The holidays can be hectic. There are plays, parties, and gatherings, as well as decorating, shopping, and wrapping. What do you do around the holidays that are unique and repeated traditions for your family? The importance of family traditions comes out over time in the building of strong family relationships and connectedness.
When I was growing up, my family didn’t have many traditions beyond going to my grandparents’ house for the holidays. I quickly learned that, in comparison, my husband’s family has so many little things that they do as a family around the holidays. These were expected events that everyone, as much as possible, showed up to participate in each year.
Family traditions do not need to be extravagant and expensive. Simple, budget-friendly traditions are where kids grow to love and appreciate them.
The Why Behind Traditions
When you start new traditions, keep these things in mind:
Make it fun
Make sure the children know why your family values traditions
Talk about how memorable it will be
Ideas for Traditions
Here are some ideas for things that you establish as traditions in your family.
Service
Start a tradition of a service project such as:
Wrapping gifts
Doing a toy drive
Serving the homeless
Shopping for gift for families going through a rough season
Spend time with someone at a senoir center
These types of activities help your kids focus on something outside of themselves. It doesn’t have to be the exact same service project every year. Maybe you just have a tradition of participating in some kind of service project around the holidays.
Arts and Crafts
These types of traditions don’t have to be complicated or expensive.
Make baked goods
Decorate cookies or gingerbread houses
Create ornaments
Make other crafts
Just be intentional. Your kids won’t forget that. Even the busts like burning the bread could become funny memories for future conversations.
Sentimental and Gratitude
Try one of these ideas with your kids to help them see the reason for the season and show gratitude to others.
Write letters to each other expressing thanks, gratitude, or what they see in another person
Give special ornaments
Do an advent reading together
Start an ugly sweater party or white elephant exchange
As your kids get older, let them take a lead and plan some of the traditions too. You never know what creative and memorable ideas your kids might come up with!
“You’re writing little stories on their heart to let them know that they belong to this family.”
Connie Albers
Whether you’re celebrating the 4th of July, Easter, birthdays, anniversaries, or Christmas, take time to think about the traditions that you want to establish for your family. As you do, remember the why. The goal is a strong family relationship and connectedness. You’re creating a place where your children can thrive, grow, and fit in for a lifetime.
Fox 35 Orlando: Family Holiday Traditions
Watch Connie on Fox 35 Orlando as she talks more about family holiday traditions.
Mentors are important and play a special role in our lives. Unfortunately, it is far too easy for mentors to replace mothers, or fathers, in a child’s life. God has given parents a special calling and responsibility that mentors cannot replace in the life of a teen or young adult. What do you do when the mentor-mentee relationship lines have been blurred to the point that the mentee sees the mentor as an authority above the parent?
The Mentor
When I was first starting to mentor teens, I quickly found times where a teen was listening to me more than they were listening to their moms. She’d say something like, “I can’t talk to my mom like I can talk to you.” Red flag! Warning! Be sure to explore issues like this with your mentees when they arise. As a mentor, you have the responsibility to go deeper and get to the heart of the matter. The ultimate goal is for the mentee to live life with their parents.
Here are two important things to keep in mind as a mentor:
Always be mindful of the parent behind the child.
Remember that you’re not getting the full picture of the dynamics within the home.
If you’re a mentor, be mindful of your influence. Always direct the mentee back to their parents. It’s an honor to be used by God to mentor others, but don’t ever allow yourself to replace the parent. That is a sacred God-given place reserved for the mother and father. Help the mentee see that you don’t have the final authority that their parent has. It can also be helpful to show the mentee how they might be contributing to the angst in the relationship. Give her tools to help rebuild the relationship with the parents.
“Don’t allow yourself to be a mentor that replaces a mother.”
Connie Albers
The Mother
Are you a mother who has been replaced by a mentor in the life of a child? First, you have to avoid mocking, marginalizing, ridiculing, or besmirching. It is difficult to hear your child say, “Coach says I need to do this…” when you’ve been saying the same thing for years! If you are not kind towards the person who has influence in your child’s life, they will put up more of a wall between the two of you.
