Did you get a parenting manual when your child was handed to you? Sometimes, it feels like it would have been easier if we had been given a guide or some 3-step formula when they were born. Instead, you’re searching the internet for quick tips and hacks to get you through the current parenting struggle. Sometimes the picture gets blurry… but God is not done with the story!
Maybe you’re currently looking at a picture of life and of your child that isn’t quite what you thought it would look like back when they were little. Maybe your teen is rebellious. Maybe you have a child who is simply ignoring you. Maybe you’ve thrown up your hands and declared, “It is what it is!” That may be true, but only for this moment. God created that masterpiece in the making and He is not done yet!
What can you do in the meantime?
Different Parenting Styles
As your child grows and changes, you also have to grow and change. I mention these five major parenting styles in Parenting by the Rules. Consider where you fit and how you can change to meet the needs of each of your children.
Authoritative Parent
Authoritative—This type of parent is typically seen as the most effective and helpful to a child. They are flexible and fair. They try to listen and communicate without overreacting. This type of parenting tends to be more predictable and is full of grace, understanding, forgiveness, kindness, and unconditional love. They teach their kids that they can accomplish great things if they are willing to work hard and put their minds to it.
Permissive Parent
Permissive—This parent is easygoing. Kids might call them pushovers. There are fewer rules. They focus on peace and harmony to avoid conflict. These parents believe their kids will figure things out, but this hands-off approach can make kids feel less loved because the parent is too disengaged.
Helicopter Parent
Helicopter—This style of parenting is a blend between authoritative and permissive. They see the need for boundaries and rules to keep chaos at bay but try to give more freedom. Unfortunately, fear and anxiety often define these parents. While well-intentioned with the requirements of constant check-ins, these parents must remember to teach the why along the way.
Hovering Parent
Hovering— These parents are more intrusive than the helicopter parent. At the first sign of trouble, they sweep in for the rescue. There’s a fine line between rescuing and letting your kids figure things out. It’s important for these parents to ask God for wisdom and discernment.
Lawnmower Parent
Lawnmower—This mom or dad will make sure their child has every opportunity on a paved path. They don’t believe that anyone else has their child’s best interest in mind. They are well-meaning, but they are likely to quickly step in to talk to teachers or coaches to argue on their child’s behalf.
The Strengths and Weaknesses
Every parenting style has its strengths and weaknesses. We as the parents have to adjust to the child we have, not the child we’re trying to make them into. If the picture gets blurry, maybe it’s time to take a step back and look at how you’re parenting a particular child and adjust. Only God knows your child’s heart, so you have to focus on building a strong relationship with them. Give them a strong foundation by modeling Biblical principles that govern your decision-making.
Ask yourself and the Lord these questions:
What do I need to change?
When do I need to change?
When do I need to hold firm?
When do I need to press pause?
When do I need to let my responsible child have more freedom?
Always remember that your child has a calling in their life, a plan, and a purpose from God. It’s up to you to help them discover that!
Do you smile in your homeschool and in your family life? Raising your kids, homeschooling, and developing relationships are all hard work. Sometimes you lose your smile… You’re not alone in this journey! Todd Wilson from The Smiling Homeschooler wants to see you have joy and smile. He talks with me about being a homeschool dad, catching a vision for your family, and delighting in your family.
Todd and his wife have eight kids who currently run the range of seasons from still at home and homeschooling to grown adults with their own kids. His mission has been to make moms laugh by talking about the realities of homeschooling and family life.
In this episode, Todd had me laughing as we talked about these topics.
Having joy in homeschooling and smiling more
Gauging the temperature of your home as a dad
Assuming your role and taking responsibility as a husband and dad
Allowing your husband to be involved in school and family life without discouraging him
and more!
I hope you laugh too and are encouraged by my conversation with Todd!
About Todd Wilson
Todd Wilson, author of Help! I’m Married to a Homeschooling Mom and The Official Book of Homeschooling Cartoons, is a dad, writer, conference speaker, and former pastor. Todd’s humor and gut-honest realness have made him a favorite speaker at homeschool conventions across the country and a guest on Focus on the Family. His articles have appeared in various magazines. Christianity Today also posts his weekly column (The Familyman Weekly) on their website. Todd and his wife Debbie, along with their eight children spend several months of the year traveling the country encouraging moms and dads. His humor, realness, and straight talk to men (& women) have become his trademark.
