I speak frequently about how to keep kids safe online. I’ve found two camps of parenting styles when it comes to technology and internet usage. On one side, some parents decide to give no access at all to technology. On the other side, they allow their kids near unrestricted access.
If you’ve been around the Equipped To Be Podcast for very long, you know that I’m not a proponent of restricting all access to technology and the internet. At the same time, I’ve found that giving too much access without much monitoring and deep conversations with your kids can also backfire. I’ve talked to employees at some of the large tech companies and received varying responses about how to handle kids and tech, but it usually comes back to watching and monitoring. That’s a lot easier if you’re tech-savvy!
These days, it’s more likely a question of when, not if, your children or one of their friends will encounter bullying. I believe that the best middle-ground approach to tech usage is to use parental controls AND to have close relationships with your kids.
What does this look like in practice? How do you keep your kids safe online?
Conversations about Technology and Online Spaces
Relationships are at the core of having a balanced approach to online safety. Here are some things to consider when building these relationships and having these deep conversations.
Talk to your kids about why internet safety matters for their future. They need to understand the why. This is the principle behind the rule.
Give your kids some basic guidelines about internet etiquette. If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, then don’t type it online. If you wouldn’t want it done to you, then don’t do it to someone else.
Ask your kids about their friends. Except for some of your highly sensitive kids who may be more likely to respond openly, your kids are likely not going to answer direct questions. Ask if their friends are encountering issues online. Open deeper conversations about your experiences and your friends’ experiences help your kids be more vulnerable.
Encourage Common Sense Practices
Implement some simple guidelines for device usage in your home like:
Use devices in open spaces.
Set time limits
Encourage to not always be on a device.
Engage with people, nature, and books.
Help your kids understand that with freedom comes responsibility. They need to know that you’re looking out for their best interests. It’s not about control but about their safety.
I’m excited to welcome Dr. Kathy Koch back to the podcast! Dr. Kathy has a new book about kids and resiliency. She’s back to talk with me today about this book titled Resilient Kids and to define and expand upon resiliency. This is about so much more than the trauma of living through a pandemic!
I recently saw a statistic from Max Lucado that something like 80% of young people are feeling stress, anxiety, and/or depression. The mental health crisis in our country is staggering! Dr. Kathy and Celebrate Kids are doing what they can to educate parents. She’s optimistic but realistic in the way that she teaches.
Kids and Resiliency
Dr. Kathy defines resiliency as “readily recovering from difficulties.” She says that it’s not about being bouncy and happy like Tigger about struggles, but bouncing forward or coming back to a right standing when something bad happens.
Here are some of the things Dr. Kathy and I touch on regarding resilient kids in this episode:
Walking with your kids in their struggles
How Mom should leave the room if prone to overprotect and intervene too quickly.
How struggles made kids stronger just like they made you stronger
How struggles help us trust in ourselves and others
The problem of toxic positivity
How learning something new is hard
Working on self-talk – “What makes you think that’s true?”
Using “I am…” statements
Using examples and pictures and giving proof to show progress or back up claims
Acknowledging your child’s feeling
Using the word “yet”
Telling your kids not to lie to themselves
Letting your kids see you ask for help
Raising the children you have and not the ones you wish you had
Reframing thought patterns
The differences between Big T Trauma vs Little t trauma
I hope you found Dr. Kathy’s conversation encouraging and equipping! If you like what she had to say in this episode, be sure to check out her books using the links in the resource section below.
About Dr. Kathy Koch
Dr. Kathy Koch (pronounced “cook”) is the Founder and President of Celebrate Kids, Inc., based in Fort Worth, TX, and a co-founder of Ignite the Family, based in Alpharetta, GA. She has influenced thousands of parents, teachers, and children in 30 countries through keynote messages, seminars, chapels, and other events. She is proud to be represented by the Ambassador Speakers Bureau of Nashville, TN. She is a featured speaker for the Great Homeschool Conventions, on the faculty of Summit Ministries, and a frequent presenter for Care Net, Axis, and other organizations. She speaks regularly at schools, churches, and pregnancy resource centers.
There’s a new term in HR departments around the country: quiet quitters. It refers to people who don’t want to overexert themselves. They do just enough to get their paycheck and not get fired. Your children have the opportunity to take the marketplace by storm in this quiet quitter culture!
