When you have a baby, there is unimaginable joy. It’s hard to understand how much a mom or dad loves their child. But, we have to be careful to not put conditions on that love as they grow older. There are hindrances that can pop up to giving your kids unconditional love.
Hindrances to Unconditional Love
There are four hindrances to giving your kids unconditional love that can completely derail your relationships:
Unmet expectations – This might be in the form of your needs you feel like your child should meet or performance metrics that your child isn’t living up to.
Fear of rejection or rebellion – Don’t let the fear of being pushed away keep you from loving your kids.
Not knowing your children – Learn how each of your children best receives love. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a great resource for discovering your child’s preferences for receiving love.
Your past relationship with your parents – It’s easy to follow in the footsteps of our parents’ parenting style. If you didn’t have a good relationship with your parents, you still have the opportunity to change your legacy.
Kids want the affirmation of their parents. If they don’t get that affirmation from you, they will look for it somewhere else. We all have a deep need to be loved and receive love. Ask the Lord where He wants you to change so you can better give unconditional love to your children.
My father-in-law is an architect. Years ago, when my kids were little, I was in his office looking at the artwork on the walls. It was a collection of buildings that he had designed. One, in particular, caught my eye. It was a building designed on the side of a mountain with metal posts going into the ground. As I talked to him about it, I learned about foundations and what it takes to know how to build in a situation like this. His answer: the soil. You have to know the soil. It’s the same with your kids. To build a strong foundation of relationship with them you have to know their soil and how to best build on that soil.
God created your child to be a masterpiece, as we’ve already discussed in this series. It’s up to you to learn about the soil of each of their hearts to help build a strong foundation in them. You have to become an expert on your child. What gets them excited? What lifts them up? What drives them to tears? Each of your children is different so it’s important to adjust your approach so you do not wound the sensitive one but also get through to the strong child.
In this 4th episode in a series about Parenting Beyond the Rules, let’s dive into what it takes to build trust with our kids.
Foundation of Trust
Charles Feltman, a trust expert, broke trust down into four areas: sincerity, reliability, competence, and care.
Sincerity: Our children need to know that we’re sincere. They need to know that we say what we mean and mean what we say. Words matter.
Reliability: Do you keep your promises? Our kids need to know that we are reliable. When you say I’ll be there in 5 minutes, do you show up?
Competence: Competence means that you have the skills to do what you say you’re going to do. If you don’t have the needed skills, you have to be honest and tell your kids that you’re going to figure it out together.
Care: Showing your kids that you care means having their best interest at heart. People are generally selfish. The Lord tells us to esteem others higher than ourselves.
These things work together to establish trust at the foundation of relationship with your kids. This helps them know that they can count on us.
Building Trust
There are three things you can actively use to develop trust with your kids:
Time – Quality time together doing things that are intentional.
Grace – An atmosphere of grace changes the temperature of your home and sets the stage for forgiveness.
Repentance – Mistakes will be made along the way so learn to say I’m sorry.
Communicate Well
Building a strong foundation of relationship requires good communication. We have to clearly articulate, which requires thought and being a little slower to speak sometimes. Our kids need to hear our dreams, hopes, and goals as a family. We are relational at our core – first with the Lord and then with others. We want to create families that don’t just survive until the kids turn 18, but rather families that have beautiful, rich relationships as the kids become adults!
Did you get a parenting manual when your child was handed to you? Sometimes, it feels like it would have been easier if we had been given a guide or some 3-step formula when they were born. Instead, you’re searching the internet for quick tips and hacks to get you through the current parenting struggle. Sometimes the picture gets blurry… but God is not done with the story!
Maybe you’re currently looking at a picture of life and of your child that isn’t quite what you thought it would look like back when they were little. Maybe your teen is rebellious. Maybe you have a child who is simply ignoring you. Maybe you’ve thrown up your hands and declared, “It is what it is!” That may be true, but only for this moment. God created that masterpiece in the making and He is not done yet!
What can you do in the meantime?
Different Parenting Styles
As your child grows and changes, you also have to grow and change. I mention these five major parenting styles in Parenting by the Rules. Consider where you fit and how you can change to meet the needs of each of your children.
Authoritative Parent
Authoritative—This type of parent is typically seen as the most effective and helpful to a child. They are flexible and fair. They try to listen and communicate without overreacting. This type of parenting tends to be more predictable and is full of grace, understanding, forgiveness, kindness, and unconditional love. They teach their kids that they can accomplish great things if they are willing to work hard and put their minds to it.
Permissive Parent
Permissive—This parent is easygoing. Kids might call them pushovers. There are fewer rules. They focus on peace and harmony to avoid conflict. These parents believe their kids will figure things out, but this hands-off approach can make kids feel less loved because the parent is too disengaged.
Helicopter Parent
Helicopter—This style of parenting is a blend between authoritative and permissive. They see the need for boundaries and rules to keep chaos at bay but try to give more freedom. Unfortunately, fear and anxiety often define these parents. While well-intentioned with the requirements of constant check-ins, these parents must remember to teach the why along the way.
Hovering Parent
Hovering— These parents are more intrusive than the helicopter parent. At the first sign of trouble, they sweep in for the rescue. There’s a fine line between rescuing and letting your kids figure things out. It’s important for these parents to ask God for wisdom and discernment.
