The CDC recently released new developmental milestone markers for children. This new guidance sadly shows that our children have been developmentally delayed and emotionally hindered during the pandemic. Young children are taking longer to get to their first steps, to smile for the first time, and to wave goodbye. All of our lives have been interrupted in the last two years, but the fallout is showing up in our children.
New Developmental Milestones
Your children have likely experienced some level of isolation during this time. That might be less time with peers, not playing sports, or simply “social distancing.” Your children have experienced life in a way that it has never been experienced before. One day they were in school and the next day they were not. One day they were attending church and the next day they were not. Even homeschoolers saw changes to their schedules even if only in simple things such as shopping habits. These new CDC guidelines for developmental milestones show that our children have been harmed through these changes.
What Can I Do?
Our children are on the losing end right now. What should you do? Flood your school board? Run for an elected office? Maybe, if God’s calling you to do those types of things. The first thing you need to do is pray and ask the Lord to show you what He wants you personally to do.
How to Equip Your Children
What I do know is that God does want you to equip your kids for this season. Are you talking to them about what’s going on in the world around them? In addition to teaching right and wrong, you must teach them how to navigate that in society. As parents, we have to help our kids catch up and go beyond that to excelling in life.
These new developmental milestones guidelines show that your children need you to engage with them on a cognitive level.
Show youf full facial expressions.
Look them in the eye.
Talk with them.
Sit down on the floor and play with them.
Get outside to play with them.
Let them hear your laughter.
Get in the kitchen to cook together.
Praise them for who they are, not what they do.
Tech is Neutral
I have a strong belief that technology is neutral, but sadly our children are being lured into spending countless hours watching others instead of being creators. Children are born creative and adventurous explorers. It’s time to turn off the devices. Be together. Play together.
The Future
Give your child a vision for what life could look like for them. Your child doesn’t have to be a casualty of this experiment or remain a statistic. The goal is always to empower your children! We want them to discover who they are and where they belong. They need to know that they fit in your family and that their value and worth come from God. What will you do today to empower your kids and help them reach developmental milestones?
Yvette Hampton from Schoolhouse Rocked and her family have an incredible story of following God. God called them to sell their home, buy an RV, leave California, and create a documentary about homeschooling. Yvette shares how the perfect author of our lives does amazing work when we trust Him and allow Him to do His work. He is a faithful God!
Choosing to Follow God
In this episode, Yvette shares:
How her husband Garrett left the Hollywood film industry
How God was prompting their family to leave California in an RV
How she went from thinking homeschoolers were wierd to homeschooling her kids
How she and Garrett were led to produce Schoolhouse Rocked
How I was inolved in Schoolhouse Rocked as an associate producer
Who should watch Schoolhouse Rocked
This is a fascinating Abraham-type story that you have to hear straight from Yvette’s mouth. I hope it encourages you to follow God even when the circumstances seem impossible!
I’m so thankful for the opportunity to have been a part of Schoolhouse Rocked and hope that you’ll take the time to watch the documentary for yourself and share it with your friends.
About Yvette Hamptom
Yvette Hampton is the producer and host of the documentary, Schoolhouse Rocked: The Homeschool Revolution and TheSchoolhouse Rocked Podcast. As a mom who is concerned for the future of this generation, Yvette has a deep desire to see a culture shift by encouraging people through God’s Word. She and her husband, Garritt, have a passion for strengthening and equipping families and the homeschool community by teaching parents how to live out their convictions and point their children towards Christ. Her greatest joy is being a wife and mom.
When I talk to teens, I hear this time and time again. Teens want to be heard, but they feel like their parents are not listening. Parents tell me that their teen doesn’t talk to them. Your teen has few true choices at this point in their life. You are choosing where they live and where they go to school. Their choices in food and clothes are likely limited by budget or other restrictions. They are desperately trying to mature from a child into an adult, but they are not going to navigate that path perfectly. Some of the tension comes because you as the parent need to work on creating your unique parenting style and figuring out how that fits with your unique child.
Parenting Styles
There are a lot of parenting styles out there. You can do a quick search online and find the big ones named and defined. I also talk about this in Parenting Beyond The Rules. Here are a few styles that you’ll likely come across:
Authoritative
Permissive
Hovering
Helicopter
Lawnmower
Sweeper
Do you fall into any of these parenting styles? How is that working in your family?
The Goal of Your Parenting Style
Relationship with your child should be the goal of your parenting style. If you feel like there’s something missing in your relationship with one or more of your kids, it might be your parenting style. You have to be in tune with each kid. What you say or how you say something to one child could crush another child. It’s all about speaking in a way that the child can hear you.
Can I Change My Parenting Style?
