What should you do when you have a rebellious child? When your child pulls away from you? When your adult child is estranged from you? We don’t openly talk about these kinds of struggles or share these heartbreaking experiences readily on social media. The picture of life can become blurry during these kinds of painful seasons, but there are things that you can do. Let’s talk about the possibilities!
Living with Rebellious Child or an Estranged Adult Child
I say frequently that rules minus relationship equals rebellion. I wrote in Parenting Beyond the Rules about how you have to go beyond the rules. You have to be willing to pivot and adjust. There’s freedom in the pivot! Rules don’t always mean rebellion and having a great relationship doesn’t keep your child from having a mood swing!
I remember my parents’ divorce. I was just 11 years old when my dad told me that he was leaving and that it was all my mother’s fault. Processing that with all of the information that I had and could understand as a child, I became very angry with my mother. The problem is that an 11 year old doesn’t know how to process that. If you know my story, you know I love my mom dearly. Over the years, I let many career opportunities pass by so that I could take care of my mom until her passing a few years ago. Sadly, there was a lot of ugly in the in between years.
There is a raw kind of pain deep in a mom’s heart surrounding rebellious children. If you tried to articulate it, you’d choke up and become speechless. Words cannot express the pain you feel. I’ve sat with many moms in this messy middle. Maybe you’re in these in between years? You have a rebellious child. A child who is sneaky or lies. A child who is estranged. A young adult child who doesn’t respond to texts, doesn’t come around to celebrate the holidays, or doesn’t send a birthday card. You are not alone!
If you have a child and a relationship like this, you likely want to chase after this child like the prodigal son. But, don’t forget the ones who are still at home and doing life with you like your spouse and other children. Despite the hurt, you have to remember to keep showing up for the ones who still present and asking to spend time with you. Letting go seems hard to do. It’s like a death of sorts. It carries so much guilt and so many unspoken words. But you do have to find a way to carry on for the rest of the family.
I’ve written a lot about the challenges of parenting teenagers. I had no idea how hard it would be when they became adults. Everything changes. Your focus needs to be working on the parent you want your child to get to know. So many times, children create a narrative; some of it is real while other parts are not. The story they hear or tell themselves can become etched in their hearts when they put up a wall. They think it is to protect them from you, but it keeps them from seeing the real you. Your heart. Your love. Your devotion over the years.
The Gift of Time
“There is a gift of time, but you aren’t the controller of the time clock.”
Connie Albers
Time can be a great healer. I can’t tell you how much time is required. Maybe it will just be a year, but it might take 5 or 10 years or more. Here are some things that you can do along the way:
Don’t dwell on the situation. Be sure to focus on the children who do want to be near you.
Guard your heart against bitterness, anger, and resentment.
Bitterness will hurt you and the others living with you more than the wayward child.
Anger will cause you to do and say things that you regret.
Resentment keeps you from having an open heart.
Don’t withdraw or isolate yourself. Find a friend or support group or ministry you can connect with. We are made for relationships! When a relationship is broken, so is our heart.
Don’t expect your friends who aren’t walking this journey to understand. They simply can’t understand. Some things can only be understood after the fact.
Moving Forward
Here are some practical reminders and steps forward:
Stay kind.
Stay full of hope.
Believe the Lord is still at work.
Be faithful to show love when or if you are around that child.
Remember that God can restore what was lost.
Remember that God cares about your relationship with your child.
“Keep working on the parent you want your child to know.”
Connie Albers
If you’re trying to figure out how to live with a rebellious child or an estranged adult child, ask God for opportunities to rewrite the story. He can restore, redeem, and make things new.
Tom and I did a lot over the years to cultivate close sibling relationships within our family. I hear frequently that this is an issue of importance and concern for you as you raise your kids. You want to build strong sibling relationships between your kids. So, what do you want to see for your relationship with your kids when they become adults? What do you want to see in the relationships between your children when they become adults? Let’s talk about how you can build a strong foundation starting now to achieve that vision.
Throughout the day we spend a lot of time settling arguments and soothing hurt feelings between the kids, don’t we? Someone did something to someone… again.
“Mom! So and so looked at me funny.”
“Mom! So and so broke my lego set.”
“Mom! Why does he always get to stay up late?”
Sometimes it’s an endless list of offenses, isn’t it? By the end of the day mom falls into bed worn down and worn out. Maybe she’s even begging the Lord to please make the kids stop fighting and start getting along. I bet that happens in your family too. If you have several kids, the amount time spent being a peacemaker or referee can quickly add up.
The truth is that teaching your children to love and honor and accept each other for who God made them to be is necessary to the future of your family. I believe God established the family unit to not only bring Him glory but to help us live a life of togetherness.
You probably already spend countless hours investing in your child:
Reading
Playing
Teaching
Going to church
Reading God’s Word
What more can you do?
Relationships, Relationships, Relationships
You want to build a strong family. You want what’s best for your family. It’s going pretty well until maybe around middle school or high school or college and then you might find these relationship related things are becoming a little harder.