If you’re been replaced by a mentor, pursue the heart of your child! Your next best steps are:
Listen
Pray
Interject where you can when asked
Sometimes mentors are just around for a season. A coach can push your child in a way that you can’t. So, get to know that person. Keep your heart from becoming resentful towards the person trying to help your child navigate life. Mentors have their place in the lives of your children. At the same time, don’t go to the mentor and “out” your child either. Instead, pray that the mentor would see the situation clearly.
Mentors, please remember that there is a parent on the other end behind that child you’re mentoring. If you’re the mom who has been pushed out, ask God to heal the relationship, keep your heart tender, and be thankful that someone is pouring truth into your child.
Your older children are facing a world with so much chaos and conflicting information. If you’re like me, you want them to know what you think. You want to protect them from failure or pain. But whether your older children are teens, college-aged, young adults, or older, there comes a point when you can’t make them do or say the right thing. You can’t force them to navigate a situation well. These older children are now adults, or close to being adults. It’s a new season and you need to learn how to give advice to older children.
My mom used to regularly say that she was going to give someone a piece of her mind. I used to silently (and not so silently at times) think that no one wants a piece of her mind! When your older children are in a difficult situation and you have opinions, it’s so easy to jump right to giving them a piece of your mind. But, there’s a better way!
First, let me encourage you with this. If you’ve been pouring God’s principles into your kids, that wisdom is still all inside of them. It can be painful to watch an older child not listen or seem to not listen to those years of guidance. Rest assured that the phrases you’ve said repeatedly and things you’ve taught them are inside their brains and hearts. Those things will come back to them in times of need.
Let the words you speak land in a tender place in their heart.
Connie Albers
There’s a better way to give advice to your older kids than to give them an unsolicited piece of your mind.
Wait for Them to Ask for Advice
I know that you desperately want your older kids to know what you think, but wait until they ask. Show them respect by restraining your mouth. Know the child you’re speaking to, regardless of their age. Give them a chance to learn to be a problem-solver. They need space to develop discernment. Sadly for us as the parent, this means watching our kids make some poor decisions as they learn these skills.
Ask If They’d Like Your Advice
Before you dish out that piece of your mind, pause and ask if your older child would like to know what you’re thinking. This also requires discernment on your part for good timing. When your older child is no longer living under your roof, gauging the best timing becomes more difficult. You must hold your thoughts for the right time. If necessary, write your thoughts down in a journal and hold them there until the time is right to share.
When the time is right to ask for permission to speak into a situation in your child’s life, try phrases like:
Would you like to know what I’m thinking about…?
Would you like to know how I’d encourage you in…?
Would you like to know some things to consider about…?
Would like like to hear a different perspective on…?
If you don’t ask permission first, your words are less likely to land in that tender place in their hearts and will instead be rejected. Timing is crucial to being heard. Wait for your kids to ask. If you can’t wait, then ask for permission to give your advice.
Pray for Your Older Children
Be fervent in praying for your older children. Pray for things like:
Protection
Discernment
Guidance
Someone who can say what you’d like to say
Be a sounding board for your older children. Let them know you’re praying for them. They need to know that you’re there for them. The fair-weather friends will disappear. Cancel culture will try to shut them down. But, I as your parent… I will always be here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.
I’ve walked through this season of life with my teens, my college-aged kids, and my young adult children. I assure you, it is possible to lead your children without saying a word. When they do invite you into their lives to share your thoughts and advice, handle that trust with care. Your long-term goal is to create rich, lasting relationships with your kids.
Do you have kids who say things like this: “Mom, you just don’t understand. You’re always on my back. You constantly criticize and tell me what I do wrong.” I want you to know that there is a way to build a relationship with your kids while enforcing the rules of your household. The key is to teach the principle behind the rules.