Are you biting your nails a little more than usual lately? Are you flat-out irritated or angry about what you see happening around you? I’m right there with you! We’re living in a woke world. So, what should you do?
Whether it’s Disney, Florida Governor DeSantis signing the law to prevent early elementary-aged children from being taught about gender, or Will Smith and Chris Rock’s “slap heard ’round the world,” anyone with a microphone is trying to tell you how you should think or what you should do in response.
How are they supposed to know what you’re supposed to do?
You’re trying to raise children who love the Lord. I know you don’t have your head in the sand and you aren’t trying to pretend like nothing is happening all around you. You are probably getting flack from every direction for what you’re choosing to do… or not to do. I am too!
Run Your Race in a Woke World
My job and mission here at Equipped To Be and with my weekly episode on The Christian Perspective with Chris Hughes is to equip you for the calling God has set before you. Your calling is different from my calling. Who am I to say that you’re not doing enough? We each need to do what God has called us to do. We need to run our own races.
What should we cling to in the midst life in a woke world? We focus on Scripture. We answer this question: Are we doing what God is telling us to do?
I’m asked a lot of questions about these hot topics. What am I going to do about these things? Well, it’s a personal decision that you and your family have to make. I can’t make that decision for you but, I will say this about consistency and follow-through: Will you cancel a product made in China or North Korea? What about countries that use slave labor to make products? TV stations? Movies? Social media and the companies that run these networks? The store where you buy your groceries? Are you looking into the practices of every company that you buy from or do business with? What did you do when everyone was running away from Target over their bathroom policies? Did you stop shopping there but then gradually start going back there again? What about football or concerts?
I’m not trying to make you feel bad in any way. People will give me flack for this, but, my job is to simply point you back to the Lord. That’s it. My opinion is just an opinion. I’m focused on building character. Are you building character in your children? Are you building relationships with them? You see, my gifting is in exhortation. I want to exhort you to good works. I know it feels like it’s harder to raise kids right now. Everything we’re facing is so blatant, but, look at it this way: Nothing is hidden now. It’s all in the open for you to see more clearly.
What has God called you to do? Are you supposed to be at the podium and shouting from the rooftops or are you quietly in the background sharing truth and providing a meal. If you are called to speak up, then speak up! If you’re called to live quietly, then do that to the best of your ability! Some of you are trying to make a difference from the inside of some of these companies. Run your race!
Model that you are following the Lord rather than following the latest boycott trend or fear scam. Be at peace with where God has you right now and be aware that place could change tomorrow. Step ahead and walk in accordance with how God is leading you. What you do will likely change as your children grow older and your family grows too. We consider everyone in our family and have family meetings to discuss these kinds of topics and decisions.
God Will Meet You There
Disney is not the first company nor will it be the last company that comes out to attack your values. If you need to cancel it, then do it. Cancel every bit of it. Be careful not to shame others who have made a different choice or are doing so quietly.
Whatever the hot button, headline issue of the day is, know that God is going to meet you there. He will lead you into the decision that you need to make as a family.
Are you a sunrise or a sunset person? Do you like rising early to start the day and ponder what is ahead of you as the sun comes up? Or do you prefer to sit and consider what happened in your day as the sun goes down? Every day there’s a beautiful rhythm and repetition to our days. But, what are the benefits of repetition? Why do we need these rhythms to our days?
Why Do We Need Repetition?
Your children probably have a favorite book. It’s the one they ask you to read over and over. And then they ask you to read it again. It can be annoying but consider this: We are not as perceptive as we might think. We miss certain things at the first glance. When we practice and allow repetition, we catch little things we missed or we see things in a different light.
Repetition also gives a sense of security and predictability. Children in particular thrive on routines. First, we do this and then we do that. At this time of day, I have lunch and after that I have playtime.
God has ordained an order to our days. Your days are somewhat scheduled. The sun rises around the same time each day. Even if there’s a storm outside and you can’t see the sky clearly, you still know that the sun is rising. The day is going to happen. Then later that day, the sun will set whether you are watching it go down or not The end of the day will come.
God has established order and habits. He also tells us to discipline our minds. Repetition develops muscle memory, which then turns everyday tasks into habits. Once you’ve developed a habit, you will feel off-kilter if you skip the habit!
