When you have a baby, there is unimaginable joy. It’s hard to understand how much a mom or dad loves their child. But, we have to be careful to not put conditions on that love as they grow older. There are hindrances that can pop up to giving your kids unconditional love.
Hindrances to Unconditional Love
There are four hindrances to giving your kids unconditional love that can completely derail your relationships:
Unmet expectations – This might be in the form of your needs you feel like your child should meet or performance metrics that your child isn’t living up to.
Fear of rejection or rebellion – Don’t let the fear of being pushed away keep you from loving your kids.
Not knowing your children – Learn how each of your children best receives love. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a great resource for discovering your child’s preferences for receiving love.
Your past relationship with your parents – It’s easy to follow in the footsteps of our parents’ parenting style. If you didn’t have a good relationship with your parents, you still have the opportunity to change your legacy.
Kids want the affirmation of their parents. If they don’t get that affirmation from you, they will look for it somewhere else. We all have a deep need to be loved and receive love. Ask the Lord where He wants you to change so you can better give unconditional love to your children.
My father-in-law is an architect. Years ago, when my kids were little, I was in his office looking at the artwork on the walls. It was a collection of buildings that he had designed. One, in particular, caught my eye. It was a building designed on the side of a mountain with metal posts going into the ground. As I talked to him about it, I learned about foundations and what it takes to know how to build in a situation like this. His answer: the soil. You have to know the soil. It’s the same with your kids. To build a strong foundation of relationship with them you have to know their soil and how to best build on that soil.
God created your child to be a masterpiece, as we’ve already discussed in this series. It’s up to you to learn about the soil of each of their hearts to help build a strong foundation in them. You have to become an expert on your child. What gets them excited? What lifts them up? What drives them to tears? Each of your children is different so it’s important to adjust your approach so you do not wound the sensitive one but also get through to the strong child.
In this 4th episode in a series about Parenting Beyond the Rules, let’s dive into what it takes to build trust with our kids.
Foundation of Trust
Charles Feltman, a trust expert, broke trust down into four areas: sincerity, reliability, competence, and care.
Sincerity: Our children need to know that we’re sincere. They need to know that we say what we mean and mean what we say. Words matter.
Reliability: Do you keep your promises? Our kids need to know that we are reliable. When you say I’ll be there in 5 minutes, do you show up?
Competence: Competence means that you have the skills to do what you say you’re going to do. If you don’t have the needed skills, you have to be honest and tell your kids that you’re going to figure it out together.
Care: Showing your kids that you care means having their best interest at heart. People are generally selfish. The Lord tells us to esteem others higher than ourselves.
These things work together to establish trust at the foundation of relationship with your kids. This helps them know that they can count on us.
Building Trust
There are three things you can actively use to develop trust with your kids:
Time – Quality time together doing things that are intentional.
Grace – An atmosphere of grace changes the temperature of your home and sets the stage for forgiveness.
Repentance – Mistakes will be made along the way so learn to say I’m sorry.
Communicate Well
Building a strong foundation of relationship requires good communication. We have to clearly articulate, which requires thought and being a little slower to speak sometimes. Our kids need to hear our dreams, hopes, and goals as a family. We are relational at our core – first with the Lord and then with others. We want to create families that don’t just survive until the kids turn 18, but rather families that have beautiful, rich relationships as the kids become adults!
Did you get a parenting manual when your child was handed to you? Sometimes, it feels like it would have been easier if we had been given a guide or some 3-step formula when they were born. Instead, you’re searching the internet for quick tips and hacks to get you through the current parenting struggle. Sometimes the picture gets blurry… but God is not done with the story!
Maybe you’re currently looking at a picture of life and of your child that isn’t quite what you thought it would look like back when they were little. Maybe your teen is rebellious. Maybe you have a child who is simply ignoring you. Maybe you’ve thrown up your hands and declared, “It is what it is!” That may be true, but only for this moment. God created that masterpiece in the making and He is not done yet!
What can you do in the meantime?
Different Parenting Styles
As your child grows and changes, you also have to grow and change. I mention these five major parenting styles in Parenting by the Rules. Consider where you fit and how you can change to meet the needs of each of your children.
Authoritative Parent
Authoritative—This type of parent is typically seen as the most effective and helpful to a child. They are flexible and fair. They try to listen and communicate without overreacting. This type of parenting tends to be more predictable and is full of grace, understanding, forgiveness, kindness, and unconditional love. They teach their kids that they can accomplish great things if they are willing to work hard and put their minds to it.
Permissive Parent
Permissive—This parent is easygoing. Kids might call them pushovers. There are fewer rules. They focus on peace and harmony to avoid conflict. These parents believe their kids will figure things out, but this hands-off approach can make kids feel less loved because the parent is too disengaged.
Helicopter Parent
Helicopter—This style of parenting is a blend between authoritative and permissive. They see the need for boundaries and rules to keep chaos at bay but try to give more freedom. Unfortunately, fear and anxiety often define these parents. While well-intentioned with the requirements of constant check-ins, these parents must remember to teach the why along the way.
Hovering Parent
Hovering— These parents are more intrusive than the helicopter parent. At the first sign of trouble, they sweep in for the rescue. There’s a fine line between rescuing and letting your kids figure things out. It’s important for these parents to ask God for wisdom and discernment.
Lawnmower Parent
Lawnmower—This mom or dad will make sure their child has every opportunity on a paved path. They don’t believe that anyone else has their child’s best interest in mind. They are well-meaning, but they are likely to quickly step in to talk to teachers or coaches to argue on their child’s behalf.