Your kids may think that you’re not accepting them the way they have been created when you require them to do something like clean their rooms. So, what do you do with the kid who says he’s not wired to be neat? They don’t always understand at first that we are trying to teach them to live a life that has order, rhythm, and routine. I’m not saying that we should be striving for perfection or pushing our kids to perfection. If you could see my office/studio, you’d see my piles and stacks you’d know that’s not my point. But I know what is in those stacks and where to find what I need. There is still an order to life. There’s a principle behind the rules.
Teach the Principles
We need to teach our kids the principles behind the rules we have in place in our homes. This is so important, maybe even more so today, because many times, kids don’t have a voice. They have little control, and it’s exhausting for them. But you can use principles innovatively to reach the end goals.
I know. You’re exhausted, too. All of the teaching and training combined with current world chaos. You’re being told to be more hands-off by society. They say to just let your kids do whatever they are going to do. I know you’re working and trying to manage your home, but I implore you not to just leave them be. Don’t leave these important tasks of raising your kids to the government or the public schools. Find the balance for each of your children in how much to say, when to say it, and maybe even more importantly how you say it.
A word of caution: Your kids won’t always appreciate what you are doing for them right now. Parenting is often a thankless job. Your kids are not likely to come back, even years from now, with gushing words to express their gratitude for how you raised them. But trust me, as they grow older, they will start to recognize and appreciate what you’ve done for them.
Tips for Enforcing Rules
There are some simple things you can incorporate into enforcing the rules of your home:
Stop making things a battle.
Don’t make it about control.
Look for the principle behind the rules.
Offer to Help
When my kids were instructed to do a task like their laundry, I would often offer to help. Offering help can sometimes be misconstrued as criticism. Look for ways to ask others for help, too. Make a deal or trade with your child. I’d often offer to help with their laundry and, in exchange, see if they’d help me with dinner. Flip the criticism of their work into getting the job done while protecting the relationship. You’ll find that the cooperation level increases. (By the way, this applies to business and marriage, as well as parenting teens and adult children!)
How You Say Things
Think about how you’d like to be spoken to. Would you like to be criticized with harsh words at every turn? Focus instead on the principle behind the rule or goal you’re trying to achieve. These goals might be:
Learning how to build a team that does things together
Preparing for the day when the child leaves home
Living together in peace and harmony
Focusing on the principle lessens the blow of criticism. Look through the lens of others; seek to understand their perspective. Don’t let things turn into a battle of the wills!
There aren’t 3 easy steps to carrying this out in real life, but here are some helpful strategies to keep in mind:
Know the child you’re talking to.
How does this child receive your words?
Be clear on what it is you’re trying to help them learn.
Remember: the principle is the underlying why. Why do we keep our room clean? Because we need to be mindful of others who live in our homes. For the rest of their lives, we want our children to consider others above themselves. There should be a healthy level of guilt when you don’t treat someone else right. To be clear, this is not the same as making a child feel guilty if they do something by accident.
Be Quick to Apologize
If you’ve done something wrong, admit it. Ask your child for forgiveness. Apologizing doesn’t allow your child to walk all over you; rather, it actually makes them respect you more.
Repetition
You can’t just say something one time. You will have to repeat yourself – likely many times. Repetition is how we all learn.
Foster Family Identity
We do it like this. Always bring the rules back to the why. I’d tell my kids: We are the Albers and this is the way we do it. But there was more to it than that. It was about identity and being a part of a family.
I used to think that parenting teenagers was the hardest season, but now I can say that parenting adult children is on a whole different level. They do things you don’t like and there is little you can do about it. You have to pray and watch them walk through things. And then you have to pray again. Adhering to a set of rules isn’t really the goal. The goal is maturity, deeper relationships, and living in harmony as a family unit.
Strive for Clarity
Make sure that your kids understand you. Follow your instructions with phrases like this:
Does that make sense?
Is that clear?
Would you consider what I’m saying?
These are the things that invite your children into a deeper relationship. It strengthens the bond between you and them in a world that is trying to pull you apart. Take time to explain why. Explain that when you don’t wash the dishes in the evening, it makes more work in the morning before we can start breakfast.
