A new year always brings some kind of change that must be embraced. And there have been so many changes in these last couple of years of disruption! Maybe you’re homeschooling or distance learning now, but you weren’t last year. Maybe you’re still working from home or maybe you’re transitioning back to the office. How do you adapt to these changes? Are you holding on to the One who can help you be stable in the midst of disruptions? Are you confident in the One who can help you with embracing change?
The rules of life seem to be constantly changing. How do you adapt without losing your focus or losing your why? To thrive and not just survive in 2022, it’s time to take a look at our thinking patterns of why we do what we do. Let’s walk through how you can embrace change this year.
List the Rules
Start by listing the rules that you have in your life and that of your home and family.
Why do you work the way you do?
Why do you have the curfew set that you do?
Why do you have the rules for your household that you do?
Other rules?
What is Not Working?
Make a list of things that you are struggling with in your family:
Are you struggling with sibling squabbles?
Is there a broken relationship?
Rules and practices that aren’t working?
Something else?
What Could Change?
Allow yourself to think outside of the box to make the relationships in your home better. Think about these kinds of things:
Why do you have the rules established the way that you do?
Do you need to pivot and adjust anything because of how the world has changed?
What if you had different thinking that still fit the narrative of what your family values are?
What if you tried something different?
Could you…
Listen more
Set new boundaries
Talk more as a family
As a parent, you set a lot of the rules and habits in the family. You control the zip code you live in, the shopping day, the cleaning day, the bedtimes, etc. Your kids are often left out of these decisions. How can you involve your kids in the changes and new rules?
Challenging Times
The reality of this new year is that your faith is being challenged in the midst of this culture shift. There’s pressure for you to change how you think, feel, and behave in relationship to God’s Word. Your kids are caught up in this too.
How are you teaching and protecting your kids in the midst of this change? Depending on your family and the area in which you live, your kids will have a different awareness level of what is going on in the world. Are you teaching them to be kind? Are you teaching them to be mindful of what others think or feel and how they process the world around them? Are you teaching them to be respectful without bending to the whims of what everybody else is saying or doing?
There’s a cost to standing up and being different. You have to be careful that you don’t become bitter or angry. Maybe you’ve had hard times or lost friends in standing up for your family or convictions. Remember that God is not absent. He is your refuge and gives you wisdom. You have to figure out what standing up looks like for you and your family. For some of you that will mean speaking out more. For others of you that will mean more time spent on your knees in prayer.
May God bless and lead you as you are embracing change in 2022!
Mentors are important and play a special role in our lives. Unfortunately, it is far too easy for mentors to replace mothers, or fathers, in a child’s life. God has given parents a special calling and responsibility that mentors cannot replace in the life of a teen or young adult. What do you do when the mentor-mentee relationship lines have been blurred to the point that the mentee sees the mentor as an authority above the parent?
The Mentor
When I was first starting to mentor teens, I quickly found times where a teen was listening to me more than they were listening to their moms. She’d say something like, “I can’t talk to my mom like I can talk to you.” Red flag! Warning! Be sure to explore issues like this with your mentees when they arise. As a mentor, you have the responsibility to go deeper and get to the heart of the matter. The ultimate goal is for the mentee to live life with their parents.
Here are two important things to keep in mind as a mentor:
Always be mindful of the parent behind the child.
Remember that you’re not getting the full picture of the dynamics within the home.
If you’re a mentor, be mindful of your influence. Always direct the mentee back to their parents. It’s an honor to be used by God to mentor others, but don’t ever allow yourself to replace the parent. That is a sacred God-given place reserved for the mother and father. Help the mentee see that you don’t have the final authority that their parent has. It can also be helpful to show the mentee how they might be contributing to the angst in the relationship. Give her tools to help rebuild the relationship with the parents.
“Don’t allow yourself to be a mentor that replaces a mother.”
