How many times have you said something and then wished you hadn’t said those words? Have you reacted to something your child did without thinking, and in the process, you snapped at them? The power of your words can be a tool or a weapon.
This is the eighth episode in a series on my book, Parenting Beyond the Rules. Last week we talked about learning to listen and this week I want to pivot to monitoring your mouth. The power of words can be used to build up or tear down. Neutrality isn’t really an option. And, the power of words doesn’t end with your kids. This applies to your spouse, friends, and coworkers as well.
Top of Mind
Living from top of mind to straight out of the mouth is not a healthy way to live. Just because you have a thought doesn’t necessarily mean that it needs to be expressed. You need a filter for your mouth! This means being mindful of what you say and being gracious.
Tone of Voice
It’s not always what we say that is the problem. It is how you say something that can make all the difference in the world. Pause and think about the person who will be hearing you before you speak. How will they hear what you have to say? This gives you time to rephrase what you have to say with the right words and tone.
Breathe Life
Getting your kids to talk to you can take great effort, especially if there’s a wall between the two of you. They might fear that you will make fun of or mock them. There may be a trust issue. I’m sure that’s not your intention to tear them down, but sometimes your words come across with the exact opposite force of your intent. Picture breathing life into your child. With all of the criticizing voices out there today, you want your child to know that you are for them when they hear your voice. Some kids are more sensitive than others. What you say to one child may bounce right off of them, while another child can be crushed by the same words.
Children Speak Like Children
When they are young, your children will speak like children. As your children grow, foolishness is replaced by wisdom. They gain knowledge and maturity. This process really begins to take hold around the teenage years, but it’s a gradual development. Affirm your child when you see this growth in their words and actions. This shows your child that they are a valuable part of your family and they belong.
How to Use the Power of Words
How can you start communicating well with your kids?
First, don’t speak from a place of anger. It’s hard to undo the damage that you cause with your words. Allow yourself time to settle before teaching, rebuking, or having that tough conversation.
Second, be free from distractions. Put the phones down! Look into each other’s eyes while you’re talking.
Next, don’t be accusatory. There’s probably another side to the story that you’re not aware of. Give up the fact-finding missions and interrogations. Your goal should be to uncover the underlying reason for what happened or what is currently going on with your child.
Finally, focus on what your child needs from the conversation.
Tender-Hearted vs Strong-Minded Kids
Your strong-minded kids are likely to be our future leaders. They need guidance. They want to be understood. Your more passive, tender-hearted kids need more gentleness. In either case, you’re not going to handle things right with them all of the time. Be quick to admit when you’ve messed up and ask them for forgiveness.
This path of clear communication and using the power of words wisely doesn’t end when your kids turn 18. Hopefully, by the time you have adult children, you will have had lots of practice in monitoring your mouth and can be quick to ask for forgiveness when your words come out in a way that you don’t intend. The goal is to resolve conflicts and create rich, lasting relationships with your kids.
I’ve worked with kids from little ones to college kids for over 30 years. The number one complaint I hear from parents is: “My kids don’t talk to me!” On the other side, the number one complaint I hear from kids is: “My parents don’t listen to me!” You want our kids to talk to you, but do you know how to listen to your child?
In this seventh episode in a series on Parenting Beyond the Rules, I am sharing steps to improve how you listen to your child. The focus is on you as the parent and how you can be a better listener for your child. Listening will show your child that you are trustworthy and available to them.
Be fully present. Nothing is worse than trying to talk to someone and they are trying to multitask. I know you can’t always drop everything to listen. In those cases, be honest about when you can be available and then follow through on that time. If you ask your child to wait five minutes, make sure you’re ready for them in five minutes. Set a timer on your phone if you have to. You are building trust when you follow through on your word.
Ask how much time is needed. When you ask your child if this is a quick thing that they want to share or whether this is a more in-depth conversation that you need to block out more time for in your schedule, it can show that you care and are interested in them.
Be an active listener. Even if you’re talking with your child over something like dinner prep, make sure they know you’re listening. Make eye contact. Ask questions.
Show interest in their friends and activities. When you show interest in their friends, your child will feel valued. They want to know that what matters to them also matters to you.
Use the routine questions to segue into the deeper topics. Ease into the deeper conversations. Meaningful conversations usually start with seemingly unimportant questions and segue into more important topics that are weighing on your child’s mind and heart.
Find the time. Listening requires time. You just have to find the time. If you’re always busy or preoccupied, your child will go to someone else. I don’t know about you, but I at least want to be on the list of the top 5 people (preferably higher!) that my child goes to for wisdom and counsel. That requires time.
