Parents are rightly concerned about technology. Unfortunately, devices are often the source of disagreements, threats, and angry outbursts in many families. Kids don’t understand the dangers, and parents don’t know how to navigate online usage. What do you need to know for raising tech-savvy kids?
In March of 2020, the number of hours children spent online drastically increased. Most kids didn’t have a choice. They had to do school virtually, which meant more tech time. And because every activity was canceled, kids needed to “do” something because they couldn’t go out the way they were accustomed to. At first, they were shocked by all the disruption, and parents found themselves letting their children spend way more time than they’d ever allowed before. But now, parents are revisiting their children’s digital usage.
Is technology bad? Is the Internet safe? The simple answer to both questions is no. Technology isn’t bad; it’s neutral. It only does what it’s programmed to do. And the Internet isn’t safe, but that doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t learn how to use the Internet wisely.
In this episode, we’ll focus on two points every parent must consider so that they can raise tech-savvy children who know how to use these powerful tools skillfully.
Know Your Child
Not every child will respond in the same way to using technology. Some children have better things to do with their time than be online constantly using social media or watching videos. If they need to go online, they do what they need to do and go on with their day.
However, other children can’t get enough screen time. They are eager to learn more and find ways to connect with more friends. Some get lured into websites they never intended to visit because they click on a few links out of curiosity. Whatever their reason for wanting to be online is, there is never enough time for them. They struggle with turning off their devices. They genuinely fear missing something if they aren’t checked in somewhere.
Part of parenting is to know our children and help them understand how they are wired. I promise that what works for one child is unlikely to work for another child. This is because they are unique and have an internal driver that makes them do what they do.
The best way to teach your children how to be tech-savvy is to walk alongside them while they live under your roof. Too many times, parents miss this opportunity to teach time management, self-control, proper tech usage, and God’s principles regarding having an online platform. Another option we have as parents is to teach them what to do if they misuse apps, links, or social media platforms.
Social media is a tool that many use for good. Unfortunately, it can also be a weapon used to hurt or harm someone. The online culture changed dramatically in 2020-2021. Our kids need more help than ever in knowing how to use any platform wisely.
When you know your children, you can speak the truth so they will understand because you know them and care about their future.
You get to help them learn how to shine a positive light on others. You can help them learn how to refrain from the temptations.
Be the parent your children can come to if they get exposed to something online. But first, you have to have the type of relationship where your children know you won’t overreact before knowing the circumstances.
Another way we can teach our children to be tech-savvy is to consider why they want to surf the net.
Consider Why Your Child Wants to Post
Have you seen the movie The Social Dilemma? If you haven’t, I encourage you to watch it first alone and then with your children—if they are old enough to comprehend the message.
Knowing why your child wants to use technology or the Internet is valuable information. It helps your family make wiser decisions. I’ve talked to Google and Facebook sales reps at various conventions and was surprised to learn they don’t allow their children to use YouTube or social media until they’re older. Even then, they place restrictions on where they go, what they post, how much time they spend, and how mature their child is before giving them permission. They know that even with all the parental controls and devices, children can still be at risk.
Whatever you decide for your family, be assured that others will disagree with you. I’ve seen friendships end because they don’t see eye to eye. It would be best if you let your children in a manner that is right for them, not because you might get questioned by others. Know your why and share that with care and clarity. Keep in mind, most of your friends and family want what’s best for your child too.
God wants us to teach and train our children. If not you, then who will? This is a phrase I told myself many times. If I don’t teach my children, others will, and I don’t know what those others will teach my kids.
Teach them to be wise and discerning. Share things that can be uplifting and inspiring. It’s our job to teach them to use technology for God’s glory. Then, we can slowly allow our children to use these tools with precision while avoiding the pitfalls.
In next week’s episode, I’ll continue the conversation on raising tech-savvy kids.
Does God want us to honor our parents? Or is that only for children?
Honoring Parents: Young and Old
The answer is yes! We need to honor our parents as we teach our children to honor us. The best way to teach your children to honor you is by example. When they see us honor our parents, they learn what honor means.
So, what does honor mean? Honoring and respecting our parents means that we have a high regard for them. We love and appreciate them and are concerned about their well-being. We treat them with courtesy and thoughtful consideration. We seek to understand them better.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Ephesians 6:1-3
Do we have to honor if we disagree with our parents? While we might disagree on things, yes, we can still honor our parents.