The Strengths and Weaknesses
Every parenting style has its strengths and weaknesses. We as the parents have to adjust to the child we have, not the child we’re trying to make them into. If the picture gets blurry, maybe it’s time to take a step back and look at how you’re parenting a particular child and adjust. Only God knows your child’s heart, so you have to focus on building a strong relationship with them. Give them a strong foundation by modeling Biblical principles that govern your decision-making.
Ask yourself and the Lord these questions:
What do I need to change?
When do I need to change?
When do I need to hold firm?
When do I need to press pause?
When do I need to let my responsible child have more freedom?
Always remember that your child has a calling in their life, a plan, and a purpose from God. It’s up to you to help them discover that!
Our minds are powerful. Sometimes our thoughts run away from us. We find ourselves falling into destructive self-talk and negativity. This mindset not only affects us personally, but we end up bringing this baggage into our marriage and parenting. How can you overcome toxic thinking?
Alicia Michelle uses cognitive behavior combined with the Bible to find thought patterns and why we do what we do. She sat down with me to talk about mindset, overcoming toxic thinking, and doing this from a Christian perspective. We chatted about:
The difference between simply saying something to yourself and changing a thought pattern
The importance of the time frame from ages 9-13 and influences during that time
Freedom mindset vs positive thinking and people-pleasing
Finding healing in your subconscious mind using brain priming
The first step in change: paying attention
Having self-compassion
Alicia Michelle has so much wisdom in the area of mindset and breaking free from toxic thinking. I’m so thankful to have had this conversation with her and to have the opportunity to share it with you. I encourage you to check out her podcast and other resources to dig into this topic further.
About Alicia Michelle
Alicia Michelle is an author, Bible teacher, podcaster, and certified NeuroCoach. Known as the Mindset Makeover Coach, she equips Christian women with practical brain-and-biblically-based tools so they know how to renew their minds in order to overcome toxic thinking patterns (such as perfectionism, fear/worry, and not feeling “enough”) so they can cultivate godly confidence.
Sometimes it can be hard to be and to love where you are. It is so tempting to try to speed up time and pass over sticky, messy seasons. We want to rush through suffering and pain. But, there are lessons to be learned and relationships to be built in these seasons. Somer Colbert joins me in this episode to talk about these things and how to love where you are.
Somer knows what it’s like to walk through trials, especially in foster and adoption, but she also knows what it’s like to be in the trenches of raising and discipling kids. She has so much wisdom to share! In this conversation, she and I talk about:
Loving where you and not rushing through various seasons of lfe, especially the hard ones
Sharing Christ with others through our gifts and talents
Seeking relationship instead relief
Walking through the joys and disappointments of foster care and adoption
Living the perfect model found in Deuteronomy 6
Learning to live a life of prayer
Leaving behind panic parenting
I hope that you are encouraged by this conversation with Somer. Spend some time pondering Deuteronomy 6 this week and asking God how to implement the principles in your family!
About Somer Colbert
Somer Colbert is a writer, speaker, and host of the Love Where You Are podcast. She is the Director of Adoption and Foster Care Ministry at Crosschurch and Connected Champion with the Arkansas Baptist Children’s Home and Family Ministries where she creates support, awareness, and advocacy for families seeking to serve in the areas of adoption and foster care. Somer is also a part of the Hope in Grief writing team where she encourages families walking through adoption grief. She creates weekly podcast episodes and resources to equip and empower Christian families to identify their influence for the gospel in every season, live life on mission, and share Jesus right where they are. Somer is passionate about equipping spiritually healthy families and seeing a movement of God’s people step into confidence in their ability to change the world around them through the way they love! She resides in Arkansas with her husband, three kids, and three dogs. She’s obsessed with British docudramas and cooking shows and can always be found with a cup of hot tea in hand. Her life has been forever changed by the love of Jesus, marriage to her favorite person, parenting her crazy crew, and walking multiple adoption journeys.
Do you smile in your homeschool and in your family life? Raising your kids, homeschooling, and developing relationships are all hard work. Sometimes you lose your smile… You’re not alone in this journey! Todd Wilson from The Smiling Homeschooler wants to see you have joy and smile. He talks with me about being a homeschool dad, catching a vision for your family, and delighting in your family.
Todd and his wife have eight kids who currently run the range of seasons from still at home and homeschooling to grown adults with their own kids. His mission has been to make moms laugh by talking about the realities of homeschooling and family life.
In this episode, Todd had me laughing as we talked about these topics.
Having joy in homeschooling and smiling more
Gauging the temperature of your home as a dad
Assuming your role and taking responsibility as a husband and dad
Allowing your husband to be involved in school and family life without discouraging him
and more!
I hope you laugh too and are encouraged by my conversation with Todd!
About Todd Wilson
Todd Wilson, author of Help! I’m Married to a Homeschooling Mom and The Official Book of Homeschooling Cartoons, is a dad, writer, conference speaker, and former pastor. Todd’s humor and gut-honest realness have made him a favorite speaker at homeschool conventions across the country and a guest on Focus on the Family. His articles have appeared in various magazines. Christianity Today also posts his weekly column (The Familyman Weekly) on their website. Todd and his wife Debbie, along with their eight children spend several months of the year traveling the country encouraging moms and dads. His humor, realness, and straight talk to men (& women) have become his trademark.