Connie Albers
The Mother
Are you a mother who has been replaced by a mentor in the life of a child? First, you have to avoid mocking, marginalizing, ridiculing, or besmirching. It is difficult to hear your child say, “Coach says I need to do this…” when you’ve been saying the same thing for years! If you are not kind towards the person who has influence in your child’s life, they will put up more of a wall between the two of you.
If you’re been replaced by a mentor, pursue the heart of your child! Your next best steps are:
Listen
Pray
Interject where you can when asked
Sometimes mentors are just around for a season. A coach can push your child in a way that you can’t. So, get to know that person. Keep your heart from becoming resentful towards the person trying to help your child navigate life. Mentors have their place in the lives of your children. At the same time, don’t go to the mentor and “out” your child either. Instead, pray that the mentor would see the situation clearly.
Mentors, please remember that there is a parent on the other end behind that child you’re mentoring. If you’re the mom who has been pushed out, ask God to heal the relationship, keep your heart tender, and be thankful that someone is pouring truth into your child.
Your older children are facing a world with so much chaos and conflicting information. If you’re like me, you want them to know what you think. You want to protect them from failure or pain. But whether your older children are teens, college-aged, young adults, or older, there comes a point when you can’t make them do or say the right thing. You can’t force them to navigate a situation well. These older children are now adults, or close to being adults. It’s a new season and you need to learn how to give advice to older children.
My mom used to regularly say that she was going to give someone a piece of her mind. I used to silently (and not so silently at times) think that no one wants a piece of her mind! When your older children are in a difficult situation and you have opinions, it’s so easy to jump right to giving them a piece of your mind. But, there’s a better way!
First, let me encourage you with this. If you’ve been pouring God’s principles into your kids, that wisdom is still all inside of them. It can be painful to watch an older child not listen or seem to not listen to those years of guidance. Rest assured that the phrases you’ve said repeatedly and things you’ve taught them are inside their brains and hearts. Those things will come back to them in times of need.
Let the words you speak land in a tender place in their heart.
Connie Albers
There’s a better way to give advice to your older kids than to give them an unsolicited piece of your mind.
Wait for Them to Ask for Advice
I know that you desperately want your older kids to know what you think, but wait until they ask. Show them respect by restraining your mouth. Know the child you’re speaking to, regardless of their age. Give them a chance to learn to be a problem-solver. They need space to develop discernment. Sadly for us as the parent, this means watching our kids make some poor decisions as they learn these skills.
Ask If They’d Like Your Advice
Before you dish out that piece of your mind, pause and ask if your older child would like to know what you’re thinking. This also requires discernment on your part for good timing. When your older child is no longer living under your roof, gauging the best timing becomes more difficult. You must hold your thoughts for the right time. If necessary, write your thoughts down in a journal and hold them there until the time is right to share.
When the time is right to ask for permission to speak into a situation in your child’s life, try phrases like:
Would you like to know what I’m thinking about…?
Would you like to know how I’d encourage you in…?
Would you like to know some things to consider about…?
Would like like to hear a different perspective on…?
If you don’t ask permission first, your words are less likely to land in that tender place in their hearts and will instead be rejected. Timing is crucial to being heard. Wait for your kids to ask. If you can’t wait, then ask for permission to give your advice.
Pray for Your Older Children
Be fervent in praying for your older children. Pray for things like:
Protection
Discernment
Guidance
Someone who can say what you’d like to say
Be a sounding board for your older children. Let them know you’re praying for them. They need to know that you’re there for them. The fair-weather friends will disappear. Cancel culture will try to shut them down. But, I as your parent… I will always be here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.
I’ve walked through this season of life with my teens, my college-aged kids, and my young adult children. I assure you, it is possible to lead your children without saying a word. When they do invite you into their lives to share your thoughts and advice, handle that trust with care. Your long-term goal is to create rich, lasting relationships with your kids.
What should you do when you have a rebellious child? When your child pulls away from you? When your adult child is estranged from you? We don’t openly talk about these kinds of struggles or share these heartbreaking experiences readily on social media. The picture of life can become blurry during these kinds of painful seasons, but there are things that you can do. Let’s talk about the possibilities!