Is there a time you stop honoring your parents? No! God instructs Christians to keep honoring their parents even when they are adults.
“Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and do not forsake your mother’s teaching; Indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head and ornaments about your neck.”
Proverbs 1:8-9
God wants us to listen to our parents. We can learn a lot by listening to their sage advice. Of course, we aren’t required to do as they say, but there is no harm in hearing their thoughts.
God works through imperfections. If your parents weren’t perfect, I encourage you to forgive them. Ask the Lord for wisdom to love them despite their shortcomings.
God knows mistakes will be made and provides a way for us to handle them. We can learn from what we’ve done wrong, apologize, and move forward.
God will bless you when you choose to honor your parents. This truth needs to be taught to our children by our example.
God promises you will be blessed when you show honor to your parents.
I have a challenge for you: Find ways that you can show honor to your parents. What can you do to show honor? How can you teach your children to honor you as their parents? When you think about it, we show honor in three ways: what we say, what we do, and how we act. You show honor to others through your words, actions, and body language.
Three Ways to Show Honor to Parents
Words: It’s the simple things: saying thank you, giving a word of encouragement, and affirming them in what they are doing.
Actions: Invite your parents over. Asking for their advice or input when deciding on an important matter isn’t a sign of weakness or incompetence. Help them with tasks they might need assistance with doing yard work, or deep cleaning, or taking them to the doctor. Or spend time listening to them talk about their day.
Body language. We often think we only show honor through our words and deeds, but another way to show honor is through our body language. This means not showing displeasure through your tone of voice or facial expressions. Our parents may be older, but they still can sense when someone is annoyed or irritated with them. Learn to control your body language, communicate love, and strengthen your relationship with your parents.
The more you practice honoring your parents, the easier it becomes. Remember, honor comes from the heart! If your parents have passed away, you can still show them honor by the way you speak about their life.
Don’t forget: When you fall short, you can always apologize and try again!
Ask the Lord to allow you to see through your parents’ eyes. Ask the Lord to reveal any heart issues you might be harboring against your parents or that your child might have against you. Ask him to help you pay careful attention to your body language. Commit to honoring your parents!
Are your school-aged kids at risk? How will this back-and-forth schooling impact our kids? First, the back-and-forth disrupts children’s rhythm and routine. They don’t know what to expect when things change from day to day. Some children can roll with the ebbs and flows with great ease, but the disruption throws them off for other children. So, what can you do as a parent to keep your kids from being at risk?
Children thrive on routine and consistency. But, unfortunately, the back-and-forth of schools opening and closing can harm children, especially when parents must work full-time. But there are ways to help your children and their friends navigate the back-and-forth so they don’t get behind.
Supplemental work
Giving a child supplemental work can be helpful to reinforce skills previously taught. Elementary students will benefit from hands-on learning. Cooking, playing, and making crafts are fun ways to apply what they have learned. Middle and high school students can benefit from worksheets that help them practice math and English concepts.
Avoid Talking Negatively
It is wise to avoid talking negatively about what’s happening. Some children won’t react well and can get quite upset. By being careful of what we say in front of our children and what they hear from well-meaning adults, our children are more likely to stay calm.
Should Parents Hover?
It’s important for parents not to view their desire to help their children as hovering. Instead, think of it as helping your children make academic progress by coming alongside them. Parents can offer critical feedback as well as identify when a child starts to struggle.
Set Expectations
Setting expectations can help your children continue to make forward progress. But we do want to make sure those expectations are realistic. Look for progress that is commensurate with their ability. Try not to compare siblings or allow online educators to compare your child with others in the course.
Children do need to understand they are caught in the middle of this back-and-forth. Parents need to remember that children can get frustrated by not having a say in anything right now.
There are ways to incentivize our kids to stay on track so they aren’t at risk!
Be positive about their day. Kids need reassurance that it’s all going to be OK.
Monitor your environment. Children feed off their surrounding environment.
Tell your children the plans for the next day on the night before. You can talk about the next day at dinner or during bedtime.
Remind them in the morning of your conversation the previous night.
Keep some consistent routines. Wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed.
Give children a reason to follow your instructions. Kids love rewards.
Whether your children are being impacted directly, they can still get caught in the back-and-forth of what is happening and their education. However, your wise counsel and discerning spirit can keep your children from being at risk.