People often ask me about my kids and our relationships. How are the relationships now that they are adults? How did we get there? Well, it is important to know first that how we live life has changed over the years. This is something I write about in Parenting Beyond the Rules. The schedules and routines we clung to when the kids were little, like nap times and bedtimes, shifted when we hit new seasons like high school. I suggest not becoming perplexed when what used to work stops working. There is a natural shifting and changing that takes place over time. Let God lead you in how to change these things as you and your children grow and change.
I don’t think when I was a younger mom there were as many self-proclaimed experts telling me what to do, but I was still careful of who I let give me advice in those days. Back then, I would sometimes get down thinking about how imperfect our family was or how I wished things could be better. That’s the internal drive I have towards ideal. The problem is that’s not realistic. What is realistic is that we have to cultivate that which we want. We have to put in the effort it takes to guard and protect and nurture those sibling relationships. Then we must be willing to adjust along the way.
Richard Plass and James Cofield wrote in The Relational Soul (page 12): “We are designed for and defined by our relationships.” Think about that for a minute. You are designed for relationships. First with God, then with others. Next, you are defined by your relationships. First with God, then with others. Being designed for relationships with others starts within your home with the imperfect people God chose for you to do life with.
“We were born with a relentless longing to participate in the lives of others… We cannot not be relational.”
The Relational Soul – Plass and Cofield
How to Build Sibling Relationships
We must nurture trust with and between our children. They need to know that your family is safe. This is a safe place to be you. Here are some ways that you can do that:
Don’t allow your children to poke, make fun of, or shame their siblings for their weaknesses.
Listen to learn why a child struggles with another sibling.
Don’t allow your kids to compare between each other.
Ask leading questions
Don’t let joking cross the line to making fun of a sibling.
Remind each child they are part of something larger – the family!
Trust is the key to building the relationships that hold your family together. It takes sincerity, reliability, competence, and care every step of the way.
Do you know how to create a positive digital footprint and why it matters to your child’s future?
Most of us know what we shouldn’t share online. We also know the sites we visit and that conversations aren’t private. But children don’t know this! Most children think what they do will vanish after a short time. The idea that every click and conversation is being archived or watched by big tech screeners is unfathomable to them.
Parents are often frustrated by the arguments they have with their children over technology and social media. I understand how difficult it can be. After a long day, parents either give in or give up. May I encourage you to try another way? Teach them how to use tech!
Instead of fighting, I encourage you to walk with your child, so they learn how to make wise clicks and create a positive digital footprint.
Last week (in episode #80), I discussed how to raise tech-savvy kids. This week we will go a little deeper into how you minimize the conflict and have confidence that your child will be safe in a dangerous online world.
Limit Unproductive Time Scrolling
Avoid Using Screens as a Babysitter
Teach Children How to Tame Tech
Be the Parent. Do what is right for your child. If you say no, give him the reason behind your decision.
When your child know you are trying to understand her why, she will listen to your responses with less objections. You can teach your child how to create positive digital footprint, but you must be intentional. There are people who aren’t looking after your child’s best interest. That’s your job!
Are your school-aged kids at risk? How will this back-and-forth schooling impact our kids? First, the back-and-forth disrupts children’s rhythm and routine. They don’t know what to expect when things change from day to day. Some children can roll with the ebbs and flows with great ease, but the disruption throws them off for other children. So, what can you do as a parent to keep your kids from being at risk?
Children thrive on routine and consistency. But, unfortunately, the back-and-forth of schools opening and closing can harm children, especially when parents must work full-time. But there are ways to help your children and their friends navigate the back-and-forth so they don’t get behind.
Supplemental work
Giving a child supplemental work can be helpful to reinforce skills previously taught. Elementary students will benefit from hands-on learning. Cooking, playing, and making crafts are fun ways to apply what they have learned. Middle and high school students can benefit from worksheets that help them practice math and English concepts.
Avoid Talking Negatively
It is wise to avoid talking negatively about what’s happening. Some children won’t react well and can get quite upset. By being careful of what we say in front of our children and what they hear from well-meaning adults, our children are more likely to stay calm.
Should Parents Hover?
It’s important for parents not to view their desire to help their children as hovering. Instead, think of it as helping your children make academic progress by coming alongside them. Parents can offer critical feedback as well as identify when a child starts to struggle.
Set Expectations
Setting expectations can help your children continue to make forward progress. But we do want to make sure those expectations are realistic. Look for progress that is commensurate with their ability. Try not to compare siblings or allow online educators to compare your child with others in the course.
Children do need to understand they are caught in the middle of this back-and-forth. Parents need to remember that children can get frustrated by not having a say in anything right now.
There are ways to incentivize our kids to stay on track so they aren’t at risk!
Be positive about their day. Kids need reassurance that it’s all going to be OK.
Monitor your environment. Children feed off their surrounding environment.
Tell your children the plans for the next day on the night before. You can talk about the next day at dinner or during bedtime.
Remind them in the morning of your conversation the previous night.
Keep some consistent routines. Wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed.
Give children a reason to follow your instructions. Kids love rewards.
Whether your children are being impacted directly, they can still get caught in the back-and-forth of what is happening and their education. However, your wise counsel and discerning spirit can keep your children from being at risk.
