We tend to have relationships based on what was modeled for us as children. That’s the first place we learn about relationships. As parents, we have the opportunity to change the negative patterns and teach our children about nurturing relationships and how to navigate the subtle nuances of relationships.
In this episode, I had the opportunity to talk with my friends Blythe Daniel and her mom, Dr. Helen McIntosh. Dr. McIntosh is a psychologist who has spent her life helping people restore and nurture relationships despite the difficulty of her family life. Blythe is a literary agent. Together they’ve co-written, they’ve written two relationship-based books.
Encouragement to Restore and Nurture Relationships
Blythe and Dr. McIntosh share with me:
How to deal with “mother wounds”
Making a deliberate decision to change patterns
Resolving distance in relationships
Who should make the first move in reconciling a relationship
How strong marriages are related to strong families
The impact of affirming words for moms
How God has created us for relationships
I hope you’re encouraged by my conversation with these two wonderful ladies to restore and nurture the relationships in your life.
About Blythe Daniel & Dr. Helen McIntosh
Blythe Daniel is a literary agent and marketer. She has written for Proverbs 31 Ministries, Focus on the Family, Ann Voskamp, and Christian Retailing. Her agency markets books to publishers. The daughter of Dr. Helen McIntosh, she lives in Colorado with her husband and three children. She and McIntosh have written I Love You, Mom! and Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters.
Dr. Helen McIntosh (EdD, Counseling Psychology) is a counselor, speaker, educator, and author of Messages to Myself and Eric, Jose & The Peace Rug®. Her work has appeared in Guideposts, ParentLife, and HomeLife magazines. She resides in Georgia with her husband Jim. They have two children and five grandchildren. She and her daughter Blythe Daniel have written I Love You, Mom! and Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters.
Navigating grief is not easy. I’ve endured several seasons of loss in the last few years, so I know this firsthand. My guest on this episode is sadly well-acquainted with grief but has turned her story into one that serves and encourages others as they navigate grief.
Danita Jenae has learned to navigate grief by holding both joy and sorrow in the same breath as a military widow who was already familiar with trials. Shortly after making what was to be their final military move, which would lead into finishing out her husband Dan’s final year of service before retiring, he passed unexpectedly while hiking in the mountains of Colorado. She says that her mountains crumbled that day, in more ways than one.
How to Navigate Grief
Danita shares in our conversation this encouragement for navigating grief:
How she rebuilt from the ground up in a new place
How she handled isolation during the pandemic just months after Dan’s passing
What to say to someone who is grieving
How trauma affects your brain and ability to function
How to handle expectations
How to pray for your kids through their grief
This is such a thought-provoking conversation for anyone who is navigating grief or walking beside someone navigating a season of grief.
About Danita Jenae
Danita Jenae is a young mom and recent military widow learning to carry both joy and sorrow in the same breath. As an author, speaker, poet, and artist, she walks alongside the broken-hearted, offering practical and creative ways to lead a Spirit-led life.
Are you biting your nails a little more than usual lately? Are you flat-out irritated or angry about what you see happening around you? I’m right there with you! We’re living in a woke world. So, what should you do?
Whether it’s Disney, Florida Governor DeSantis signing the law to prevent early elementary-aged children from being taught about gender, or Will Smith and Chris Rock’s “slap heard ’round the world,” anyone with a microphone is trying to tell you how you should think or what you should do in response.
How are they supposed to know what you’re supposed to do?
You’re trying to raise children who love the Lord. I know you don’t have your head in the sand and you aren’t trying to pretend like nothing is happening all around you. You are probably getting flack from every direction for what you’re choosing to do… or not to do. I am too!
Run Your Race in a Woke World
My job and mission here at Equipped To Be and with my weekly episode on The Christian Perspective with Chris Hughes is to equip you for the calling God has set before you. Your calling is different from my calling. Who am I to say that you’re not doing enough? We each need to do what God has called us to do. We need to run our own races.
What should we cling to in the midst life in a woke world? We focus on Scripture. We answer this question: Are we doing what God is telling us to do?
I’m asked a lot of questions about these hot topics. What am I going to do about these things? Well, it’s a personal decision that you and your family have to make. I can’t make that decision for you but, I will say this about consistency and follow-through: Will you cancel a product made in China or North Korea? What about countries that use slave labor to make products? TV stations? Movies? Social media and the companies that run these networks? The store where you buy your groceries? Are you looking into the practices of every company that you buy from or do business with? What did you do when everyone was running away from Target over their bathroom policies? Did you stop shopping there but then gradually start going back there again? What about football or concerts?
I’m not trying to make you feel bad in any way. People will give me flack for this, but, my job is to simply point you back to the Lord. That’s it. My opinion is just an opinion. I’m focused on building character. Are you building character in your children? Are you building relationships with them? You see, my gifting is in exhortation. I want to exhort you to good works. I know it feels like it’s harder to raise kids right now. Everything we’re facing is so blatant, but, look at it this way: Nothing is hidden now. It’s all in the open for you to see more clearly.
What has God called you to do? Are you supposed to be at the podium and shouting from the rooftops or are you quietly in the background sharing truth and providing a meal. If you are called to speak up, then speak up! If you’re called to live quietly, then do that to the best of your ability! Some of you are trying to make a difference from the inside of some of these companies. Run your race!
Model that you are following the Lord rather than following the latest boycott trend or fear scam. Be at peace with where God has you right now and be aware that place could change tomorrow. Step ahead and walk in accordance with how God is leading you. What you do will likely change as your children grow older and your family grows too. We consider everyone in our family and have family meetings to discuss these kinds of topics and decisions.
God Will Meet You There
Disney is not the first company nor will it be the last company that comes out to attack your values. If you need to cancel it, then do it. Cancel every bit of it. Be careful not to shame others who have made a different choice or are doing so quietly.