Learning from Mistakes
My mom helped me see the principle behind the rules when I was a teen. I had started a business, and along the way, I learned I was too trusting and needed to be more discerning in business. I lost some money because of it. My mom didn’t belittle or shame me. She didn’t try to rescue me either. She said that she was sure that would never happen to me again. And it never did. She gave me the opportunity to lose a little money but learn a much larger lesson.
The Long Game
There is an end time coming when your children will no longer be living with you. We want them to remember the why. We want them to remember:
This is why we do ____?
We do this because ____?
Because this is our family, we ____?
This is how we treat others ____?
We want our kids to see the impact that they have on others. Your goal needs to be building relationships. When you develop and cultivate relationships with your kids, you are less likely to see pushback from them. And you might even find that your messier kids become a little neater when they are responsible for their own homes and navigating life with a roommate or spouse because they understand the why.
Keep focusing on the principles – the whys – behind the rules.
What should you do when you have a rebellious child? When your child pulls away from you? When your adult child is estranged from you? We don’t openly talk about these kinds of struggles or share these heartbreaking experiences readily on social media. The picture of life can become blurry during these kinds of painful seasons, but there are things that you can do. Let’s talk about the possibilities!
Living with Rebellious Child or an Estranged Adult Child
I say frequently that rules minus relationship equals rebellion. I wrote in Parenting Beyond the Rules about how you have to go beyond the rules. You have to be willing to pivot and adjust. There’s freedom in the pivot! Rules don’t always mean rebellion and having a great relationship doesn’t keep your child from having a mood swing!
I remember my parents’ divorce. I was just 11 years old when my dad told me that he was leaving and that it was all my mother’s fault. Processing that with all of the information that I had and could understand as a child, I became very angry with my mother. The problem is that an 11 year old doesn’t know how to process that. If you know my story, you know I love my mom dearly. Over the years, I let many career opportunities pass by so that I could take care of my mom until her passing a few years ago. Sadly, there was a lot of ugly in the in between years.
There is a raw kind of pain deep in a mom’s heart surrounding rebellious children. If you tried to articulate it, you’d choke up and become speechless. Words cannot express the pain you feel. I’ve sat with many moms in this messy middle. Maybe you’re in these in between years? You have a rebellious child. A child who is sneaky or lies. A child who is estranged. A young adult child who doesn’t respond to texts, doesn’t come around to celebrate the holidays, or doesn’t send a birthday card. You are not alone!
If you have a child and a relationship like this, you likely want to chase after this child like the prodigal son. But, don’t forget the ones who are still at home and doing life with you like your spouse and other children. Despite the hurt, you have to remember to keep showing up for the ones who still present and asking to spend time with you. Letting go seems hard to do. It’s like a death of sorts. It carries so much guilt and so many unspoken words. But you do have to find a way to carry on for the rest of the family.
I’ve written a lot about the challenges of parenting teenagers. I had no idea how hard it would be when they became adults. Everything changes. Your focus needs to be working on the parent you want your child to get to know. So many times, children create a narrative; some of it is real while other parts are not. The story they hear or tell themselves can become etched in their hearts when they put up a wall. They think it is to protect them from you, but it keeps them from seeing the real you. Your heart. Your love. Your devotion over the years.
The Gift of Time
“There is a gift of time, but you aren’t the controller of the time clock.”
Connie Albers
Time can be a great healer. I can’t tell you how much time is required. Maybe it will just be a year, but it might take 5 or 10 years or more. Here are some things that you can do along the way:
Don’t dwell on the situation. Be sure to focus on the children who do want to be near you.
Guard your heart against bitterness, anger, and resentment.
Bitterness will hurt you and the others living with you more than the wayward child.
Anger will cause you to do and say things that you regret.
Resentment keeps you from having an open heart.
Don’t withdraw or isolate yourself. Find a friend or support group or ministry you can connect with. We are made for relationships! When a relationship is broken, so is our heart.