Yes! Your parenting style needs to change as your child grows and matures and as they learn to show respect and honor. When you pivot and make changes to your parenting style, it shows your child that you’re working together with them. Now, about half of you are likely thinking that this is no big deal. You’re the go-with-the-flow type, and making these changes may come more naturally for you. The other half of you are freaking out right now because you don’t like change. But relationships change over time, and so must your parenting style.
How Do I Change My Parenting Style?
I’m here to tell you that changing your parenting style is simple. Ok, maybe not as simple in the sense that I can lay out all of the steps for you like an instruction manual, but I can confidently tell you the starting steps.
Step One: Pray
The first step is to pray. Your child, each of your children, is a masterpiece fashioned by a master creator and architect. I purposely used this imagery of paint and paintbrushes on the front cover of Parenting Beyond the Rules.
This isn’t a paint-by-number craft project. In contrast, God created your child with unique strengths, gifts, and talents. It’s your job to help your child figure out where to put the colors and shapes onto the blank canvas of their lives. When you pray, you’re talking to the master architect! Consult him about how to teach and train your child.
Step Two: See Through the Lens of Your Child
You need to work towards seeing the world the way your child does. You have to talk to them in a way that they can hear and understand you. Your strong-willed child may not flinch when you reprimand them with a harsh tone, but your sensitive child could be devasted by the same words and tone. Figure out who they are and treat them like the unique masterpieces that God created them to be. They need to know that you’re going to be there for them, no matter what happens. This is about having mutual respect and honor. To listen to each other. It’s not about winning a battle or even today’s argument. The goal is a relationship, and that means being the best parent you can be… for each of your children.
Creating Your Unique Parenting Style
Your unique parenting style will change over the years and for each child. It’s okay to change. It is necessary to change. You will have to keep creating your unique parenting style and keep adjusting it to meet the needs of your family and each of your children. Your kids are counting on you!
Your older children are facing a world with so much chaos and conflicting information. If you’re like me, you want them to know what you think. You want to protect them from failure or pain. But whether your older children are teens, college-aged, young adults, or older, there comes a point when you can’t make them do or say the right thing. You can’t force them to navigate a situation well. These older children are now adults, or close to being adults. It’s a new season and you need to learn how to give advice to older children.
My mom used to regularly say that she was going to give someone a piece of her mind. I used to silently (and not so silently at times) think that no one wants a piece of her mind! When your older children are in a difficult situation and you have opinions, it’s so easy to jump right to giving them a piece of your mind. But, there’s a better way!
First, let me encourage you with this. If you’ve been pouring God’s principles into your kids, that wisdom is still all inside of them. It can be painful to watch an older child not listen or seem to not listen to those years of guidance. Rest assured that the phrases you’ve said repeatedly and things you’ve taught them are inside their brains and hearts. Those things will come back to them in times of need.
Let the words you speak land in a tender place in their heart.
Connie Albers
There’s a better way to give advice to your older kids than to give them an unsolicited piece of your mind.
Wait for Them to Ask for Advice
I know that you desperately want your older kids to know what you think, but wait until they ask. Show them respect by restraining your mouth. Know the child you’re speaking to, regardless of their age. Give them a chance to learn to be a problem-solver. They need space to develop discernment. Sadly for us as the parent, this means watching our kids make some poor decisions as they learn these skills.
Ask If They’d Like Your Advice
Before you dish out that piece of your mind, pause and ask if your older child would like to know what you’re thinking. This also requires discernment on your part for good timing. When your older child is no longer living under your roof, gauging the best timing becomes more difficult. You must hold your thoughts for the right time. If necessary, write your thoughts down in a journal and hold them there until the time is right to share.
When the time is right to ask for permission to speak into a situation in your child’s life, try phrases like:
Would you like to know what I’m thinking about…?
Would you like to know how I’d encourage you in…?
Would you like to know some things to consider about…?
Would like like to hear a different perspective on…?
If you don’t ask permission first, your words are less likely to land in that tender place in their hearts and will instead be rejected. Timing is crucial to being heard. Wait for your kids to ask. If you can’t wait, then ask for permission to give your advice.
Pray for Your Older Children
Be fervent in praying for your older children. Pray for things like:
Protection
Discernment
Guidance
Someone who can say what you’d like to say
Be a sounding board for your older children. Let them know you’re praying for them. They need to know that you’re there for them. The fair-weather friends will disappear. Cancel culture will try to shut them down. But, I as your parent… I will always be here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.
I’ve walked through this season of life with my teens, my college-aged kids, and my young adult children. I assure you, it is possible to lead your children without saying a word. When they do invite you into their lives to share your thoughts and advice, handle that trust with care. Your long-term goal is to create rich, lasting relationships with your kids.
