Some extreme examples have been recorded and posted online of parents behaving badly at kids’ sporting events recently in central Florida. In response, Fox 35 Orlando asked me to speak about parents who lack self-control. I love doing these segments, but there’s never enough time to say everything so I’m expanding on this topic here on the podcast for you! In this episode, we’re going to go deeper into the impact of parents who lack self-control, what your self-control teaches your kids, and how to turn it around if you’ve been a bad example.
This episode is sponsored by BJU Press Homeschool. Visit bjupresshomeschool.com for trusted educational resources from a biblical worldview.
There are a number of reasons why parents are acting out these days. Parents lack self-control because of:
Fatigue and stress
Sensory overload and overwhelm
Societal expectations and pressure
Personal triggers and identity found in child’s performance
Parenting challenges
Why Do Parents Need Self-Control?
Are you pushing your child to be the best they can be but in the process you are losing the best of you? When you have self-control, your children learn healthy life skills. They learn how to:
Regulate their emotions
Have patience and tolerance
Control impulses
Manage stress
Develop character qualities
These are all things we want our kids to be able to do and do well!
What Happens When Parents Lack Self-Control?
When you show a lack of self-control these things can happen:
Your kids can become emotionally insecure. They become confused by the example set by you as the parent. This comes with anxiety and fear. Instead, ask your child: Did you give it your best?
They begin using the negative behavior that you’re modeling. Your kids will start to think that this behavior is acceptable.
Your child’s self-esteem will be impacted. They will internalize their feelings, believing that their self-worth is based on performance rather than on effort or skill. They won’t be able to regulate their own emotions.
How to Develop Self-Control
What can you do when you’ve been a bad example? Go apologize to your child! Explain that you were not a good example, you didn’t show a good testimony, and you may have embarrassed them. Say that you’re sorry and you were wrong. Ask for forgiveness. Don’t make excuses for your bad behavior!
Here are some ideas for how you prepare yourself for an event or make changes for you and your kids:
Don’t go to an event if you can’t control yourself.
Give a spouse or friend permission to confront you if you lack self-control.
Pray before entering the arena.
Make a decision in advance about how you will behave.
Distance yourself from bad influences at the event.
Move your kids to a different team/group if needed.
Be A Change Maker!
What is etched in your child’s heart becomes the reservoir from which they draw in the future. Remember that you are responsible to the Lord and to your family. As a parent, you don’t have to lack self-control. Instead of being an excuse maker, be a change maker!
One of my purposes here with the Equipped To Be Podcast is to help you build stronger relationships with your children as you launch them into adulthood. In this episode, I dive into the differences between correction and criticism. I share biblical insights, the power of your words, steps to using correction, and the potential pitfalls of sarcasm. Getting a handle on these concepts now will strengthen your relationships with your kids and make them more likely to seek out your advice and counsel when they are older.
This episode is sponsored by BJU Press Homeschool. Visit bjupresshomeschool.com for trusted educational resources from a biblical worldview.
Correction vs. Criticism
To begin this conversation, we need to define these terms. What is the difference between correction and criticism?
Correction flows from a heart that cares about the other person, tends to build up, is biblical, and is motivated by love and compassion. Criticism often comes out of feeling attacked or frustrated, tends to tear down, expresses disapproval, and the words rarely land in a good place.
The Power of Words
Dale Carnegie said that criticizing is easy, but understanding and forgiveness require character and self-control.
Your words have the power to build up or tear down. I regularly say, “Let the words of your mouth land in a tender place of your child’s heart.” Be mindful of your tone, the construct of your sentences, and the child to whom you’re speaking.
Scripture on Correction
Take a look at these verses in the Bible on correction:
2 Timothy 3:16
Proverbs 12:1
Hebrew 12:11
Proverbs 18:21
Probers 13:3
Psalms 141:3
3 Steps to Using Correction
Here are 3 things to help you check yourself to make sure that you’re approaching your child for correction not criticism:
see through your child’s lens
take your thoughts captive
be quick to apologize
Warnings About Sarcasm
I live with a husband and a son gifted in sarcasm. I cannot complete with their one-liners. But, sarcasm can cause trouble. Keep these things in mind when using sarcasm. Sarcasm…
can be misinterpreted
can lead to conflict
can be passive aggressiveness
can lead to cynicism
The Parenting Goal: Stronger Relationships
I encourage you to:
lift up not tear down
guard your own mouth
check your own motive
If you want to keep the heart of your kids and build stronger relationships with them, practice these things. If you do, when they are older and living on their own as adults, they will be more likely to hear what you want to say to them and even seek out your opinions.