Be slow to talk. Make sure that your child, especially an adult child, actually wants your advice before you start giving it. Don’t get offended if your child doesn’t want your advice. Some kids need a safe place to discuss what’s bouncing around in their heads. Some kids are external processors. Then they will go back and think. You can ask leading questions to help them process without giving them the answers or forcing them to come to a conclusion or plan right away.
Watch your reactions. Don’t overreact when your child comes to you, especially when they come with something shocking. Control your mouth and your body language. Ask the Lord to give you the wisdom to have this self-control and to know when it is ok to interject.
When your kids know that you’re available and that you believe in them, they will keep returning to you to talk. It’s a long process to build this trust and come to this kind of relationship with your child. We have two ears and one mouth; so, we should be doing twice as much listening as we do talking. When you treat your child with this kind of respect, you are modeling good listening to them so they can also become better listeners.
Have you ever felt like you’re trying so hard but you’re losing the battle to talk to your kids? First, I want to tell you that is a defeatist mindset and I invite you to change the way that you look at the situation. There are things you can do! Second, there are so many forces out there who are against you and trying to speak into your child’s life. Don’t give up! You have to learn how to understand your child’s world and have the hard conversations in order to develop a strong relationship with your child.
In this sixth episode in a series about Parenting Beyond the Rules, I want to give you some suggestions for how to understand your child’s world. Here are some things that you can do and pay attention to:
Understand that children don’t know what is normal. Their brains are maturing and their hormones are raging. You as the adult have way more miles in life and a lot more experience.
Learn to see life from your child’s lens. A child is a sponge that soaks up everything. Anything is possible to them. Keep yourself from constantly telling them that they are wrong and their ideas won’t work. Give them a chance to learn and makes mistakes rather than jumping straight to being the reality checker.
Teach your kids to be others aware. We are naturally self-aware and a little selfish. Help your kids see how their actions might hurt another person.
Observe what your kids say and think. Don’t be quick to pounce on them when their words come out unfiltered. Take time to get to the root of what they said and why. Help them process what’s in their hearts.
Be their biggest cheerleader. You are there to listen and walk beside them rather than dictate to them.
Keep your finger on the pulse of their friends. Have a home where the kids want to hang out so you can see how your kids interact with other kids, but also what their friends are like. You’ll have the opportunity to help your child correct their behavior as well as see which kids might be a poor influence on your kids.
Listen to your gut. I tell my kids that I’m not going to catch everything that they do, but God knows their actions. Sometimes God gives also gives you as the parent intuition and nudges from the Holy Spirit to know that something is not right with your kids. Follow that.
Don’t marginalize, criticize, or minimize. Don’t let the first thing you do be to criticize your kids. Correction has a time and a place. Take time to step into their shoes and listen. Find times and places to have deep conversations, but be sure to ask God for wisdom.
Pay attention to your child’s body language. Are they having mood swings? Are they eating well? Are they sleeping well? Is there something else going on that might be contributing to your child having a rough day?
Encourage your kids. You could leave them notes or send them text messages. Remember that your job as a parent doesn’t end once your child becomes an adult. Your role just changes. Continue to speak life to them. Show them that you believe in them, you trust them, and you respect them.
Talk to your kids about your family values. What makes your child unique and special to your family? What does your family stand for?
I hope you found these suggestions for how to understand your child’s world helpful. Which one will you start implementing first?
When you have a baby, there is unimaginable joy. It’s hard to understand how much a mom or dad loves their child. But, we have to be careful to not put conditions on that love as they grow older. There are hindrances that can pop up to giving your kids unconditional love.
Hindrances to Unconditional Love
There are four hindrances to giving your kids unconditional love that can completely derail your relationships:
Unmet expectations – This might be in the form of your needs you feel like your child should meet or performance metrics that your child isn’t living up to.
Fear of rejection or rebellion – Don’t let the fear of being pushed away keep you from loving your kids.
Not knowing your children – Learn how each of your children best receives love. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a great resource for discovering your child’s preferences for receiving love.
Your past relationship with your parents – It’s easy to follow in the footsteps of our parents’ parenting style. If you didn’t have a good relationship with your parents, you still have the opportunity to change your legacy.
Kids want the affirmation of their parents. If they don’t get that affirmation from you, they will look for it somewhere else. We all have a deep need to be loved and receive love. Ask the Lord where He wants you to change so you can better give unconditional love to your children.
My father-in-law is an architect. Years ago, when my kids were little, I was in his office looking at the artwork on the walls. It was a collection of buildings that he had designed. One, in particular, caught my eye. It was a building designed on the side of a mountain with metal posts going into the ground. As I talked to him about it, I learned about foundations and what it takes to know how to build in a situation like this. His answer: the soil. You have to know the soil. It’s the same with your kids. To build a strong foundation of relationship with them you have to know their soil and how to best build on that soil.