Living with Rebellious Child or an Estranged Adult Child
I say frequently that rules minus relationship equals rebellion. I wrote in Parenting Beyond the Rules about how you have to go beyond the rules. You have to be willing to pivot and adjust. There’s freedom in the pivot! Rules don’t always mean rebellion and having a great relationship doesn’t keep your child from having a mood swing!
I remember my parents’ divorce. I was just 11 years old when my dad told me that he was leaving and that it was all my mother’s fault. Processing that with all of the information that I had and could understand as a child, I became very angry with my mother. The problem is that an 11 year old doesn’t know how to process that. If you know my story, you know I love my mom dearly. Over the years, I let many career opportunities pass by so that I could take care of my mom until her passing a few years ago. Sadly, there was a lot of ugly in the in between years.
There is a raw kind of pain deep in a mom’s heart surrounding rebellious children. If you tried to articulate it, you’d choke up and become speechless. Words cannot express the pain you feel. I’ve sat with many moms in this messy middle. Maybe you’re in these in between years? You have a rebellious child. A child who is sneaky or lies. A child who is estranged. A young adult child who doesn’t respond to texts, doesn’t come around to celebrate the holidays, or doesn’t send a birthday card. You are not alone!
If you have a child and a relationship like this, you likely want to chase after this child like the prodigal son. But, don’t forget the ones who are still at home and doing life with you like your spouse and other children. Despite the hurt, you have to remember to keep showing up for the ones who still present and asking to spend time with you. Letting go seems hard to do. It’s like a death of sorts. It carries so much guilt and so many unspoken words. But you do have to find a way to carry on for the rest of the family.
I’ve written a lot about the challenges of parenting teenagers. I had no idea how hard it would be when they became adults. Everything changes. Your focus needs to be working on the parent you want your child to get to know. So many times, children create a narrative; some of it is real while other parts are not. The story they hear or tell themselves can become etched in their hearts when they put up a wall. They think it is to protect them from you, but it keeps them from seeing the real you. Your heart. Your love. Your devotion over the years.
The Gift of Time
“There is a gift of time, but you aren’t the controller of the time clock.”
Connie Albers
Time can be a great healer. I can’t tell you how much time is required. Maybe it will just be a year, but it might take 5 or 10 years or more. Here are some things that you can do along the way:
Don’t dwell on the situation. Be sure to focus on the children who do want to be near you.
Guard your heart against bitterness, anger, and resentment.
Bitterness will hurt you and the others living with you more than the wayward child.
Anger will cause you to do and say things that you regret.
Resentment keeps you from having an open heart.
Don’t withdraw or isolate yourself. Find a friend or support group or ministry you can connect with. We are made for relationships! When a relationship is broken, so is our heart.
Don’t expect your friends who aren’t walking this journey to understand. They simply can’t understand. Some things can only be understood after the fact.
Moving Forward
Here are some practical reminders and steps forward:
Stay kind.
Stay full of hope.
Believe the Lord is still at work.
Be faithful to show love when or if you are around that child.
Remember that God can restore what was lost.
Remember that God cares about your relationship with your child.
“Keep working on the parent you want your child to know.”
Connie Albers
If you’re trying to figure out how to live with a rebellious child or an estranged adult child, ask God for opportunities to rewrite the story. He can restore, redeem, and make things new.
Tom and I did a lot over the years to cultivate close sibling relationships within our family. I hear frequently that this is an issue of importance and concern for you as you raise your kids. You want to build strong sibling relationships between your kids. So, what do you want to see for your relationship with your kids when they become adults? What do you want to see in the relationships between your children when they become adults? Let’s talk about how you can build a strong foundation starting now to achieve that vision.
Throughout the day we spend a lot of time settling arguments and soothing hurt feelings between the kids, don’t we? Someone did something to someone… again.
“Mom! So and so looked at me funny.”
“Mom! So and so broke my lego set.”
“Mom! Why does he always get to stay up late?”
