as I do, you have probably seen that one child can be extremely different from another child in your family. This is because each of your children is uniquely created by God!
This is episode eleven of a series I’ve been doing on my book, Parenting Beyond the Rules. From the beginning of parenting, I wanted to know how my kids tick and what ticks them off. We have already talked about how the goal is to reach the finish line with your relationships with your children intact. You want them to know that you are their greatest cheerleader and that you are trustworthy. Part of that process is to help each child find how they were uniquely created and this requires a lot of observation on your part.
Expansionists vs Reductionists
Children are expansionists. They are explorers and adventurers. They see the world as full of possibilities. Kids wonder what if and what’s next. You as an adult have likely become a reductionist over the years. Sadly, you’ve learned that the big ideas and plans don’t always work out. You don’t dream big dreams in the same way you used to, you don’t try new things, and you’ve stopped being as adventurous.
We have to fight this reductionist tendency in our own lives for the sake of our kids! It’s up to us to breathe life and adventure into our kids. You have to walk with them to discover the person God made them to be and keep that natural wonder from being pulled out of them by the world.
Doing Life as a Family
To do life together as a family, you have to know each other well and celebrate how each member of the family is different. Your kids also need to understand that no child is better than another because of their gifts, or lack of a particular gift. Create an environment where they know: you are celebrated for who you are, the gifts you’ve been given, and the wins you experience, but you will never be canceled for screwing up. As a parent, you should never compare one child’s strength to another child’s lack of a strength.
Personality vs Character
It’s important to first recognize the difference between personality and character. Character is shaped over time. It includes things like learning not to lie or cheat or steal. Personality on the other hand is how God has hardwired you. These are your child’s natural tendencies. Some are peacemakers while others might be achievers, and others are influencers. If you watch your kids carefully, you’ll see these natural tendencies coming out in their actions.
What is a Strength?
We want to set up our children to succeed at that which they’re good at. You as the parent need to help your child discover their strengths. A strength is something that is natural and top of mind for your child. They can do that thing near perfect, over and over again, like it’s second nature. A strength becomes a strength when knowledge and skill are added. You can be really good at something and have no interest in it, so that’s not a strength. When you start paying attention to your kids and really become a student of them, you will see these little things and the picture will unfold before you of who your child is uniquely created to be.
Assessments
I strongly suggested that you put together a notebook on each of your kids. Keep notes about things you see in them. Save personality type assessment results in this notebook too. Here are a few assessments to consider as you study your child:
Strengths Explorer – for Middle School age
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Myers-Briggs Assessment – for older children and adults
As we finish this series on Parenting Beyond the Rules, I want to remind you that your kids need rules, limits, and boundaries, but as they grow and change, these guardrails also need to adjust. There’s freedom in pivoting! You will have to pivot over and over again as your child passes through various life stages. Pray and ask God to give you wisdom and discernment to point your kids in the right direction as you learn more about how God uniquely created each of your children.
When you have a baby, there is unimaginable joy. It’s hard to understand how much a mom or dad loves their child. But, we have to be careful to not put conditions on that love as they grow older. There are hindrances that can pop up to giving your kids unconditional love.
Hindrances to Unconditional Love
There are four hindrances to giving your kids unconditional love that can completely derail your relationships:
Unmet expectations – This might be in the form of your needs you feel like your child should meet or performance metrics that your child isn’t living up to.
Fear of rejection or rebellion – Don’t let the fear of being pushed away keep you from loving your kids.
Not knowing your children – Learn how each of your children best receives love. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a great resource for discovering your child’s preferences for receiving love.
Your past relationship with your parents – It’s easy to follow in the footsteps of our parents’ parenting style. If you didn’t have a good relationship with your parents, you still have the opportunity to change your legacy.
Kids want the affirmation of their parents. If they don’t get that affirmation from you, they will look for it somewhere else. We all have a deep need to be loved and receive love. Ask the Lord where He wants you to change so you can better give unconditional love to your children.
Are you a sunrise or a sunset person? Do you like rising early to start the day and ponder what is ahead of you as the sun comes up? Or do you prefer to sit and consider what happened in your day as the sun goes down? Every day there’s a beautiful rhythm and repetition to our days. But, what are the benefits of repetition? Why do we need these rhythms to our days?
Why Do We Need Repetition?
Your children probably have a favorite book. It’s the one they ask you to read over and over. And then they ask you to read it again. It can be annoying but consider this: We are not as perceptive as we might think. We miss certain things at the first glance. When we practice and allow repetition, we catch little things we missed or we see things in a different light.
Repetition also gives a sense of security and predictability. Children in particular thrive on routines. First, we do this and then we do that. At this time of day, I have lunch and after that I have playtime.
God has ordained an order to our days. Your days are somewhat scheduled. The sun rises around the same time each day. Even if there’s a storm outside and you can’t see the sky clearly, you still know that the sun is rising. The day is going to happen. Then later that day, the sun will set whether you are watching it go down or not The end of the day will come.
God has established order and habits. He also tells us to discipline our minds. Repetition develops muscle memory, which then turns everyday tasks into habits. Once you’ve developed a habit, you will feel off-kilter if you skip the habit!
It really comes back to discipline and how you will spend your days. That story that you read over and again to your kids has been written on their hearts. In a similar manner, God tells us to memorize His word and to hide it in our hearts. This enables us to live the life God has called us to live.
Ponder this:
Where can I help build habits into my life?
Where can I see the repetition and rhythms in my life through God’s lens?
How can I be thankful for repetition in my life?
I challenge you to see the benefits of repetition in your life and that of your kids.
