How does your child think? How do they process the world around them? If you have multiple children as I do, you have probably seen that one child can be extremely different from another child in your family. This is because each of your children is uniquely created by God!
This is episode eleven of a series I’ve been doing on my book, Parenting Beyond the Rules. From the beginning of parenting, I wanted to know how my kids tick and what ticks them off. We have already talked about how the goal is to reach the finish line with your relationships with your children intact. You want them to know that you are their greatest cheerleader and that you are trustworthy. Part of that process is to help each child find how they were uniquely created and this requires a lot of observation on your part.
Expansionists vs Reductionists
Children are expansionists. They are explorers and adventurers. They see the world as full of possibilities. Kids wonder what if and what’s next. You as an adult have likely become a reductionist over the years. Sadly, you’ve learned that the big ideas and plans don’t always work out. You don’t dream big dreams in the same way you used to, you don’t try new things, and you’ve stopped being as adventurous.
We have to fight this reductionist tendency in our own lives for the sake of our kids! It’s up to us to breathe life and adventure into our kids. You have to walk with them to discover the person God made them to be and keep that natural wonder from being pulled out of them by the world.
Doing Life as a Family
To do life together as a family, you have to know each other well and celebrate how each member of the family is different. Your kids also need to understand that no child is better than another because of their gifts, or lack of a particular gift. Create an environment where they know: you are celebrated for who you are, the gifts you’ve been given, and the wins you experience, but you will never be canceled for screwing up. As a parent, you should never compare one child’s strength to another child’s lack of a strength.
Personality vs Character
It’s important to first recognize the difference between personality and character. Character is shaped over time. It includes things like learning not to lie or cheat or steal. Personality on the other hand is how God has hardwired you. These are your child’s natural tendencies. Some are peacemakers while others might be achievers, and others are influencers. If you watch your kids carefully, you’ll see these natural tendencies coming out in their actions.
What is a Strength?
We want to set up our children to succeed at that which they’re good at. You as the parent need to help your child discover their strengths. A strength is something that is natural and top of mind for your child. They can do that thing near perfect, over and over again, like it’s second nature. A strength becomes a strength when knowledge and skill are added. You can be really good at something and have no interest in it, so that’s not a strength. When you start paying attention to your kids and really become a student of them, you will see these little things and the picture will unfold before you of who your child is uniquely created to be.
Assessments
I strongly suggested that you put together a notebook on each of your kids. Keep notes about things you see in them. Save personality type assessment results in this notebook too. Here are a few assessments to consider as you study your child:
Strengths Explorer – for Middle School age
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Myers-Briggs Assessment – for older children and adults
As we finish this series on Parenting Beyond the Rules, I want to remind you that your kids need rules, limits, and boundaries, but as they grow and change, these guardrails also need to adjust. There’s freedom in pivoting! You will have to pivot over and over again as your child passes through various life stages. Pray and ask God to give you wisdom and discernment to point your kids in the right direction as you learn more about how God uniquely created each of your children.
Ever have that desire to jump into the car for a very long drive… ALONE? Or feel the need to take a long walk by yourself rather than deal with another teenage drama or toddler meltdown? As a mom of 5, I know the feeling. But, you can’t quit. Take a break, but remember it’s always too soon to quit. Your kids need you to stay engaged! Yes, even those teens who act like they don’t need you at times, they need you too!
This is episode ten of a series I’ve been doing on my book, Parenting Beyond the Rules. Friend, we are in a fight for our families and for relationships with our kids. You can’t check out mentally, emotionally, or physically. You don’t have the luxury of telling them to come back when they are 18 or 25.
How To Stay Engaged
Parenting is hard. You have to communicate with your kids. I talked about this in part seven of this series when we looked at how to listen to your child. Develop and use those skills to show your child that you’re listening to them.
Constantly ask yourself: Who do my kids need me to be? What do my kids need from me? They always need you to give unconditional love. They certainly need you to walk with them, giving wisdom and compassion along the way. They need you to be steadfast. This means being unwavering, devoted, committed, disciplined, perseverant, and diligent. Your kids need to be able to trust that you will be there for them.
Mending Broken Relationships
What if the relationship is broken with one of your kids? You can take steps to repair broken relationships with your kids. This comes through forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration. Don’t give up!
No End Date on Parenting
Some moms and dads act as if there’s an end date on this parenting gig. When the kids hit the golden age of 18, it’s over and the kids are now adults. The job is over. My husband and I have never had this mindset. We’ve instead had a more multigenerational mindset about parenting. We were open to having our parents living with us if they reached a point where they needed us to care for them. Our door is also open to any of our kids to come home if they fall on hard times. Our kids know that this is what it means to be Albers.
Time Flies
Parenting your children is a season that doesn’t last long. For me, it was motivating to think that I can only do this particular day once. When it’s over, it’s over. Remember that every single day, you have the opportunity to leave an imprint on your child’s heart. They will someday turn those imprints around as they parent your grandchildren.