Have you ever seen this tendency to do just enough in your kids? They do just enough in their math work or put just enough sentences in that writing assignment paragraph. The problem with the quiet quitter mentality comes back to integrity. Even at this early stage, you can work with your kids to show them how to have integrity in their lives.
The Bible tells us that if we don’t work, we don’t eat. Sadly, culture has shifted to a lot of people who don’t want to work but want to spend a lot of time eating and shopping!
Pursuing Excellence
This is a great opportunity to talk to your kids about doing things with excellence and greatness. Show your kids how to give their best. I’m not suggesting that you sacrifice your family for work, but there is a relative balance that can be achieved when you do your best and have integrity.
What Are Companies Looking For?
Corporations, businesses, and the marketplace in general are all looking for people who will work hard. The world needs thought leaders who know how to put in a good day of work. It’s time to teach our children character qualities to reach that goal. They need to learn about:
Perseverance
Diligence
Determination
Grit
These qualities will give your kids the ability to add value and make a difference in the world.
Find Your Kids’ Strengths
One of the best ways to practically help your kids develop these qualities is by helping them find their strengths. I often talk to parents and students about finding their strengths so they can pursue their unique calling. When you have this understanding of yourself, you can add knowledge, skills, and hard work to build a fulfilling life. People are not just handed a life, they build a life, a career, and a family.
We are made by God to build things and add value to the people around us. Work doesn’t have to be something we dread. We’re not raising a generation to live in mediocrity. We’re raising a generation to lead, be innovators, and be risk-takers. We want them to shine a light for others to make a difference and an impact.
To reach this goal, we have to model this lifestyle and character. We must talk about these attributes with our kids. Show your kids the possibilities. Show them how to have a good work ethic. Don’t let them become quiet quitters!
Are you immersing yourself in today? Or are you wrapped up in taking pictures “so you won’t forget?” Or consumed with what someone else is doing? Or thinking about work that needs to be done? I have the same temptations and I want to encourage you to focus more on immersing yourself in today rather than the cares of tomorrow.
How many times when you’re on vacation or on a nature walk with your kids, do you pull out your phone and take pictures? You start snapping pictures of everything because you want to remember it all. You want to be able to look back and relive the moment later.
I’ll confess. I have a ton of pictures on my phone. I tell my kids that I take so many pictures so I can remember everything. But, I feel a little convicted about the number of pictures.
Not Fully Present?
How often do you take pictures but forget to be fully present in the moment? I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take pictures. I just want you to truly experience the moment you’re in. When you look back at the pictures, do you remember what was going on around you? It’s kind of hard to relive a moment that I didn’t really live in the first place. Was I distracted instead of present? I encourage you to embrace where you are whether is it a waterfall, a vacation destination, or a typical day.
Sadly, these days, when you’re out and about, everyone is on their phones. They are missing what’s right in front of them! Don’t get caught up in trying to do more or that feeling that you might be missing out on something. Stop missing out on what is in front of you because you’re looking five steps ahead. Immerse yourself in today!
What is going on in your life today that you might be missing because you’re not fully immersed in today? You can’t go back to where you once were in life. That’s now history. This moment only happens once. The enemy loves to rob us of our time. He loves to see us busy. The enemy wants to distract us. He is trying to make us believe that we can multitask. Resist and choose to be present today.
Regrets and Living in the Moment
What do you regret not doing or not doing more of? Do you wish you would have traveled more? Wish you would have been in the corporate world? Something else? I made decisions in my life that meant I had to pass up opportunities in order to be present with and for my kids.
If I was out on the boat with the kids when they were little, I couldn’t be consumed by what others were doing that might be more interesting or more fun. In some ways, you could say I was oblivious to what others were doing because I wanted to be fully present with my kids, but I also had the luxury of not having instant access to social media when my kids were that little. But, I could have easily allowed myself to be consumed with news headlines instead of reading that bedtime story. You have the opportunity today to help a child with a math problem, show them how to cook or ride a bike, and more. Be there and be present!