Whatever the hot button, headline issue of the day is, know that God is going to meet you there. He will lead you into the decision that you need to make as a family.
Are you a sunrise or a sunset person? Do you like rising early to start the day and ponder what is ahead of you as the sun comes up? Or do you prefer to sit and consider what happened in your day as the sun goes down? Every day there’s a beautiful rhythm and repetition to our days. But, what are the benefits of repetition? Why do we need these rhythms to our days?
Why Do We Need Repetition?
Your children probably have a favorite book. It’s the one they ask you to read over and over. And then they ask you to read it again. It can be annoying but consider this: We are not as perceptive as we might think. We miss certain things at the first glance. When we practice and allow repetition, we catch little things we missed or we see things in a different light.
Repetition also gives a sense of security and predictability. Children in particular thrive on routines. First, we do this and then we do that. At this time of day, I have lunch and after that I have playtime.
God has ordained an order to our days. Your days are somewhat scheduled. The sun rises around the same time each day. Even if there’s a storm outside and you can’t see the sky clearly, you still know that the sun is rising. The day is going to happen. Then later that day, the sun will set whether you are watching it go down or not The end of the day will come.
God has established order and habits. He also tells us to discipline our minds. Repetition develops muscle memory, which then turns everyday tasks into habits. Once you’ve developed a habit, you will feel off-kilter if you skip the habit!
It really comes back to discipline and how you will spend your days. That story that you read over and again to your kids has been written on their hearts. In a similar manner, God tells us to memorize His word and to hide it in our hearts. This enables us to live the life God has called us to live.
Ponder this:
Where can I help build habits into my life?
Where can I see the repetition and rhythms in my life through God’s lens?
How can I be thankful for repetition in my life?
I challenge you to see the benefits of repetition in your life and that of your kids.
You can’t ignore conflict and have that conflict just disappear. You also can’t resolve conflict by addressing it straight up. Working out conflicts is a complex process. Let’s talk through some ways that you can better handle conflict resolution, whether the person on the other side is your child, your spouse, your friend, or your coworker. The goal is to resolve conflict to restore relationships.
What to Do When You’ve Caused Conflict
Sometimes we hurt someone else’s feelings. We say things we flat out shouldn’t have said or maybe a joke didn’t land right with another person. Here are some practical things you can do whether your actions or words were intentional or whether they were misunderstood.
Don’t ignore the conflict.
Ask God how you can handle it.
Pay attention to your timing.
Pay attention to the words you use.
Consider the receiver, the person who has been offended. What is the best way that you can communicate with this person? You’ll find that reconciliation and restoration come so much more easily when you think about these things. You have to be the one to lead with humility. Show the other person that you care and you want to work through the misunderstanding to eliminate hindrances to your relationship.
Remember: you are not responsible for how the other person receives this from you. It is your responsibility to initiate and try to make it better. Try to see through their lens. Put forth the effort.
What to Do When You are the Offended
Let’s turn the tables. How should you respond when you are the person who has been offended by someone else’s words or actions? First, consider the source. If the goal is relationship, then go to that person, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and ask them about the situation. Explain how what happened is now straining your relationship with them. You may still have to be the initiator of this process when you’re the person who has been offended.
Forgiveness
What do you do when the other person isn’t aware they’ve done something to offend you? What about when you’ve hurt someone else and they don’t believe you when you go to them for reconciliation? Remember this verse:
If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
Romans 12:18 NKJV
Wounds can take time to heal. Sometimes that healing is very slow. You have to forgive and not hold on to the offense. Then prayerfully consider what your next steps are. This doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be hurt again, but also remembering that hurt is an unfortunate part of being in relationships with others.
Resolve Conflict: The Key to Relationships
Conflict resolution is so important. We must resolve the issues that happen in our everyday lives with the people we’re doing life with so we can continue to do life with them. The process can take time, so don’t quit. Ask God for the right timing, the right words, and the right heart. Also, ask that your words would land in a tender place in the other person’s heart.
It used to be that college kids were the ones who would walk away from their faith. Now, it’s teens leaving the Church. It is kids aged 15-17 who are are the ones walking away at an alarming rate. This is rooted in the pandemic and the deeming of churches as non-essential.
Did you know that 16.5% of people don’t believe in good and evil? I guess this could explain all of the hostility, rudeness, and violence we’re seeing these days. If you don’t believe in good and evil, then what do you believe in? This is what your kids are facing!
The Battle Within the Church
These teens were pulled away from their peer groups during the pandemic. They were pulled away from what the Church stood for. They were told that the Church is not important. Stats say that eight out of ten Christians need discipleship. Seventy percent of Christians don’t read their Bible. No wonder our kids are walking away from the Church. This is why people are confused, stressed out, and depressed!
4 Hopeful Steps
What can you do to help turn this around? I want you to have hope! Here are four things you can do:
Read your Bible. Start with a Proverb a day or start reading from Genesis or Matthew.
Pray. Pray for your own peace of mind, your anxiety, your struggles, your marriage, etc. Hand it all over to God.
Talk about your faith. Build relationships with people you can freely talk with about your faith.
Engage in your community. Have an impact and make a difference for the kingdom.
Let your kids see you doing these things and help them develop these habits.
Listener Question: Isolation
What can I do about isolation and my 11-year-old girl?
This question was asked of me recently on social media. Well, first you need to know that these are the murky, mysterious, marvelous, middle school years. You need to be aware of what they are going through so you can better lead and guide them on how to handle their emotions. We all feel isolated at times. Help her understand that her identity comes first from the Lord and then from within your family. Friends are a distant third. Consider doing extra activities together to help her discover what she’s interested in and find people who share similar interests.
