I was recently asked to do a news segment responding to a story about how a twelve-year-old and their friend snuck out of the house and drove four hundred miles to meet up with someone they’d met online. Sadly the age for children engaging in risky and dangerous behavior online is trending younger and younger. As a parent, how can you keep your kids safe online? What do you do when you find that your child is having secret chats online?
You need to take a position of balance between fear and caution. Even if you’re a tech-savvy parent, your kids probably know how to get around your efforts. Kids want to be affirmed, appreciated, and noticed so some are easily loured in by predators online. Your child just wants to have fun, but the bad people on the other side of the computer have honed their skills of deception.
Teach Your Kids to Make Wise Choices Now
The goal is for your kids to learn how to use technology and social media well while they are still under your roof. Then when they go out into the world with unmonitored access, they’ve already learned to have good boundaries and make wise choices. How do you set boundaries and teach your kids to make wise choices?
Establish Open and Honest Communication
The first step in this process is to establish open and honest communication with your tweens and teens. Discuss online safety. Remind them over and over again about these issues of tech and safety.
Set Clear Expectations
Next, set clear expectations. Set rules for technology and social media usage. Decide what’s allowed and what’s not allowed. Set time boundaries. Above all else, take time to explain the why behind the rules and boundaries.
Use parental controls
Use parental control options available to you. Set the rules, but use these tools to put guardrails in place. You have to follow up and monitor the rules that you put into place. Block and restrict content as needed. Check your child’s browser history. It’s your job to protect your kids! If you’re less tech-savvy, find tutorials online for how to use various settings.
Monitor Social Media Sites
Be sure to monitor social media sites and your child’s social media profiles. See who they are following. Watch what their friends are posting. Be sure to find a balance between checking and hovering.
Talk to Other Parents
Take time to talk to other parents. Find out about tools and methods they are using to keep their kids safe. What are they struggling with? Keep in mind that your kids are more likely to tell you what a friend did than to share the bad thing that they did themselves.
Tools for Monitoring Online Activity
There are a lot of tools out there for monitoring your child’s online activity. A couple we’ve looked at are Bark and Net Nanny. There are many more services available to choose from and more coming on the market every day. Be aware that some of these tools are using AI to determine when to alert you. You’ll need to decide where to balance privacy and the use of AI to protect your kids.
What To Do About Secret Chats Online
Don’t be afraid to talk to your kids about these topics. Ask them questions. Make sure they know you love them. Talk about the what-if scenarios. Role-play these things out. Remind them not to give out personal info.
But what if your child is already found themselves in trouble? Always watch and observe. Be aware of any secrecy and let that clue you into a problem. If you find that something has happened and your child is having secret chats online consider these next steps:
Breathe
Ask God for discernment and words specific for that child
Don’t overreact
Parents, stay engaged! Ask your kids about their online conversations. Make sure that your kids know that you’re on their side. Give them the guidance needed now so that when they leave your home they can navigate the online world with confidence as an adult.
The other day I was back in the Fox 35 Orlando studios to talk on air about another parenting topic. This time we were discussing kids and credit cards. Of course, a 3-5 minute morning TV segment gives little time to dig into the issue, so in this episode, I’m unpacking more of the conversations that need to be had and what to consider when your kid wants a credit card or debit card.
I think it is important to have these conversations with our kids rather than throwing out blanket approvals or denials. Each child even within your one family is different and may need different boundaries. There is not a set age at which getting a credit or debit card is right or wrong.
Why Does Your Child Want a Credit Card?
When your child wants a credit card, take time to find out why. What is their reasoning? You might be surprised! The reasons could be things like:
Peer pressure
No one takes cash
Concern about losing cash
Don’t feel safe carrying cash
My best advice for you is to refrain from rolling your eyes or quickly shooting down your child’s replies. Be slow to answer. Your job as the parent is to build a long last relationship through which you are teaching your child to be a responsible adult. Your child needs to learn to manage money, budget, save, and spend with your guidance.
How to Decide if Your Child Should Have a Credit Card
There are three main things to consider when deciding whether your child is ready for a credit (or debit) card.
What is their age and maturity level?
What is their understanding of money?
Does their responsibility level match their request?
After evaluating these things, you need to have a conversation about what works best for your family. Involve your spouse and other family members as needed. This is not just about what is best for your child. The final decision has to be a good fit for the entire family as well as your family goals and values.
Teaching Your Child About Money Management
In order to responsibly use a credit or debit card, your child needs to understand money management. Walk them through things like:
What an itemized credit card or bank statement looks like
How to budget
What needs to be paid at the end of a billing cycle
How interest works
How late fees work
What overdraft fees are
Paying minimum required payments vs paying off the full balance each month
Take time to show them one of your own credit card or bank statements to whatever detail you’re comfortable. Get out a calculator and have them run the numbers so they understand what might happen in various scenarios, interest rates, payment options, and overdraft fees.
Credit or Debit and Services for Kids
There are a lof of options out there these days to choose from when giving your child their first access to a credit or debit card. You’ll need to evaluate each to determine if they are a good fit for your family.