God created your child to be a masterpiece, as we’ve already discussed in this series. It’s up to you to learn about the soil of each of their hearts to help build a strong foundation in them. You have to become an expert on your child. What gets them excited? What lifts them up? What drives them to tears? Each of your children is different so it’s important to adjust your approach so you do not wound the sensitive one but also get through to the strong child.
In this 4th episode in a series about Parenting Beyond the Rules, let’s dive into what it takes to build trust with our kids.
Foundation of Trust
Charles Feltman, a trust expert, broke trust down into four areas: sincerity, reliability, competence, and care.
Sincerity: Our children need to know that we’re sincere. They need to know that we say what we mean and mean what we say. Words matter.
Reliability: Do you keep your promises? Our kids need to know that we are reliable. When you say I’ll be there in 5 minutes, do you show up?
Competence: Competence means that you have the skills to do what you say you’re going to do. If you don’t have the needed skills, you have to be honest and tell your kids that you’re going to figure it out together.
Care: Showing your kids that you care means having their best interest at heart. People are generally selfish. The Lord tells us to esteem others higher than ourselves.
These things work together to establish trust at the foundation of relationship with your kids. This helps them know that they can count on us.
Building Trust
There are three things you can actively use to develop trust with your kids:
Time – Quality time together doing things that are intentional.
Grace – An atmosphere of grace changes the temperature of your home and sets the stage for forgiveness.
Repentance – Mistakes will be made along the way so learn to say I’m sorry.
Communicate Well
Building a strong foundation of relationship requires good communication. We have to clearly articulate, which requires thought and being a little slower to speak sometimes. Our kids need to hear our dreams, hopes, and goals as a family. We are relational at our core – first with the Lord and then with others. We want to create families that don’t just survive until the kids turn 18, but rather families that have beautiful, rich relationships as the kids become adults!
Did you get a parenting manual when your child was handed to you? Sometimes, it feels like it would have been easier if we had been given a guide or some 3-step formula when they were born. Instead, you’re searching the internet for quick tips and hacks to get you through the current parenting struggle. Sometimes the picture gets blurry… but God is not done with the story!
Maybe you’re currently looking at a picture of life and of your child that isn’t quite what you thought it would look like back when they were little. Maybe your teen is rebellious. Maybe you have a child who is simply ignoring you. Maybe you’ve thrown up your hands and declared, “It is what it is!” That may be true, but only for this moment. God created that masterpiece in the making and He is not done yet!
What can you do in the meantime?
Different Parenting Styles
As your child grows and changes, you also have to grow and change. I mention these five major parenting styles in Parenting by the Rules. Consider where you fit and how you can change to meet the needs of each of your children.
Authoritative Parent
Authoritative—This type of parent is typically seen as the most effective and helpful to a child. They are flexible and fair. They try to listen and communicate without overreacting. This type of parenting tends to be more predictable and is full of grace, understanding, forgiveness, kindness, and unconditional love. They teach their kids that they can accomplish great things if they are willing to work hard and put their minds to it.
Permissive Parent
Permissive—This parent is easygoing. Kids might call them pushovers. There are fewer rules. They focus on peace and harmony to avoid conflict. These parents believe their kids will figure things out, but this hands-off approach can make kids feel less loved because the parent is too disengaged.
Helicopter Parent
Helicopter—This style of parenting is a blend between authoritative and permissive. They see the need for boundaries and rules to keep chaos at bay but try to give more freedom. Unfortunately, fear and anxiety often define these parents. While well-intentioned with the requirements of constant check-ins, these parents must remember to teach the why along the way.
Hovering Parent
Hovering— These parents are more intrusive than the helicopter parent. At the first sign of trouble, they sweep in for the rescue. There’s a fine line between rescuing and letting your kids figure things out. It’s important for these parents to ask God for wisdom and discernment.
Lawnmower Parent
Lawnmower—This mom or dad will make sure their child has every opportunity on a paved path. They don’t believe that anyone else has their child’s best interest in mind. They are well-meaning, but they are likely to quickly step in to talk to teachers or coaches to argue on their child’s behalf.
The Strengths and Weaknesses
Every parenting style has its strengths and weaknesses. We as the parents have to adjust to the child we have, not the child we’re trying to make them into. If the picture gets blurry, maybe it’s time to take a step back and look at how you’re parenting a particular child and adjust. Only God knows your child’s heart, so you have to focus on building a strong relationship with them. Give them a strong foundation by modeling Biblical principles that govern your decision-making.
Ask yourself and the Lord these questions:
What do I need to change?
When do I need to change?
When do I need to hold firm?
When do I need to press pause?
When do I need to let my responsible child have more freedom?
Always remember that your child has a calling in their life, a plan, and a purpose from God. It’s up to you to help them discover that!