I had the pleasure recently to talk with David Closson, the Director of the Center for Biblical Worldview at Family Research Council. I’ve known David for many, many years. He shares with me the sobering statistics regarding the gap between those who say that they are living a Biblical worldview and how their beliefs actually line up with a Biblical worldview. There’s a larger gap than you might even guess!
In this episode, David and I talk about:
David’s background playing basketball with my son to college and seminary to being invited to join the Family Research Council.
The founding and purpose of the Center for Biblical Worldview
What is and how do we live a biblical worldview?
The problems of theological liberalism
The financial, social, and legislative pressures on churches today
How issues surrounding gender and identity have become the number one question in churches today
The need for a resource to help churches talk about identity
The de-transitioner movement
Our hope in Jesus and His return
God doesn’t call us to change the world alone; He calls us to each be faithful to our individual callings
I hope that you heard David’s heart in this episode and were encouraged. It is so important that we return to the basics. As David said, “God’s work is sufficient.” Everything we need is there in Scripture!
About David Closson
David Closson serves as the Director of the Center for Biblical Worldview at Family Research Council. He researches and writes on life, human sexuality, religious liberty, and related issues from a biblical worldview.
David is the author of FRC’s Biblical Worldview Series, which seeks to help Christians and Christian leaders apply the teachings of the Bible to difficult moral questions.
David has served as a Program Leader for Covenant Journey, leading trips to Israel designed to strengthen Christian college students in their faith through an experiential journey of biblical and modern Israel. He has served on staff or as an ordained deacon at churches in Florida and Kentucky. He also interned for the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention.
His writing has appeared at Fox News, Real Clear Politics, National Review, The Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, Decision Magazine, WORLD Opinions, The Gospel Coalition, Townhall, and Christian Post. David is the co-author of Male and Female He Created Them: A Study on Identity, Sexuality, and Marriage (Christian Focus, 2023). David is a regular guest on Washington Watch, FRC’s national television and radio program heard on over 800 stations in forty-eight states.
Currently, David is completing a Ph.D. in Christian Ethics at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. David is a graduate of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary (M.Div., Th.M.) and the University of Central Florida (B.A., political science, cum laude).
David lives in Washington, D.C. and is a member of Capitol Hill Baptist Church.
A news outlet recently asked me to talk about the boom in homeschooling. Why is there such a surge of parents choosing to homeschool their kids? I’m a little surprised they couldn’t see the answer based on the news they are reporting. My kids are grown and having kids of their own, but I’m even more passionate about homeschooling now than I was years ago when I was homeschooling my own kids. It’s important that you as a parent find your voice in the midst of the noise of this struggle with educators. Who knows your child best? You? Or an educator?
My passion for homeschooling started because I wanted a close family and figured I could teach them the basics just as well as the public school could. My perspective on why to homeschool has changed over the years. Now, it’s more about families. I care about families and our nation. I see the design and purpose for which God created families.
Those who hold the purse strings of the American educational system do not want dissenting opinions. They don’t want your children to be able to compete in the global marketplace. There is a dumbing down of America in process and yet educators and administrators have the audacity to tell parents that they don’t know what they are doing when it comes to educating their own children. They assert that they are the ones who know your child best.
You Know Your Child Best!
My advice to you as the parent is this: Don’t accept it when you’re told you don’t have a voice in your child’s education! You as the parent are the one who knows your child best!
When a wedge is driven between parents and children, our children become fair game for any ideology that anyone wants to teach them. The reality is that God gave you your children and they are your responsibility to teach and train. There’s an army of folks who are against you and don’t believe that parents are or should be the primary influence on their child’s life.
We are told to shut up and go along, but the reality is that it is your job to be the primary influence in your child’s life. I’m sure that many of us don’t speak because we don’t want to be targeted. Please, don’t abdicate this role in your child’s life! You are enough for your kids. Again, you are the one who knows your child best! Most of parenting is figuring out what you’re going to do in any given situation. What is best for your child? What is best for your family? God shows you the way.