Parents, you have the opportunity to shape and create memorable moments your children will think about for years. A few years ago, I read The Power of Moments by Chip Heath and Dan Heath. If you’ve read Parenting Beyond the Rules, then you know I write about how we can create defining moments with our children. I was doing this when my children were young, which is why I enjoyed reading the book. It affirmed much of what I believed about memory-making. I knew childhood memories were important. I also knew most of my childhood memories were ones I did not want to remember. Actually, there are very few childhood memories I care to remember. That is why I became so passionate about creating memorable moments with my family.
What do I mean by creating defining moments? It is something intentional that we do. It’s paying attention to the things your child does or says and positively commenting on them. Creating a memorable moment isn’t something we ignore and hope they remember. Instead, we can help focus positive attention on the event they are experiencing.
Shaping your children’s memories isn’t an attempt to write the story you want but to bring awareness to a positive moment, they will reflect on later in life.
“Memory believes before remembering begins.”
William Faulkner
Think about that for a moment. Memory believes before knowing remembers. Your kids will draw off the memories you help them create today, the good and the bad. So, naturally, we want our kids to think back on their childhood with fondness.
Creating Memorable Moments
We make memories every day. Some are lasting, and others are forgotten. So, if we are constantly making memories, how can we create memorable moments that our children will dwell on?
Memories come in a variety of ways. In this episode, I discuss three ways you can create defining moments.
Traditions
The memories associated with traditions will help your children focus on things they do that bring them joy and delight. Traditions can also make your child feel strong or proud of themselves. Children thrive when they have a bank of positive memories to look back on.
Traditions are the repeated activities a family or group of people do together to create shared meaning about such interactions. For example, birthday celebrations, group camping trips, holiday gatherings, or reaching a milestone are a few of the traditions we can establish to create memorable moments.
Repeated actions can be ordinary actions that deepen the shared experience to increase meaning.
Rituals
Rituals are religious or solemn ceremonies consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order. They can be added to a tradition to enhance its meaning further. They might include praying together before meals or at bedtime, taking flowers to a friend who is not feeling well, or going around the room and saying something positive about the person next to them.
One ritual we had was to stop and pray for the people involved in an accident. My kids still pray for others when they see an accident on the side of the road. This simple act made an impression on them. It didn’t cost anything, but it did make them consider what others might be going through.
Family Tasks
Creating memorable moments can happen by performing tasks that make a family run smoothly. They feel part of something greater than themselves. By assigning tasks to each member of the family, children quickly learn that they are needed. Cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry, and working in the yard are all ways our kids express themselves.
I’ll never forget when my oldest child decided to eat a worm while we were raking the leaves. He wanted to get a reaction from his siblings. They didn’t disappoint. We were all grossed out. We still laugh about that. Some of your children are like that, too. They will do things when everyone is working on a task to make others laugh or get attention.
When you assign tasks to your children, it is critical to observe attitudes and ask why they do or don’t enjoy their tasks. You will get more cooperation from them if they know you are interested and willing to adjust the assignment based on their feedback.
Family tasks do more than provide an opportunity to create defining moments; they teach your children valuable skills they will use later in life.
It does take some preplanning on your part, but your efforts will pay off when your children are older. They will not understand all the work you put into creating events or planning family gatherings while they are young, but think long-term. So what will they remember about the season of life they are living in right now?
Traditions, rituals, and family tasks can be a catalyst for meaningful and positive memories. You can ensure the memories they access are rich and vivid and, frankly, easy to think of as a mom and a dad. The ability to create those defining moments serves as a transmitter of meaning.
I want to encourage you to start today, whatever your children’s ages, to be intentional about creating defining moments they will, one day, share and reflect on. Instead of thinking about all the difficult situations they had to overcome, they’ll think about the family activities that added joy to their childhood.
You can learn so much about your children from playtime. Playtime for children can be more revealing about who they are than talking or even watching them in a vocation as they get older.
The Need for Playtime for Children and Adults
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
-Plato
When there is no test to pass and no educator to please, God-given strengths can flourish through playtime. So, as parents, it’s important to remember not to confuse an interest that your child has in something with a strength that remains through life.
Helping children pursue interests is not about pushing them to be their best at something or jumping into something you think is a natural fit for them.
The best way to lead your children in the process of discovery is through observation.
When you pay attention to your child’s interests, their strengths start to emerge. So, ask questions, listen, and watch what they wonder about. Children are full of surprises.
Play Can Lead to Interest
Play is very positive. It opens the mind to a world of possibilities, allowing new thoughts and behaviors to be formed.