You can’t ignore conflict and have that conflict just disappear. You also can’t resolve conflict by addressing it straight up. Working out conflicts is a complex process. Let’s talk through some ways that you can better handle conflict resolution, whether the person on the other side is your child, your spouse, your friend, or your coworker. The goal is to resolve conflict to restore relationships.
What to Do When You’ve Caused Conflict
Sometimes we hurt someone else’s feelings. We say things we flat out shouldn’t have said or maybe a joke didn’t land right with another person. Here are some practical things you can do whether your actions or words were intentional or whether they were misunderstood.
Don’t ignore the conflict.
Ask God how you can handle it.
Pay attention to your timing.
Pay attention to the words you use.
Consider the receiver, the person who has been offended. What is the best way that you can communicate with this person? You’ll find that reconciliation and restoration come so much more easily when you think about these things. You have to be the one to lead with humility. Show the other person that you care and you want to work through the misunderstanding to eliminate hindrances to your relationship.
Remember: you are not responsible for how the other person receives this from you. It is your responsibility to initiate and try to make it better. Try to see through their lens. Put forth the effort.
What to Do When You are the Offended
Let’s turn the tables. How should you respond when you are the person who has been offended by someone else’s words or actions? First, consider the source. If the goal is relationship, then go to that person, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and ask them about the situation. Explain how what happened is now straining your relationship with them. You may still have to be the initiator of this process when you’re the person who has been offended.
Forgiveness
What do you do when the other person isn’t aware they’ve done something to offend you? What about when you’ve hurt someone else and they don’t believe you when you go to them for reconciliation? Remember this verse:
If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
Romans 12:18 NKJV
Wounds can take time to heal. Sometimes that healing is very slow. You have to forgive and not hold on to the offense. Then prayerfully consider what your next steps are. This doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be hurt again, but also remembering that hurt is an unfortunate part of being in relationships with others.
Resolve Conflict: The Key to Relationships
Conflict resolution is so important. We must resolve the issues that happen in our everyday lives with the people we’re doing life with so we can continue to do life with them. The process can take time, so don’t quit. Ask God for the right timing, the right words, and the right heart. Also, ask that your words would land in a tender place in the other person’s heart.
It used to be that college kids were the ones who would walk away from their faith. Now, it’s teens leaving the Church. It is kids aged 15-17 who are are the ones walking away at an alarming rate. This is rooted in the pandemic and the deeming of churches as non-essential.
Did you know that 16.5% of people don’t believe in good and evil? I guess this could explain all of the hostility, rudeness, and violence we’re seeing these days. If you don’t believe in good and evil, then what do you believe in? This is what your kids are facing!
The Battle Within the Church
These teens were pulled away from their peer groups during the pandemic. They were pulled away from what the Church stood for. They were told that the Church is not important. Stats say that eight out of ten Christians need discipleship. Seventy percent of Christians don’t read their Bible. No wonder our kids are walking away from the Church. This is why people are confused, stressed out, and depressed!
4 Hopeful Steps
What can you do to help turn this around? I want you to have hope! Here are four things you can do:
Read your Bible. Start with a Proverb a day or start reading from Genesis or Matthew.
Pray. Pray for your own peace of mind, your anxiety, your struggles, your marriage, etc. Hand it all over to God.
Talk about your faith. Build relationships with people you can freely talk with about your faith.
Engage in your community. Have an impact and make a difference for the kingdom.
Let your kids see you doing these things and help them develop these habits.
Listener Question: Isolation
What can I do about isolation and my 11-year-old girl?
This question was asked of me recently on social media. Well, first you need to know that these are the murky, mysterious, marvelous, middle school years. You need to be aware of what they are going through so you can better lead and guide them on how to handle their emotions. We all feel isolated at times. Help her understand that her identity comes first from the Lord and then from within your family. Friends are a distant third. Consider doing extra activities together to help her discover what she’s interested in and find people who share similar interests.
I’ve been doing a lot of research about technology and how it affects our families and our kids. Since the beginning of the pandemic, online usage, especially social media, has risen 50% or more. But I’ve said many times that technology is not the problem! It’s the usage of technology that is the problem. It’s how we are using it and how often we are using it. How can you manage device use when your family is gathered together so that relationships are kept a top priority?
I was recently on vacation with my husband, my kids, and their spouses. Of the ten of us, there were plenty of times when the majority of the family would be found on a device. It might have been for work or it might have been for social media or it might have been someone just wasting time while waiting for everyone else. Seeing this, I wondered how this device usage could be tamed. How can we manage device use at family gatherings?
Once your kids are adults, the solution is not as easy as taking their devices away! The goal is to help your kids learn when to turn off the devices and how to be unplugged.
Set the Expectations Before a Family Gathering
If you’re planning a family getaway or gathering, discuss the plans and expectations beforehand. Talk about the loose agenda for your time together. A full itinerary would add more stress and inhibits organic conversations, but you can have a loose plan to set the overall tone for your time. Discuss the games you want to play or activities you want to do together and how the event or days will flow.
How to Talk to a Disengaged Family Member
If in the midst of the family activity of hang out time, you find that one of the kids is disengaged, ask if everything is ok. Maybe there’s a problem with a friend or a work emergency? Don’t assume that they’ve stepped away because they don’t want to be with the family. Give the benefit of the doubt. Manage your expectations and give grace. Don’t jump to being offended!
When you see that there’s a family member who is constantly on their phone, what can you do? First, stop and pray. Next, observe. Wait for an opportunity to ask if everything is ok. When the time is right, privately ask questions to get to the heart of the matter. Gently point out to the person that you’ve noticed they’ve been on their device a lot and you were wondering if everything was ok.
Help your children understand that they need to be present for the people who are physically in front of them first. Don’t let the person in the phone be put first. Teach them to stay engaged and let the person in the phone wait a minute. This will deepen the relationships in your family.