Hold onto this: You’re going to get it right more than an educator who sees your child a limited number of hours a week during the school year. It’s not about perfection. It’s about God’s design for the family and knowing that you’re equipped by God to be the parent your child needs.
What can you do? You can decide now what the priority is for your family. Keep your focus there. We want our children to want to be with us and spend time with us as they get older but these strong relationships must be built now while they are kids, before they leave your home.
I was recently asked to do a news segment responding to a story about how a twelve-year-old and their friend snuck out of the house and drove four hundred miles to meet up with someone they’d met online. Sadly the age for children engaging in risky and dangerous behavior online is trending younger and younger. As a parent, how can you keep your kids safe online? What do you do when you find that your child is having secret chats online?
You need to take a position of balance between fear and caution. Even if you’re a tech-savvy parent, your kids probably know how to get around your efforts. Kids want to be affirmed, appreciated, and noticed so some are easily loured in by predators online. Your child just wants to have fun, but the bad people on the other side of the computer have honed their skills of deception.
Teach Your Kids to Make Wise Choices Now
The goal is for your kids to learn how to use technology and social media well while they are still under your roof. Then when they go out into the world with unmonitored access, they’ve already learned to have good boundaries and make wise choices. How do you set boundaries and teach your kids to make wise choices?
Establish Open and Honest Communication
The first step in this process is to establish open and honest communication with your tweens and teens. Discuss online safety. Remind them over and over again about these issues of tech and safety.
Set Clear Expectations
Next, set clear expectations. Set rules for technology and social media usage. Decide what’s allowed and what’s not allowed. Set time boundaries. Above all else, take time to explain the why behind the rules and boundaries.
Use parental controls
Use parental control options available to you. Set the rules, but use these tools to put guardrails in place. You have to follow up and monitor the rules that you put into place. Block and restrict content as needed. Check your child’s browser history. It’s your job to protect your kids! If you’re less tech-savvy, find tutorials online for how to use various settings.
Monitor Social Media Sites
Be sure to monitor social media sites and your child’s social media profiles. See who they are following. Watch what their friends are posting. Be sure to find a balance between checking and hovering.
Talk to Other Parents
Take time to talk to other parents. Find out about tools and methods they are using to keep their kids safe. What are they struggling with? Keep in mind that your kids are more likely to tell you what a friend did than to share the bad thing that they did themselves.
Tools for Monitoring Online Activity
There are a lot of tools out there for monitoring your child’s online activity. A couple we’ve looked at are Bark and Net Nanny. There are many more services available to choose from and more coming on the market every day. Be aware that some of these tools are using AI to determine when to alert you. You’ll need to decide where to balance privacy and the use of AI to protect your kids.
What To Do About Secret Chats Online
Don’t be afraid to talk to your kids about these topics. Ask them questions. Make sure they know you love them. Talk about the what-if scenarios. Role-play these things out. Remind them not to give out personal info.
But what if your child is already found themselves in trouble? Always watch and observe. Be aware of any secrecy and let that clue you into a problem. If you find that something has happened and your child is having secret chats online consider these next steps:
Breathe
Ask God for discernment and words specific for that child
Don’t overreact
Parents, stay engaged! Ask your kids about their online conversations. Make sure that your kids know that you’re on their side. Give them the guidance needed now so that when they leave your home they can navigate the online world with confidence as an adult.
When I met Rachael Adams a few years ago at a podcasting conference, I was so intrigued by her kindness and her authenticity. We connected again at another conference last year and I was so excited to hear about the book she had coming out. Rachael has such a heart for women in their search for significance and purpose. I’m excited to introduce her to you!
In this episode, Rachael and I discuss:
Rachael’s farm
The search for significance and listing of accomplishments
Finding wisdom in God’s word
God’s love for you just as you are not what you do
Seeing the ordinary become extraordinary
What might God do with one encounter?
I hope you are encouraged by Rachael’s perspective on life and Scripture in our conversation!
About Rachael Adams
Writer and podcaster Rachael Adams started her ministry to help women realize their God-given purpose and significance. She and her husband, Bryan, run a family business and farm in Kentucky with their two children, Will and Kate, and two doodle dogs.
