When members of the family live in close proximity and spend a lot of time together, there is bound to be tension in relationships at times. As a parent, you can see those nudges, unkind words, and rolled eyes. You can feel that tension between siblings. You can feel the distance that is growing between the siblings in your family. How do you go about mending fractured sibling relationships?
When I notice these fractured sibling relationships, here’s the process I follow for my next steps:
The first thing I do is take it to the Lord in prayer. I ask him what He wants me to do and what my role should be.
Next, I talk to my husband and/or trusted people in my life who know my kids well for advice.
Then, I observe and write down my observations.
Finally, I take action based on my first three steps. This may be action that I need to take or hand that responsibility over to a family member better suited to address the situation.
My husband and I have instilled into our children that they cannot leave a fractured relationship. Unspoken hurts and broken trust cannot be swept under the rug. We want peace and harmony but that requires doing the hard work of addressing conflicts and tensions. Not addressing sibling conflict is not an option!
How to Talk to Each Sibling
Here are some things to remember and consider when talking to each sibling involved in the conflict:
Make sure your child knows they can trust you.
Not addressing it is not an option.
Delaying to pray when needed is appropriate.
Be slow to speak.
Ask questions.
Don’t be accusatory.
Let your child know you’ve been observing and noticing them.
Pray with your child.
Give your child a hug and kiss.
Tell your child you love them.
Reassure your child that you’re going to work through this with them.
Handling Oblivious Children
Some kids will be an open book and share things with you easily. Some kids don’t have a clue that anything is wrong! What do you do with oblivious children who have no idea they are causing a problem? Here are some points to bring up and ways to talk to them:
Ask if they’ve noticed the issue.
Talk through the circumstances.
Acknowledge that they might not be aware that there’s a problem.
Explain how a sibling may see things differently.
Keep it simple and refrain from restating your point over and over again.
Talk about creating different patterns of behavior that would reduce the tension.
We want to do life together. We want our kids to live in harmony with their siblings. Mending fractured sibling relationships and addressing these conflicts when they are young is an important part of raising your children to have strong sibling relationships well into adulthood.
When you set goals, do you set goals for and with your kids? In this episode, I want to talk with you about how you can help your kids set and keep goals. I have gathered together some general goal-setting advice as well as ways to support your kids in their goals. I also have some examples of goals that kids can set.
Goal Setting for Kids
It is important to involve children in the goal-setting process and to help them understand that goals are things we work towards over time. Here are a few tips for talking to kids about making goals:
Make it age-appropriate: Tailor the goal-setting conversation to your child’s age and maturity level. For younger children, it may be helpful to focus on short-term goals, such as completing a task or learning a new skill. Older children may be ready to set longer-term goals.
Involve them in the process: Help your child identify their interests and passions and encourage them to set meaningful and relevant goals.
Be supportive: Encourage your child to set challenging but achievable goals. Offer support and encouragement as they work towards their goals.
Help them track their progress: Whether through a chart or a simple checklist, help your child keep track of their progress toward their goals. Seeing their progress can help them stay motivated.
Celebrate their successes: When your child reaches a goal, celebrate their accomplishment and encourage them to set a new goal.
Overall, it’s important to approach goal-setting as a positive, empowering process that helps children develop important skills and confidence.
Supporting Your Kids with Their Goals
Here are a few suggestions for how to help kids start the new year off on the right foot:
Set SMART goals: Think about what you want to accomplish in the new year and plan how to achieve those goals. Make your goals specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound.
Make a schedule: Having a schedule can help you stay organized and ensure that you are making time for the things that are important to you.
Take care of themselves: Make sure to prioritize self-care, such as getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and eating a healthy diet.
Reflect on the past year: Take some time to think about what went well for you in the past year and what you could have done differently. This can help you identify areas for improvement and plan how to achieve your goals in the new year.
Seek support: Surround yourself with supportive people who can help you stay motivated and accountable as you work towards your goals.
Overall, the key to a successful new year is to have a clear plan and to take consistent, deliberate action toward your goals.