Lawnmower Parent
Lawnmower—This mom or dad will make sure their child has every opportunity on a paved path. They don’t believe that anyone else has their child’s best interest in mind. They are well-meaning, but they are likely to quickly step in to talk to teachers or coaches to argue on their child’s behalf.
The Strengths and Weaknesses
Every parenting style has its strengths and weaknesses. We as the parents have to adjust to the child we have, not the child we’re trying to make them into. If the picture gets blurry, maybe it’s time to take a step back and look at how you’re parenting a particular child and adjust. Only God knows your child’s heart, so you have to focus on building a strong relationship with them. Give them a strong foundation by modeling Biblical principles that govern your decision-making.
Ask yourself and the Lord these questions:
What do I need to change?
When do I need to change?
When do I need to hold firm?
When do I need to press pause?
When do I need to let my responsible child have more freedom?
Always remember that your child has a calling in their life, a plan, and a purpose from God. It’s up to you to help them discover that!
Do you smile in your homeschool and in your family life? Raising your kids, homeschooling, and developing relationships are all hard work. Sometimes you lose your smile… You’re not alone in this journey! Todd Wilson from The Smiling Homeschooler wants to see you have joy and smile. He talks with me about being a homeschool dad, catching a vision for your family, and delighting in your family.
Todd and his wife have eight kids who currently run the range of seasons from still at home and homeschooling to grown adults with their own kids. His mission has been to make moms laugh by talking about the realities of homeschooling and family life.
In this episode, Todd had me laughing as we talked about these topics.
Having joy in homeschooling and smiling more
Gauging the temperature of your home as a dad
Assuming your role and taking responsibility as a husband and dad
Allowing your husband to be involved in school and family life without discouraging him
and more!
I hope you laugh too and are encouraged by my conversation with Todd!
About Todd Wilson
Todd Wilson, author of Help! I’m Married to a Homeschooling Mom and The Official Book of Homeschooling Cartoons, is a dad, writer, conference speaker, and former pastor. Todd’s humor and gut-honest realness have made him a favorite speaker at homeschool conventions across the country and a guest on Focus on the Family. His articles have appeared in various magazines. Christianity Today also posts his weekly column (The Familyman Weekly) on their website. Todd and his wife Debbie, along with their eight children spend several months of the year traveling the country encouraging moms and dads. His humor, realness, and straight talk to men (& women) have become his trademark.
We tend to have relationships based on what was modeled for us as children. That’s the first place we learn about relationships. As parents, we have the opportunity to change the negative patterns and teach our children about nurturing relationships and how to navigate the subtle nuances of relationships.
In this episode, I had the opportunity to talk with my friends Blythe Daniel and her mom, Dr. Helen McIntosh. Dr. McIntosh is a psychologist who has spent her life helping people restore and nurture relationships despite the difficulty of her family life. Blythe is a literary agent. Together they’ve co-written, they’ve written two relationship-based books.
Encouragement to Restore and Nurture Relationships
Blythe and Dr. McIntosh share with me:
How to deal with “mother wounds”
Making a deliberate decision to change patterns
Resolving distance in relationships
Who should make the first move in reconciling a relationship
How strong marriages are related to strong families
The impact of affirming words for moms
How God has created us for relationships
I hope you’re encouraged by my conversation with these two wonderful ladies to restore and nurture the relationships in your life.
About Blythe Daniel & Dr. Helen McIntosh
Blythe Daniel is a literary agent and marketer. She has written for Proverbs 31 Ministries, Focus on the Family, Ann Voskamp, and Christian Retailing. Her agency markets books to publishers. The daughter of Dr. Helen McIntosh, she lives in Colorado with her husband and three children. She and McIntosh have written I Love You, Mom! and Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters.
Dr. Helen McIntosh (EdD, Counseling Psychology) is a counselor, speaker, educator, and author of Messages to Myself and Eric, Jose & The Peace Rug®. Her work has appeared in Guideposts, ParentLife, and HomeLife magazines. She resides in Georgia with her husband Jim. They have two children and five grandchildren. She and her daughter Blythe Daniel have written I Love You, Mom! and Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters.
Navigating grief is not easy. I’ve endured several seasons of loss in the last few years, so I know this firsthand. My guest on this episode is sadly well-acquainted with grief but has turned her story into one that serves and encourages others as they navigate grief.
Danita Jenae has learned to navigate grief by holding both joy and sorrow in the same breath as a military widow who was already familiar with trials. Shortly after making what was to be their final military move, which would lead into finishing out her husband Dan’s final year of service before retiring, he passed unexpectedly while hiking in the mountains of Colorado. She says that her mountains crumbled that day, in more ways than one.
How to Navigate Grief
Danita shares in our conversation this encouragement for navigating grief:
How she rebuilt from the ground up in a new place
How she handled isolation during the pandemic just months after Dan’s passing
What to say to someone who is grieving
How trauma affects your brain and ability to function
How to handle expectations
How to pray for your kids through their grief
This is such a thought-provoking conversation for anyone who is navigating grief or walking beside someone navigating a season of grief.
About Danita Jenae
Danita Jenae is a young mom and recent military widow learning to carry both joy and sorrow in the same breath. As an author, speaker, poet, and artist, she walks alongside the broken-hearted, offering practical and creative ways to lead a Spirit-led life.