What should you do when you have a rebellious child? When your child pulls away from you? When your adult child is estranged from you? We don’t openly talk about these kinds of struggles or share these heartbreaking experiences readily on social media. The picture of life can become blurry during these kinds of painful seasons, but there are things that you can do. Let’s talk about the possibilities!
Living with Rebellious Child or an Estranged Adult Child
I say frequently that rules minus relationship equals rebellion. I wrote in Parenting Beyond the Rules about how you have to go beyond the rules. You have to be willing to pivot and adjust. There’s freedom in the pivot! Rules don’t always mean rebellion and having a great relationship doesn’t keep your child from having a mood swing!
I remember my parents’ divorce. I was just 11 years old when my dad told me that he was leaving and that it was all my mother’s fault. Processing that with all of the information that I had and could understand as a child, I became very angry with my mother. The problem is that an 11 year old doesn’t know how to process that. If you know my story, you know I love my mom dearly. Over the years, I let many career opportunities pass by so that I could take care of my mom until her passing a few years ago. Sadly, there was a lot of ugly in the in between years.
There is a raw kind of pain deep in a mom’s heart surrounding rebellious children. If you tried to articulate it, you’d choke up and become speechless. Words cannot express the pain you feel. I’ve sat with many moms in this messy middle. Maybe you’re in these in between years? You have a rebellious child. A child who is sneaky or lies. A child who is estranged. A young adult child who doesn’t respond to texts, doesn’t come around to celebrate the holidays, or doesn’t send a birthday card. You are not alone!
If you have a child and a relationship like this, you likely want to chase after this child like the prodigal son. But, don’t forget the ones who are still at home and doing life with you like your spouse and other children. Despite the hurt, you have to remember to keep showing up for the ones who still present and asking to spend time with you. Letting go seems hard to do. It’s like a death of sorts. It carries so much guilt and so many unspoken words. But you do have to find a way to carry on for the rest of the family.
I’ve written a lot about the challenges of parenting teenagers. I had no idea how hard it would be when they became adults. Everything changes. Your focus needs to be working on the parent you want your child to get to know. So many times, children create a narrative; some of it is real while other parts are not. The story they hear or tell themselves can become etched in their hearts when they put up a wall. They think it is to protect them from you, but it keeps them from seeing the real you. Your heart. Your love. Your devotion over the years.
The Gift of Time
“There is a gift of time, but you aren’t the controller of the time clock.”
Connie Albers
Time can be a great healer. I can’t tell you how much time is required. Maybe it will just be a year, but it might take 5 or 10 years or more. Here are some things that you can do along the way:
Don’t dwell on the situation. Be sure to focus on the children who do want to be near you.
Guard your heart against bitterness, anger, and resentment.
Bitterness will hurt you and the others living with you more than the wayward child.
Anger will cause you to do and say things that you regret.
Resentment keeps you from having an open heart.
Don’t withdraw or isolate yourself. Find a friend or support group or ministry you can connect with. We are made for relationships! When a relationship is broken, so is our heart.
Don’t expect your friends who aren’t walking this journey to understand. They simply can’t understand. Some things can only be understood after the fact.
Moving Forward
Here are some practical reminders and steps forward:
Stay kind.
Stay full of hope.
Believe the Lord is still at work.
Be faithful to show love when or if you are around that child.
Remember that God can restore what was lost.
Remember that God cares about your relationship with your child.
“Keep working on the parent you want your child to know.”
Connie Albers
If you’re trying to figure out how to live with a rebellious child or an estranged adult child, ask God for opportunities to rewrite the story. He can restore, redeem, and make things new.
Do you know how to create a positive digital footprint and why it matters to your child’s future?
Most of us know what we shouldn’t share online. We also know the sites we visit and that conversations aren’t private. But children don’t know this! Most children think what they do will vanish after a short time. The idea that every click and conversation is being archived or watched by big tech screeners is unfathomable to them.
Parents are often frustrated by the arguments they have with their children over technology and social media. I understand how difficult it can be. After a long day, parents either give in or give up. May I encourage you to try another way? Teach them how to use tech!
Instead of fighting, I encourage you to walk with your child, so they learn how to make wise clicks and create a positive digital footprint.
Last week (in episode #80), I discussed how to raise tech-savvy kids. This week we will go a little deeper into how you minimize the conflict and have confidence that your child will be safe in a dangerous online world.
Limit Unproductive Time Scrolling
Avoid Using Screens as a Babysitter
Teach Children How to Tame Tech
Be the Parent. Do what is right for your child. If you say no, give him the reason behind your decision.
When your child know you are trying to understand her why, she will listen to your responses with less objections. You can teach your child how to create positive digital footprint, but you must be intentional. There are people who aren’t looking after your child’s best interest. That’s your job!