Don’t expect your friends who aren’t walking this journey to understand. They simply can’t understand. Some things can only be understood after the fact.
Moving Forward
Here are some practical reminders and steps forward:
Stay kind.
Stay full of hope.
Believe the Lord is still at work.
Be faithful to show love when or if you are around that child.
Remember that God can restore what was lost.
Remember that God cares about your relationship with your child.
“Keep working on the parent you want your child to know.”
Connie Albers
If you’re trying to figure out how to live with a rebellious child or an estranged adult child, ask God for opportunities to rewrite the story. He can restore, redeem, and make things new.
Tom and I did a lot over the years to cultivate close sibling relationships within our family. I hear frequently that this is an issue of importance and concern for you as you raise your kids. You want to build strong sibling relationships between your kids. So, what do you want to see for your relationship with your kids when they become adults? What do you want to see in the relationships between your children when they become adults? Let’s talk about how you can build a strong foundation starting now to achieve that vision.
Throughout the day we spend a lot of time settling arguments and soothing hurt feelings between the kids, don’t we? Someone did something to someone… again.
“Mom! So and so looked at me funny.”
“Mom! So and so broke my lego set.”
“Mom! Why does he always get to stay up late?”
Sometimes it’s an endless list of offenses, isn’t it? By the end of the day mom falls into bed worn down and worn out. Maybe she’s even begging the Lord to please make the kids stop fighting and start getting along. I bet that happens in your family too. If you have several kids, the amount time spent being a peacemaker or referee can quickly add up.
The truth is that teaching your children to love and honor and accept each other for who God made them to be is necessary to the future of your family. I believe God established the family unit to not only bring Him glory but to help us live a life of togetherness.
You probably already spend countless hours investing in your child:
Reading
Playing
Teaching
Going to church
Reading God’s Word
What more can you do?
Relationships, Relationships, Relationships
You want to build a strong family. You want what’s best for your family. It’s going pretty well until maybe around middle school or high school or college and then you might find these relationship related things are becoming a little harder.
People often ask me about my kids and our relationships. How are the relationships now that they are adults? How did we get there? Well, it is important to know first that how we live life has changed over the years. This is something I write about in Parenting Beyond the Rules. The schedules and routines we clung to when the kids were little, like nap times and bedtimes, shifted when we hit new seasons like high school. I suggest not becoming perplexed when what used to work stops working. There is a natural shifting and changing that takes place over time. Let God lead you in how to change these things as you and your children grow and change.
I don’t think when I was a younger mom there were as many self-proclaimed experts telling me what to do, but I was still careful of who I let give me advice in those days. Back then, I would sometimes get down thinking about how imperfect our family was or how I wished things could be better. That’s the internal drive I have towards ideal. The problem is that’s not realistic. What is realistic is that we have to cultivate that which we want. We have to put in the effort it takes to guard and protect and nurture those sibling relationships. Then we must be willing to adjust along the way.
Richard Plass and James Cofield wrote in The Relational Soul (page 12): “We are designed for and defined by our relationships.” Think about that for a minute. You are designed for relationships. First with God, then with others. Next, you are defined by your relationships. First with God, then with others. Being designed for relationships with others starts within your home with the imperfect people God chose for you to do life with.
“We were born with a relentless longing to participate in the lives of others… We cannot not be relational.”
The Relational Soul – Plass and Cofield
How to Build Sibling Relationships
We must nurture trust with and between our children. They need to know that your family is safe. This is a safe place to be you. Here are some ways that you can do that:
Don’t allow your children to poke, make fun of, or shame their siblings for their weaknesses.
Listen to learn why a child struggles with another sibling.
Don’t allow your kids to compare between each other.
Ask leading questions
Don’t let joking cross the line to making fun of a sibling.
Remind each child they are part of something larger – the family!
Trust is the key to building the relationships that hold your family together. It takes sincerity, reliability, competence, and care every step of the way.