Practical Goal Examples for Kids
Here are some practical examples to help your kids reach their goals:
Set a goal to read a certain number of books over a specific time period: Encourage your child to set a goal to read a certain number of books in a month or a year. You can help them choose books appropriate for their age and interests and track their progress with a reading chart.
Set a goal to learn a new skill: Encourage your child to set a goal to learn a new skill, such as playing a musical instrument or learning a new sport. Help them identify the steps needed to reach their goal and provide support.
Set a goal to improve their grades: If your child is struggling in a particular subject, help them set a goal to improve their grades. Work with them to develop a plan for how they will achieve this goal, such as seeking extra help from a tutor or teacher.
Set a goal to save money: Encourage your child to set a goal to save a certain amount of money by a specific date. This can help them learn about budgeting and saving and can also help them develop important money management skills.
Set a goal to help others: Encourage your child to set a goal to do something kind for someone else, such as volunteering their time or raising money for a good cause. This can help them develop empathy and a sense of purpose.
What goals are your kids working on? How are you going to help your kids set and keep their goals?
Our family has a wonderful announcement to share with the world! My son recently won an Emmy for cinematography for his part in a documentary called Challenge Accepted about a young girl named Faith-Christina. Every child is different, but I want to share with you some ways in which we went about raising a creative child who went on to win an Emmy.
This is the beginning of a series of episodes about raising different kinds of kids to adulthood and preparing them for their desired careers. In this episode, I’m going to share the journey of raising a creative child who became a videographer and ended up winning an Emmy.
There’s no right way to walk this path, but there are good practices and wise choices. I can share through what I know about Strengths Finders and personalities some of how and why we did what we did.
The Early Years
We noticed early on that my son had an affinity to make movies. He loved to read novels and do his writing assignments about making movies or related topics. This led to me encouraging him to start writing his own scripts. We got him a video camera and he started making his own movies. I’d help scout locations and his siblings and friends would be his actors. We’d gather costumes from our closets and thrift stores. And then he’d go out and shoot these movies.
High School
This bent for filmmaking brought with it related interests. My son started doing sound for our church. He joined a band and dig some gigs with his friends. But, everything he did was in the creative realm and brought him back to filmmaking and being behind the camera. I began to plant seeds of career paths such as having his own videography business or production studio.
Overcoming Adversity
Right about the time that my son was applying to college and competitive degree programs, our house was hit by lightning. His computer was fried and along with it, his whole portfolio of creative work. This was in the days before he knew to back up his files and before we had so many options for keeping multiple backup copies of files. His dream of going to film school was shattered. He pressed on and got some degrees in cinematography but more importantly, he kept working in the field.
Working with Others
We encouraged him to learn from others but give more than he takes. Tell good stories. Make good videos. Put in the hard work even when no one is watching. He ended up starting his own videography business. It was tough because as a small business owner, he had to put in a lot of hours covering all the different roles from sound to filming to editing to directing. He worked other jobs as needed to make ends meet while pursuing his dream.
The Results
After 12 years of working hard in his field, my son was ready to step in when his name was called. He had put in the hard work. He was faithful. He had integrity. So when there was an opening to work with this team on Challenge Accepted, he was invited to join them and ready to put in the work.
Important Lessons
Here are some important life lessons learned along the way:
You don’t have to participate the way the world tells you that you have to compete to get ahead.
Raise your children to be masters at their skill so their work stands out from the rest.
Don’t go along to get along if it means compromising your values.
Be watchful observers of your children. What do they spend their time doing when they don’t have to be doing it? Encourage and support those bents and interests. Maybe they’ll win an Emmy someday. Maybe they will send a rocket to Mars. Maybe they will change culture.
A friend recently suggested to me that I should talk to you about how God answers our prayers and specifically prayers of protection for our kids. Praying for your children is an important part of the spiritual development of your kids and for you as a parent.
I have a child who is a natural risk-taker. Do you have one of those? This momma I was talking to recently experienced a situation with a son who had been part of an accident, but his involvement or condition was unknown for a period of time. There’s just nothing that will drive a momma to her knees faster than something happening to her child! Those kinds of situations change us and remind us that God is in control.