Will you choose a credit card or a debit card?
Are you trying to build credit?
Are you trying to avoid overdraft fees?
Are you willing to pay a monthly fee?
Do you want extra features like rewards or allowances built into the system?
Is a simple student account at a local bank a better option?
If your child is asking for a credit or debit card, task them with some of this research. What option do they think is best?
What If Trouble Comes with Using a Credit Card?
Remember that you are teaching your child in an environment where they can fail forward. Try a system and if it doesn’t work out, change the system rather than pulling all access. If your child misuses their credit or debit card, refrain from taking everything away. Keep the lines of communication open and encourage them to contact you first if they feel they need to make a charge outside of the usual approved purchases. Be tracking your child as needed, but not micromanaging. But, in the end, if the credit or debit card system is not working, look at other options as a family.
Start these conversation about money early and have them often. Help your child see you as a guide on this journey. Work together towards this goal of gaining financial wisdom and put them on surefooting as an adult for managing their own money.
In the last episode, we discussed the pros and cons of sleepovers. Rather than making a blanket decision, I encouraged you to look deeper into the goals of your family and how sleepovers can fit or do not fit into those plans. This week I want to dig deeper into hosting sleepovers. What should you ask the host family? What can you do as the host home for a sleepover?
I was recently on Fox 35 Orlando to talk about the pros and cons of sleepovers. It’s hard to have an in-depth discussion on a topic like this in four minutes!
If you’ve decided that your family allows sleepovers or you handle the requests on a case-by-case basis, think about how to best talk to the host to get the information you need to make a good decision. Think about the questions and concerns that you may be asked as the host home of a sleepover.
Questions to Ask About Hosting Sleepovers
Here are some questions you can ask about sleepovers or be prepared to answer:
Who is going to be attending?
How many kids are attending?
Will the parents be there?
Are there additional guests staying with the family?
Is this an adult party for which kids were told to invite their friends?
Is this just a kids’ hangout?
The answers to these questions change the potential dynamics of the gathering. Adult parties are more likely to have alcohol accessible. A kids’ Friday night hang-out with a handful of close friends at the home of long-time family friends is going to have a different atmosphere.
What About Safety at Sleepovers?
The number one concern about sleepovers is usually about safety. This takes many faces. In my Fox 35 segment, the topic of gun safety came up. How do you handle this topic? Honestly, you just have to ask. You don’t have to interrogate the family. Just be nice and express your concern for safety without making assumptions. Try to stay neutral and not come across as judgemental. Are firearms stored in a safe and kept unloaded?
Go over these safety concerns with your kids about guns, alcohol, and drugs. Prepare them for how to respond if presented with these things and how to get ahold of you if needed. Consider having a numeric code or code word that your child can text or say when they call you to alert you to come to get them out of the situation if needed. Does your child feel mature enough to handle these situations? Are you prepared to be respectful, non-judgemental, and empathic toward your kids if you’re asked to come to get them?
Communication Surrounding Sleepovers
Communication is key in handling sleepovers!
If you have to say no to a sleepover, be honest with your kids to whatever extent your child can understand or needs to know. Be prepared to have the tough conversations with your kids if they are broken-hearted because you must tell them no they cannot attend a particular sleepover. Be sure to remind your kids that they can use you as an excuse for not being able to go to a sleepover if needed.
For our family, we chose to host sleepovers more often than attend sleepovers at another home. I knew I wouldn’t get much sleep and I’d be on the couch all night near where the kids were to monitor what was going on. I welcomed any parents to come over or call to ask questions.
Open and honest communication is the foundation you’re trying to build with your kids. Create a safe and transparent environment where your kids and their friends can express how they feel, what has happened, or what their concerns are. They need to know that they can trust you!
Pray about what is best for your kids and your family. There is no one right or wrong way to handle sleepovers!
Do you allow your kids to participate in sleepovers? I’m personally not a fan of blanket directives because each family is unique. You have to make a decision about what is best for your family based on the pros and cons of having sleepovers.
I was recently on Fox 35 Orlando to talk about the pros and cons of sleepovers. It’s hard to have an in-depth discussion on a topic like this in four minutes, so I’d like to dig in a little deeper here on the podcast with you.
Did you go to sleepovers when you were a kid? If you did, what happened at those sleepovers? There was likely a lot of talking about other people, eating sugar, and staying up all night. Maybe you did things you probably shouldn’t do along the way. Maybe your experiences make you say never to sleepovers. Maybe you had great experiences with sleepovers that you want your kids to have as well.
Pros of Sleepovers
Here are some pros of participating in sleepovers:
Social development in an unstructured, relaxed environment
Cultivation of independence in your child
Creation of defining, lasting memories and friendships
Space to learn to make good decisions and problem solve
Building trust with parents and friends
Cons of Sleepovers
What about the cons of sleepovers? There are downsides such as:
Possibility for bullying
Shattering of trust
Inappropriate behavior
Exposure to drugs and alcohol
Sleep deprivation and its results or consequences
Disruption of routines
Exclusion of some children
Is There a Middle Ground on Sleepovers for Your Family?