Each child is unique. We’re not churning kids off an assembly line! You probably feel like there’s not enough of you to keep up with all of the demands, but stay engaged. Your kids need trust, respect, reliability, and care. If you don’t stand up and meet those needs, someone else will fill that void. You are raising kids who will step into the world and fulfill the assignment that God has given to them. Along the way, you are forging a relationship with your child that will stand the test of time.
We have been gripped by fear for the last several years. The pandemic and waves of uncertainty hit us on top of the more common day-to-day fears. But, God says there’s no place for fear in our lives! He tells us not to fear because He is with us (Isaiah 41:10). Do you believe that? Are you ready to squash fear?
In this ninth episode of the series we’ve been doing on my book Parenting Beyond the Rules, I want to show you how to squash the fear in your life so it no longer paralyzes you.
Fear keeps us from speaking up when we know we must have a conversation. We don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings or be rejected or be embarrassed. You can let that fear paralyze you or motivate you. It’s a legitimate concern that you could harm a relationship.
In order to squash fear, there’s a groundwork that needs to be laid. That’s why this chapter comes so later in Parenting Beyond the Rules. You need to know how to listen, how to monitor your mouth, give your kids a vision, and handle tough topics before you can really tackle fear.
How to Squash the Fear
Squash fear in your life by doing these things:
Identify the Fear: What are you afraid of? That your kids will rebel or reject you? Something else? Name what that fear is for you.
Remove the Fear: In 1 John 4:18, we find that God’s perfect love casts out all fear. No matter how much there is to get wrong, there’s a lot you can get right and that starts with prayer and time in the Word.
Embrace Freedom: Rest in the truth that God has created you and given you the ability to parent the child He’s given to you.
6 Ways to Respond
How can you respond to a sticky parenting situation that causes fear to arise in you? Remember these 6 things:
Don’t overreact when a situation presents itself.
Separate the act from the child.
Don’t take offense.
Maintain self-control.
Don’t shame your child publically.
Remember that your child is still learning.
God equips you to raise your kids! Remember that He’s the architect. Consult Scripture and be discerning with the information that you take in from other sources.
How many times have you said something and then wished you hadn’t said those words? Have you reacted to something your child did without thinking, and in the process, you snapped at them? The power of your words can be a tool or a weapon.
This is the eighth episode in a series on my book, Parenting Beyond the Rules. Last week we talked about learning to listen and this week I want to pivot to monitoring your mouth. The power of words can be used to build up or tear down. Neutrality isn’t really an option. And, the power of words doesn’t end with your kids. This applies to your spouse, friends, and coworkers as well.
Top of Mind
Living from top of mind to straight out of the mouth is not a healthy way to live. Just because you have a thought doesn’t necessarily mean that it needs to be expressed. You need a filter for your mouth! This means being mindful of what you say and being gracious.
Tone of Voice
It’s not always what we say that is the problem. It is how you say something that can make all the difference in the world. Pause and think about the person who will be hearing you before you speak. How will they hear what you have to say? This gives you time to rephrase what you have to say with the right words and tone.
Breathe Life
Getting your kids to talk to you can take great effort, especially if there’s a wall between the two of you. They might fear that you will make fun of or mock them. There may be a trust issue. I’m sure that’s not your intention to tear them down, but sometimes your words come across with the exact opposite force of your intent. Picture breathing life into your child. With all of the criticizing voices out there today, you want your child to know that you are for them when they hear your voice. Some kids are more sensitive than others. What you say to one child may bounce right off of them, while another child can be crushed by the same words.
Children Speak Like Children
When they are young, your children will speak like children. As your children grow, foolishness is replaced by wisdom. They gain knowledge and maturity. This process really begins to take hold around the teenage years, but it’s a gradual development. Affirm your child when you see this growth in their words and actions. This shows your child that they are a valuable part of your family and they belong.
How to Use the Power of Words
How can you start communicating well with your kids?
First, don’t speak from a place of anger. It’s hard to undo the damage that you cause with your words. Allow yourself time to settle before teaching, rebuking, or having that tough conversation.
Second, be free from distractions. Put the phones down! Look into each other’s eyes while you’re talking.
Next, don’t be accusatory. There’s probably another side to the story that you’re not aware of. Give up the fact-finding missions and interrogations. Your goal should be to uncover the underlying reason for what happened or what is currently going on with your child.
Finally, focus on what your child needs from the conversation.
Tender-Hearted vs Strong-Minded Kids
Your strong-minded kids are likely to be our future leaders. They need guidance. They want to be understood. Your more passive, tender-hearted kids need more gentleness. In either case, you’re not going to handle things right with them all of the time. Be quick to admit when you’ve messed up and ask them for forgiveness.
This path of clear communication and using the power of words wisely doesn’t end when your kids turn 18. Hopefully, by the time you have adult children, you will have had lots of practice in monitoring your mouth and can be quick to ask for forgiveness when your words come out in a way that you don’t intend. The goal is to resolve conflicts and create rich, lasting relationships with your kids.