You can learn so much about your children from playtime. Playtime for children can be more revealing about who they are than talking or even watching them in a vocation as they get older.
The Need for Playtime for Children and Adults
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
-Plato
When there is no test to pass and no educator to please, God-given strengths can flourish through playtime. So, as parents, it’s important to remember not to confuse an interest that your child has in something with a strength that remains through life.
Helping children pursue interests is not about pushing them to be their best at something or jumping into something you think is a natural fit for them.
The best way to lead your children in the process of discovery is through observation.
When you pay attention to your child’s interests, their strengths start to emerge. So, ask questions, listen, and watch what they wonder about. Children are full of surprises.
Play Can Lead to Interest
Play is very positive. It opens the mind to a world of possibilities, allowing new thoughts and behaviors to be formed.
Encourage your children to try new experiences. For example, playing a new game or sport or meeting new friends can lead to discovering interests they didn’t know existed.
5 Ways You Can Help Your Child:
Help them step out of their comfort zone
Encourage without pushing
Plant seeds of possibilities
Tell them about ‘what if’ outcomes
Give them a reason or benefit for trying something new.
Watch, Don’t Control
Try not to spend your child’s playtime controlling everything they do. Instead, allow this time to be spent observing their behavior and actions. You can learn a lot through watching them.
Create Time for Exploration, Experimentation, Innovation, and Creativity
As parents, we must balance allowing children to discover interests and restricting choices. Of course, children need to learn social norms and obey the rules, but sadly, there’s a great deal of pressure on children to compete and conform, and little time is spent encouraging the joys of exploration, innovation, and discovery as it pertains to cultivating your child’s strengths.
Help Them Learn from Failed Attempts
Some children are risk-takers, and some children are afraid to take risks. I know some kids who naturally view failure as part of trying; therefore, they don’t get discouraged when one of their great ideas doesn’t pan out. Instead, that optimistic child sees life as a great adventure with a few pitfalls along the way. While other more competitive children don’t want to do anything unless they are reasonably confident will bring success.
Knowing how your children think about stepping into uncharted territory will help you construct the proper scenario to help them learn how to work through not winning, being successful, or failing.
You know that your kids are watching you, right? They are watching and learning from you how to communicate from the time they are little and well past the teen years into young adulthood.
Last week we finished up the series Knowing Your Strengths. We spent four episodes talking about what strengths are, how to discover your strengths, understanding your strengths, and how to use your strengths. You can listen to that conversation in episodes 71, 73, 73, and 74. That series then made me think a little more about how strengths tie into my life now and a recent situation. I needed to talk with one of my daughters and we needed to be able to speak face to face, eye to eye. So I sent a text to set up the meeting.
Your Kids Are Watching You
Before I tell you the whole story, you need to know that your kids are watching you. Maybe your child is two years old and pointing at everything while listening to you play the label game. As they get older they are watching how you handle the difficult situations and how you treat people. They pick up on even the little inconsistencies in your life. Your teens then think that what you allow for yourself is also ok for them.
The key observation here is that the words you choose are critical. How are your words going into the ears of the listener? Knowing your strengths helps you figure out how to navigate these circumstances. They are tools that give you the ability to communicate better.
See, I know my daughter and how she is best communicated with. I sent a text asking to get together to do something active and have a talk. I needed to have this conversation with my daughter. It was a hard conversation about heart issues. My heart issues!
Say It Like It Is… Or Not?
Maybe you think: I just say it like it is. In the mind, out the mouth. Well, that’s not always wise. We need to have some filters on our mouths. Some people need to warm up to what we have to say. Some people like to get right to the heart of the matter without all the chit-chat. You need to know which kind of person you’re talking to.
Would my words draw conversation out of her or put up a wall? Inflection, tone, and directness all play into how the conversation could go. In the end, the conversation with my daughter was great, but that was because I was aware of the words I was using.
Shore Up the Relationship with Your Teen
If you have a teen, now is the perfect time to shore up your relationship with them. The dynamics and influence you have will change as they grow up and move out into the world. Set the foundation now! Your kids are watching how you respond to the daily challenges of your life. How do you handle conflict? How do you handle disruptions? Will your teen choose to model what they see in you? Will they invite you into their lives as young adults?
In our conversation, my daughter made the observation that I always need to be productive. That’s one of the strengths that I have in the striving domain. I am very productive. I don’t sit well and do nothing. She said to me that sometimes she just needed me to sit and be present with her. That hit me hard. She was watching. She picked up on a place in my life that I still wrestle with.
Productive But Present
A few things to ponder:
It’s ok to be productive, but you have to be present.
It’s ok to be out leading a group or a business, but you have to make sure you’re present for your kids.
Make sure that you’re spending time in your purpose. Is this thing you’re doing the purpose to which God has called you?
Be mindful.
Watch your body language.
Are you responding with kindness, love, and unconditionality?
Are you encouraging others?
Every day brings new challenges and opportunities. As your children grow, so do you. Things are always changing and you may feel like you’re running out of time. My conversation with my daughter showed me the fruit of all of the all work and prayers I put in over the years.
In your productivity, stay present and actively engaged. Take time to speak in a way that your spouse, your kids, your coworkers, and others can hear.