Be Interested in Your Kids for Long-term Relationships
Your kids want to know that you’re interested in them. When they know this, they want to be around you. My adult children pop over to the house regularly. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t have a kid come by the house at some point. These relationships don’t happen by accident. It takes a vision of the future and intentional work on your part today.
Don’t go through life taking pictures of places and activities where you weren’t fully present. Immerse yourself in today!
As a parent, it can be a tricky balance to decide how much to share or not to share with your parents about your homeschooling journey. You may have parents who are supportive or you may have parents who are not supportive of your schooling choice. I’ve had both experiences. Grandparents can be a great support for their homeschool grandkids if they make intentional choices.
I want to encourage you to be sure to share and include those grandparents who are not totally on board with your choices but share with discretion. Don’t cut them out of what’s going on, but I wouldn’t share all my failures with them either! My mother-in-law was never against our choice to homeschool, but she wasn’t fully on board either. We still included in our homeschool journey. I’m so thankful on the other side to have had a mom who was very supportive of her homeschooled grandkids with both her time and her finances. She made herself available anytime she could to be helpful and generous.
But, in this episode, I want to talk directly to those of you who are grandparents of homeschool grandkids. There are so many things that you can do to support your homeschool grandkids! (And if you’re a mentor or Auntie or something like that, you can be a support for the homeschool kids in your life too!)
Ideas for Supporting Your Homeschool Grandkids
Here’s a list of ideas that I unpack and give examples for in this episode:
Ask how you can help
Take care of the littles while Mom is working with the older kids
Run older kids to activities
Send gift cards or care packages of supplies
Send encouraging text messages to your kids
Send encouraging text messages to your grandkids
Pray for your kids
Pray for your grandkids
Tell your grandkids how great their parents are
Grandparents, what do you want your grandkids to remember about you? I hope that their memories are things like Grandpa took me to practice and out for ice cream or Grandma was there to play with me when I was little. You may not like every decision that your children make with your grandkids, but I challenge you to pray and ask that God change your heart. Your children love your grandchildren even more than you do and they need you to support their decisions.
What change or addition can you make this school year to support your homeschool grandkids?
What shapes family relationships? How can your kids grow up to be close friends? I wish I could tell you that you can build sibling relationships using a simple three-step formula. It can be simple, but it does take work and more than three steps to create an environment that will strengthen sibling relationships.
Shepherding a Child with Big Emotions A Biblical Approach
Our family gets together on a regular basis. It’s just who we are. We drop things and rearrange schedules as much as we can to get together. It might be a birthday or a family movie night. At least once a week we try to get together and as many as can show up. I love that my kids want to be around each other. It’s so much fun to watch their conversations and see their close relationships now as adults. It took many years and a lot of work to create an environment for those relationships to grow, strengthen, and thrive.
As Your Family Grows
When you introduce a new child into your family, the dynamics shift. The other kids didn’t get a say in whether or not this new little one could join the family and a measure of chaos exists as sleep is disrupted and schedules have to change. This can lead to some resentment. Take time to look at these issues through the eyes of your older child or children. Understand that the older siblings didn’t ask for siblings. They didn’t get to choose a boy or girl, how many siblings, if they would share a room, and more.
Ways to Strengthen Sibling Relationships
Here are some things to watch for and remember as you create an environment and a family dynamic for sibling relationships to be strengthened:
Watch for bullying. Some kids will act up when you’re not looking. Even Christian siblings are not immune to this.
Keep tabs on how your children are getting along. Help your kids understand how the words or tone they use will land on their siblings’ hearts.
Teach them to respect their differences and uniquenesses. Show your kids how each of them fits into your family.
Remember that you can’t force your kids to be friends. Friendship is a commitment to love one another. It means working things out when something goes wrong and it requires forgiveness. Your child has to make this choice.
Remember the ages and stages of your children. The middle school years are very hormonal and the high school years often come with requests for space. Relationships will change as the years go by.
Help your kids identify what’s at the root of frustrations with a sibling. Help them learn to see past the flaws in each other.
Mom and Dad, it’s up to you to cultivate an environment that causes sibling relationships to grow. The goal is that they’d be friends long after you are gone. We want them to respect each other for who they are and not what they do. Each child belongs in our family because God placed him or her here. Encouragement, care, compassion, respect, and entertainment. These all play a part in strengthening sibling relationships.