Sometimes it’s an endless list of offenses, isn’t it? By the end of the day mom falls into bed worn down and worn out. Maybe she’s even begging the Lord to please make the kids stop fighting and start getting along. I bet that happens in your family too. If you have several kids, the amount time spent being a peacemaker or referee can quickly add up.
The truth is that teaching your children to love and honor and accept each other for who God made them to be is necessary to the future of your family. I believe God established the family unit to not only bring Him glory but to help us live a life of togetherness.
You probably already spend countless hours investing in your child:
Reading
Playing
Teaching
Going to church
Reading God’s Word
What more can you do?
Relationships, Relationships, Relationships
You want to build a strong family. You want what’s best for your family. It’s going pretty well until maybe around middle school or high school or college and then you might find these relationship related things are becoming a little harder.
People often ask me about my kids and our relationships. How are the relationships now that they are adults? How did we get there? Well, it is important to know first that how we live life has changed over the years. This is something I write about in Parenting Beyond the Rules. The schedules and routines we clung to when the kids were little, like nap times and bedtimes, shifted when we hit new seasons like high school. I suggest not becoming perplexed when what used to work stops working. There is a natural shifting and changing that takes place over time. Let God lead you in how to change these things as you and your children grow and change.
I don’t think when I was a younger mom there were as many self-proclaimed experts telling me what to do, but I was still careful of who I let give me advice in those days. Back then, I would sometimes get down thinking about how imperfect our family was or how I wished things could be better. That’s the internal drive I have towards ideal. The problem is that’s not realistic. What is realistic is that we have to cultivate that which we want. We have to put in the effort it takes to guard and protect and nurture those sibling relationships. Then we must be willing to adjust along the way.
Richard Plass and James Cofield wrote in The Relational Soul (page 12): “We are designed for and defined by our relationships.” Think about that for a minute. You are designed for relationships. First with God, then with others. Next, you are defined by your relationships. First with God, then with others. Being designed for relationships with others starts within your home with the imperfect people God chose for you to do life with.
“We were born with a relentless longing to participate in the lives of others… We cannot not be relational.”
The Relational Soul – Plass and Cofield
How to Build Sibling Relationships
We must nurture trust with and between our children. They need to know that your family is safe. This is a safe place to be you. Here are some ways that you can do that:
Don’t allow your children to poke, make fun of, or shame their siblings for their weaknesses.
Listen to learn why a child struggles with another sibling.
Don’t allow your kids to compare between each other.
Ask leading questions
Don’t let joking cross the line to making fun of a sibling.
Remind each child they are part of something larger – the family!
Trust is the key to building the relationships that hold your family together. It takes sincerity, reliability, competence, and care every step of the way.
How can you learn to love struggles and trials? We are conditioned to ignore and suppress struggles and trials in order to not appear weak or vulnerable. But, God can use struggles and trials to grow and change you if follow His leading.
It is important that you know that God has equipped you to walk through struggles, and you should not be consumed by them!
Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.
Lamentations 3:22 NKJV
Struggles and trials are common to everyone. I’ve been in difficult situations many times in my life. I’ve learned that these struggles and trials are teaching you something you wouldn’t learn without them. God can teach you things like:
Patience
Perseverance
Perspective
and more!
These struggles and trials are making you stronger! My husband and daughter recently went on a cross-country motorcycle trip. From the outside, it looked like an amazing trip. The reality is that they faced all kinds of storms and winds along the way. In pursuit of their dream, they endured incredible trials and struggles. God took them on unexpected detours that allowed them to experience the most beautiful places, but it wasn’t easy.
Struggles and trials force you to your knees, not to crush you, but to make you look to the Lord. In your weakness, God’s strength is made known. Struggles and trials change you. You will come through a struggle or trial differently than when you entered. Your faith will grow. Your resilience will increase. Your attitude will improve. Think about grandparents. Why are grandparents typically easier on grandkids than they were on you? They learned everything isn’t the battle we think.
How will you look at your next difficult circumstance? Will you learn to love struggles and trials?