Before you choose to take an always-or-never stance on sleepovers, I challenge you to think outside the box and see if there’s another path that might work for your family. It’s important to know your children. It’s critical to have good communication. If you choose to allow or host sleepovers, know and communicate what you expect of your kids and those participating.
In the Albers’ family, we were generally not pro going to other homes for sleepovers. Some of this had to do with our family size and dynamics. I couldn’t have five kids running to five different places. Because my kids’ extracurricular activities, we were also often busy on the weekends making a Friday night sleepover difficult to participate in those activities the rest of the weekend. We built a life that was busy or full to meet the goals and needs of our family. Sleepovers didn’t naturally fit into that plan for us most of the time.
Here are some additional things to consider to help you decide if sleepovers are good for your family:
Why are you opposed to or hesitant to let your child attend sleepovers?
Is there a legitimate concern for your child?
Is this is a declaration that your friends have made?
Did you have a bad experience with sleepovers?
Do you know everybody who will be there?
Will the parents be home?
How many kids are expected to attend?
Is this a party or a time to hang out with close friends?
Ask your child why they want to go.
Ask questions to gauge whether your kid can stand up to peer pressure and awkward situations.
Open, honest communication is the key to all of this. Be sure to take the time to explain the responsibility and the dangers that come with sleepovers, wherever your family decides to land on the subject.
Join me in the next episode where we will dive a little deeper into the topic of hosting sleepovers!
Do you have a prodigal child? Are you desperate to guide your prodigal home? Laine Lawson Craft has lived this story with her three children. Now she’s committed to sharing their testimony and showing parents how to fight the spiritual battle to guide their prodigals back home again.
In this episode, Laine and I talk about:
How your kids are being attacked for their destiny
The number one thing that a parent (or anyone can do) for a child
What is a prodigal?
Staying in the game with your adult kids
How guiding your prodigal home is a long-term commitment
Dealing with discouragement
How to handle backsliding
How one touch of God can change everything
About Laine Lawson Craft
Laine is dauntlessly committed to guiding parents of teens and young adults to win back their prodigal children.
She partners with prodigal parents so that they find a proven battle plan and strategies to guide them to know that they are not in a war with their child but in a war with the enemy trying to destroy them; they will learn how to have authority over the battles, and how to pray for victory for their prodigal.
With over fifteen years of working with amazing people with similar hurts and spiritual warfare and guiding them to achieve remarkable success, her mission and commitment are to give you insights and revelations into how the darkness of our world operates, build your hope, and give tried-and-true tools and applications that will bring your prodigal home.
Her path to writing this life-transforming battle plan became clear after she fought hell for her children, and her family was healed and won.
Laine is an award-winning, best-selling author, popular media host, and in-demand speaker.
She has been married to Steve, her husband, for over thirty-five years, and she loves spending time with her two sons, only daughter, daughter-in-love, and son-in-love.
Do you have kids who resist your instructions? You tell them to do something and they don’t do it. You beg. You lecture. You try to explain why. But, they don’t do what you say or they simply ignore you. Why do children resist instructions?
5 Reasons Why Children Resist Instruction
In this episode, we’re digging into why children resist instructions. There are five reasons you might be experiencing this resistance. Let’s dig into them!
Communication Breakdown
Sometimes, there’s a communication breakdown. Maybe your child feels ignored or dismissed or misunderstood. Kids are trying their best to communicate how they feel and think but their communication skills might be underdeveloped or maybe they are afraid you will overreact. When we don’t get to the heart of the matter, resentment can start brewing. When we don’t deal with this resentment it can lead to more resistance and then rejection.
Power Struggles
Another reason kids resist our instruction is because of power struggles. Your child might feel like you’re trying to control them or take away their freedom. As your kids grow, it’s natural for them to make more of the decisions in their life. You might see this as rebellion. Honestly, neither of you is thinking right about the situation and better communication is needed.
Need to Make Decisions
As your kids get older you have to give them more ability to make decisions and give input. At certain ages and with certain temperaments, if you try to push without explaining why or having a feeling of trust. You have to give your kids the time and space to work things out. Ask them how they would handle things even if you think there’s a better way and let them try or explain why they must follow through on your instruction in this instance.
Differing Priorities
Another reason children resist instruction is differing priorities. Your attention is captivated by all the things that need to be done, while your child might have another focus. You have a feeling of responsibility that is at a level that your child lacks depending on age and maturity. Maybe you’re expecting more of them than they are capable of at this time.
Lack of Understanding
Finally, there’s a lack of understanding. Your child might not understand the reason behind your instruction. This leads to confusion and frustration, which brings on disobedience and resistance. They need to see why doing this thing matters.
Parenting for the Future
Remember that you’re not parenting for the here and now. The things you’re teaching and reinforcing now are the habits and patterns that will follow your kids for a lifetime. Take time to understand your child’s perspective, have reasonable expectations, and give choices when possible. God has given you the skills, the tools, and the resources to be able to teach your specific child so that they respond to your instructions. Ask God to lead you!