I’ve worked with kids from little ones to college kids for over 30 years. The number one complaint I hear from parents is: “My kids don’t talk to me!” On the other side, the number one complaint I hear from kids is: “My parents don’t listen to me!” You want our kids to talk to you, but do you know how to listen to your child?
In this seventh episode in a series on Parenting Beyond the Rules, I am sharing steps to improve how you listen to your child. The focus is on you as the parent and how you can be a better listener for your child. Listening will show your child that you are trustworthy and available to them.
Be fully present. Nothing is worse than trying to talk to someone and they are trying to multitask. I know you can’t always drop everything to listen. In those cases, be honest about when you can be available and then follow through on that time. If you ask your child to wait five minutes, make sure you’re ready for them in five minutes. Set a timer on your phone if you have to. You are building trust when you follow through on your word.
Ask how much time is needed. When you ask your child if this is a quick thing that they want to share or whether this is a more in-depth conversation that you need to block out more time for in your schedule, it can show that you care and are interested in them.
Be an active listener. Even if you’re talking with your child over something like dinner prep, make sure they know you’re listening. Make eye contact. Ask questions.
Show interest in their friends and activities. When you show interest in their friends, your child will feel valued. They want to know that what matters to them also matters to you.
Use the routine questions to segue into the deeper topics. Ease into the deeper conversations. Meaningful conversations usually start with seemingly unimportant questions and segue into more important topics that are weighing on your child’s mind and heart.
Find the time. Listening requires time. You just have to find the time. If you’re always busy or preoccupied, your child will go to someone else. I don’t know about you, but I at least want to be on the list of the top 5 people (preferably higher!) that my child goes to for wisdom and counsel. That requires time.
Be slow to talk. Make sure that your child, especially an adult child, actually wants your advice before you start giving it. Don’t get offended if your child doesn’t want your advice. Some kids need a safe place to discuss what’s bouncing around in their heads. Some kids are external processors. Then they will go back and think. You can ask leading questions to help them process without giving them the answers or forcing them to come to a conclusion or plan right away.
Watch your reactions. Don’t overreact when your child comes to you, especially when they come with something shocking. Control your mouth and your body language. Ask the Lord to give you the wisdom to have this self-control and to know when it is ok to interject.
When your kids know that you’re available and that you believe in them, they will keep returning to you to talk. It’s a long process to build this trust and come to this kind of relationship with your child. We have two ears and one mouth; so, we should be doing twice as much listening as we do talking. When you treat your child with this kind of respect, you are modeling good listening to them so they can also become better listeners.
Have you ever felt like you’re trying so hard but you’re losing the battle to talk to your kids? First, I want to tell you that is a defeatist mindset and I invite you to change the way that you look at the situation. There are things you can do! Second, there are so many forces out there who are against you and trying to speak into your child’s life. Don’t give up! You have to learn how to understand your child’s world and have the hard conversations in order to develop a strong relationship with your child.
In this sixth episode in a series about Parenting Beyond the Rules, I want to give you some suggestions for how to understand your child’s world. Here are some things that you can do and pay attention to:
Understand that children don’t know what is normal. Their brains are maturing and their hormones are raging. You as the adult have way more miles in life and a lot more experience.
Learn to see life from your child’s lens. A child is a sponge that soaks up everything. Anything is possible to them. Keep yourself from constantly telling them that they are wrong and their ideas won’t work. Give them a chance to learn and makes mistakes rather than jumping straight to being the reality checker.
Teach your kids to be others aware. We are naturally self-aware and a little selfish. Help your kids see how their actions might hurt another person.
Observe what your kids say and think. Don’t be quick to pounce on them when their words come out unfiltered. Take time to get to the root of what they said and why. Help them process what’s in their hearts.
Be their biggest cheerleader. You are there to listen and walk beside them rather than dictate to them.
Keep your finger on the pulse of their friends. Have a home where the kids want to hang out so you can see how your kids interact with other kids, but also what their friends are like. You’ll have the opportunity to help your child correct their behavior as well as see which kids might be a poor influence on your kids.
Listen to your gut. I tell my kids that I’m not going to catch everything that they do, but God knows their actions. Sometimes God gives also gives you as the parent intuition and nudges from the Holy Spirit to know that something is not right with your kids. Follow that.
Don’t marginalize, criticize, or minimize. Don’t let the first thing you do be to criticize your kids. Correction has a time and a place. Take time to step into their shoes and listen. Find times and places to have deep conversations, but be sure to ask God for wisdom.
Pay attention to your child’s body language. Are they having mood swings? Are they eating well? Are they sleeping well? Is there something else going on that might be contributing to your child having a rough day?
Encourage your kids. You could leave them notes or send them text messages. Remember that your job as a parent doesn’t end once your child becomes an adult. Your role just changes. Continue to speak life to them. Show them that you believe in them, you trust them, and you respect them.
Talk to your kids about your family values. What makes your child unique and special to your family? What does your family stand for?
I hope you found these suggestions for how to understand your child’s world helpful. Which one will you start implementing first?