It really comes back to discipline and how you will spend your days. That story that you read over and again to your kids has been written on their hearts. In a similar manner, God tells us to memorize His word and to hide it in our hearts. This enables us to live the life God has called us to live.
Ponder this:
Where can I help build habits into my life?
Where can I see the repetition and rhythms in my life through God’s lens?
How can I be thankful for repetition in my life?
I challenge you to see the benefits of repetition in your life and that of your kids.
I’ve been doing a lot of research about technology and how it affects our families and our kids. Since the beginning of the pandemic, online usage, especially social media, has risen 50% or more. But I’ve said many times that technology is not the problem! It’s the usage of technology that is the problem. It’s how we are using it and how often we are using it. How can you manage device use when your family is gathered together so that relationships are kept a top priority?
I was recently on vacation with my husband, my kids, and their spouses. Of the ten of us, there were plenty of times when the majority of the family would be found on a device. It might have been for work or it might have been for social media or it might have been someone just wasting time while waiting for everyone else. Seeing this, I wondered how this device usage could be tamed. How can we manage device use at family gatherings?
Once your kids are adults, the solution is not as easy as taking their devices away! The goal is to help your kids learn when to turn off the devices and how to be unplugged.
Set the Expectations Before a Family Gathering
If you’re planning a family getaway or gathering, discuss the plans and expectations beforehand. Talk about the loose agenda for your time together. A full itinerary would add more stress and inhibits organic conversations, but you can have a loose plan to set the overall tone for your time. Discuss the games you want to play or activities you want to do together and how the event or days will flow.
How to Talk to a Disengaged Family Member
If in the midst of the family activity of hang out time, you find that one of the kids is disengaged, ask if everything is ok. Maybe there’s a problem with a friend or a work emergency? Don’t assume that they’ve stepped away because they don’t want to be with the family. Give the benefit of the doubt. Manage your expectations and give grace. Don’t jump to being offended!
When you see that there’s a family member who is constantly on their phone, what can you do? First, stop and pray. Next, observe. Wait for an opportunity to ask if everything is ok. When the time is right, privately ask questions to get to the heart of the matter. Gently point out to the person that you’ve noticed they’ve been on their device a lot and you were wondering if everything was ok.
Help your children understand that they need to be present for the people who are physically in front of them first. Don’t let the person in the phone be put first. Teach them to stay engaged and let the person in the phone wait a minute. This will deepen the relationships in your family.
The CDC recently released new developmental milestone markers for children. This new guidance sadly shows that our children have been developmentally delayed and emotionally hindered during the pandemic. Young children are taking longer to get to their first steps, to smile for the first time, and to wave goodbye. All of our lives have been interrupted in the last two years, but the fallout is showing up in our children.
New Developmental Milestones
Your children have likely experienced some level of isolation during this time. That might be less time with peers, not playing sports, or simply “social distancing.” Your children have experienced life in a way that it has never been experienced before. One day they were in school and the next day they were not. One day they were attending church and the next day they were not. Even homeschoolers saw changes to their schedules even if only in simple things such as shopping habits. These new CDC guidelines for developmental milestones show that our children have been harmed through these changes.
What Can I Do?
Our children are on the losing end right now. What should you do? Flood your school board? Run for an elected office? Maybe, if God’s calling you to do those types of things. The first thing you need to do is pray and ask the Lord to show you what He wants you personally to do.
How to Equip Your Children
What I do know is that God does want you to equip your kids for this season. Are you talking to them about what’s going on in the world around them? In addition to teaching right and wrong, you must teach them how to navigate that in society. As parents, we have to help our kids catch up and go beyond that to excelling in life.
These new developmental milestones guidelines show that your children need you to engage with them on a cognitive level.
Show youf full facial expressions.
Look them in the eye.
Talk with them.
Sit down on the floor and play with them.
Get outside to play with them.
Let them hear your laughter.
Get in the kitchen to cook together.
Praise them for who they are, not what they do.
Tech is Neutral
I have a strong belief that technology is neutral, but sadly our children are being lured into spending countless hours watching others instead of being creators. Children are born creative and adventurous explorers. It’s time to turn off the devices. Be together. Play together.
The Future
Give your child a vision for what life could look like for them. Your child doesn’t have to be a casualty of this experiment or remain a statistic. The goal is always to empower your children! We want them to discover who they are and where they belong. They need to know that they fit in your family and that their value and worth come from God. What will you do today to empower your kids and help them reach developmental milestones?