Encourage your children to try new experiences. For example, playing a new game or sport or meeting new friends can lead to discovering interests they didn’t know existed.
5 Ways You Can Help Your Child:
Help them step out of their comfort zone
Encourage without pushing
Plant seeds of possibilities
Tell them about ‘what if’ outcomes
Give them a reason or benefit for trying something new.
Watch, Don’t Control
Try not to spend your child’s playtime controlling everything they do. Instead, allow this time to be spent observing their behavior and actions. You can learn a lot through watching them.
Create Time for Exploration, Experimentation, Innovation, and Creativity
As parents, we must balance allowing children to discover interests and restricting choices. Of course, children need to learn social norms and obey the rules, but sadly, there’s a great deal of pressure on children to compete and conform, and little time is spent encouraging the joys of exploration, innovation, and discovery as it pertains to cultivating your child’s strengths.
Help Them Learn from Failed Attempts
Some children are risk-takers, and some children are afraid to take risks. I know some kids who naturally view failure as part of trying; therefore, they don’t get discouraged when one of their great ideas doesn’t pan out. Instead, that optimistic child sees life as a great adventure with a few pitfalls along the way. While other more competitive children don’t want to do anything unless they are reasonably confident will bring success.
Knowing how your children think about stepping into uncharted territory will help you construct the proper scenario to help them learn how to work through not winning, being successful, or failing.
You know that your kids are watching you, right? They are watching and learning from you how to communicate from the time they are little and well past the teen years into young adulthood.
Last week we finished up the series Knowing Your Strengths. We spent four episodes talking about what strengths are, how to discover your strengths, understanding your strengths, and how to use your strengths. You can listen to that conversation in episodes 71, 73, 73, and 74. That series then made me think a little more about how strengths tie into my life now and a recent situation. I needed to talk with one of my daughters and we needed to be able to speak face to face, eye to eye. So I sent a text to set up the meeting.
Your Kids Are Watching You
Before I tell you the whole story, you need to know that your kids are watching you. Maybe your child is two years old and pointing at everything while listening to you play the label game. As they get older they are watching how you handle the difficult situations and how you treat people. They pick up on even the little inconsistencies in your life. Your teens then think that what you allow for yourself is also ok for them.
The key observation here is that the words you choose are critical. How are your words going into the ears of the listener? Knowing your strengths helps you figure out how to navigate these circumstances. They are tools that give you the ability to communicate better.
See, I know my daughter and how she is best communicated with. I sent a text asking to get together to do something active and have a talk. I needed to have this conversation with my daughter. It was a hard conversation about heart issues. My heart issues!
Say It Like It Is… Or Not?
Maybe you think: I just say it like it is. In the mind, out the mouth. Well, that’s not always wise. We need to have some filters on our mouths. Some people need to warm up to what we have to say. Some people like to get right to the heart of the matter without all the chit-chat. You need to know which kind of person you’re talking to.
Would my words draw conversation out of her or put up a wall? Inflection, tone, and directness all play into how the conversation could go. In the end, the conversation with my daughter was great, but that was because I was aware of the words I was using.
Shore Up the Relationship with Your Teen
If you have a teen, now is the perfect time to shore up your relationship with them. The dynamics and influence you have will change as they grow up and move out into the world. Set the foundation now! Your kids are watching how you respond to the daily challenges of your life. How do you handle conflict? How do you handle disruptions? Will your teen choose to model what they see in you? Will they invite you into their lives as young adults?
In our conversation, my daughter made the observation that I always need to be productive. That’s one of the strengths that I have in the striving domain. I am very productive. I don’t sit well and do nothing. She said to me that sometimes she just needed me to sit and be present with her. That hit me hard. She was watching. She picked up on a place in my life that I still wrestle with.
Productive But Present
A few things to ponder:
It’s ok to be productive, but you have to be present.
It’s ok to be out leading a group or a business, but you have to make sure you’re present for your kids.
Make sure that you’re spending time in your purpose. Is this thing you’re doing the purpose to which God has called you?
Be mindful.
Watch your body language.
Are you responding with kindness, love, and unconditionality?
Are you encouraging others?
Every day brings new challenges and opportunities. As your children grow, so do you. Things are always changing and you may feel like you’re running out of time. My conversation with my daughter showed me the fruit of all of the all work and prayers I put in over the years.
In your productivity, stay present and actively engaged. Take time to speak in a way that your spouse, your kids, your coworkers, and others can hear.