Prayer is Action
Brooke McGlothlin at Million Praying Moms often says that the most effective thing you can do as a parent is to pray. Praying is doing something! Pray for your children consistently, not just when they are acting up or acting out, but regularly. If you don’t pray for your children, you’re missing out on deep communion with God and the testimony of being able to tell your child that you’re praying for them.
I’ve spent a good amount of time in the hospital lately between the birth of my second grandchild and supporting a family member in the hospital. One day I was in the waiting room area and met a mom whose toddler was going into organ failure. I felt overwhelmed as I listened to her story. I felt like I couldn’t take another another thing. But I could pray, and that’s exactly what I did for the momma.
I don’t know what your year has been like and I don’t know exactly what your future holds, but God does. Whatever your situation, ask God to give you some margin to enter into someone else’s hard place with them. Ask him to help you see the importance of praying with and for your children.
Pray Consistently
God cares for your children and he cares for you. He wants what is best for them, but sometimes that includes hard lessons. If you have a risk taking child like I had, you’re probably more likely to be praying for that child, but don’t forget your more compliant or less communicative kids too. Make a practice of praying for protection over your kids and praying consistently for them in general.
I pray that like the momma who suggested that I talk to your about praying today, that you’ll see God’s protection over your children and answered prayers.
In the United States, this is a week when we pause to be thankful and consider thankfulness. But, appreciation goes much deeper than thankfulness. In this episode, I want to discuss teaching appreciation to your kids.
Everyone wants to feel loved and valued, but appreciation goes deeper into the heart of a person. Teaching appreciation to kids actually begins with mom and dad. It starts with your example. This may come more easily to some of you but be more difficult for others. Catch your kids doing good things and then go beyond just saying thank you. Find your children doing little things and show them appreciation.
It’s important that you put your appreciation into words and actions that your child will hear and understand. Dr. Gary Chapman’s books are a great resource on this topic in addition to past episodes I’ve done on strengths and siblings. Ask the Lord to reveal to you how your children think, feel, and behave. How do they process the world around them? Use this knowledge to communicate appreciation to your kids.
When we neglect to do these kinds of these and train our kids with these examples over and over again, we end up with adults who don’t know how to be thankful and think everything is owed to them. But Scripture tells us that we are to value others more highly than ourselves. We are to seek to serve. Explain these ideas to your kids, not in a negative way, but in a way that makes them really think and ponder these things.
This episode has plenty of practical examples and scenarios about how you can put this into action to teach appreciation to your kids!
In the episode last week, I talked about resting vs quitting. So many of you contacted me asking about kids who have a tendency to give up on something too soon. How do you go about teaching kids not to quit?
It’s really important to know each of your children as individuals. There tend to be a few basic reasons that kids want to quit and the way you go about helping and encouraging kids is very different.
There are kids who don’t have the words to express their frustration. They don’t have the works they need to articulate themselves and they tend to storm off.
Other kids just don’t even try because they are afraid of failing. These kids tend to be perfectionistic and that is paralyzing to these kids.
But there are also kids who avoid conflict and disharmony. For this type of children, they are trying to avoid the disapproving looks
Do you know which type of child you are dealing with?
How To Teach Your Child Not to Quit
It’s important as parents to help develop in our kids the character quality of perservence. but each of these three types of kids are going to need slightly different help, attention, and words to overcome the desire to quit.
Each of your children is uniquely created by a Master designer who fearfully and wonderfully made them. Consider some of these things as you determine how to best encourage and come alongside your child.
You need to look at them as one of a kind.
Watch your words and avoid pat answers.
Sometimes a pause is needed to consider and think about something.
Sometimes more maturity is needed before pressing through on a particular task or activity.
Set realistic expectations for the child.
Remind your kids that they are growing up, but not yet grown up.
Reassure your kids that you struggle with these issues at times too.
Encourage your child to try new things.
Learn the strengths and weakness of each of your children.
Help your child take their thoughts captive.
Remind your child to do their best rather than strive for perfect.
Each of your children is different, but you are just the parent they need to become who God has created them to be!
