Are you lying awake at night wondering why trouble seems to find your teen? Do you find yourself asking why simple requests turn into heated arguments? Have you noticed changes in their behavior that don’t seem just “typical teenage stuff”? If you’re nodding along, feeling the weight of these questions, you’re not alone. Welcome to this episode of “Trouble with Teens,” a direct conversation to help parents seeking a lifeline as they navigate the rough season of adolescence. Let’s tackle these turbulent years together with strategies that will bring us closer to understanding our teens and guiding them through today’s complexities.
While trouble with teens isn’t uncommon, we can help teens on the edge from acting up or acting out. They are created on purpose and need us to guide them along a path to adulthood with confidence and joy.
Avoid Overreacting
Modeling Calmness: Teens are highly attuned to emotional responses. Showing them how to handle emotions calmly and constructively sets a powerful example.
Creating a Trusting Environment: When teens know they won’t be met with immediate judgment or anger, they’re more likely to come forward with their problems or mistakes.
Evaluate the Circumstances
Understanding Before Reacting: Take the time to fully understand the context of your teen’s actions or feelings. This might involve discussing their actions more deeply or considering the external pressures they’re facing.
Guidance, Not Judgment: Use these discussions as opportunities to guide and teach, rather than to criticize. It’s about helping them learn from their experiences.
Identify Their Surroundings
Acknowledge Peer Influence: Recognize the significant impact of peer groups and social environments. Discussing these influences can help teens become more aware of their own decision-making processes.
Environmental Awareness: Help them understand how different environments can lead to different types of behavior, and strategize ways to maintain integrity in challenging situations.
Be Proactive
Scenario Planning: Discuss “what-if” scenarios not as a way to induce fear, but to empower your teen with strategies and solutions for potential challenges.
Preparation Builds Confidence: Knowing they have a plan can help teens feel more confident in their ability to handle difficult situations.
Listen Actively
Full Engagement: Show your teen that you’re fully present in the conversation by putting away distractions and making eye contact.
Reflect and Clarify: Reflect back what you’ve heard and ask clarifying questions. This not only ensures you’ve understood their perspective but also shows that you’re genuinely interested in their thoughts and feelings.
Additional Considerations
Consistency is Key: Regular, casual conversations can foster a sense of normalcy around discussing complex issues. Making time for these talks can help keep communication lines open.
Encourage Self-Reflection: Encourage your teen to reflect on their feelings and actions independently. This self-reflection is a critical skill for emotional and psychological development.
Teenagers need clear expectations and routines, such as curfews, bedtime rituals, or homework schedules. These help them build healthy habits and learn responsibility. We start by being consistent in enforcing our family rules and explaining the consequences.
Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, the challenges our teens face may require professional intervention. Recognizing when it’s time to seek outside help is a sign of strength and proactive care, not a failure. Whether it’s counseling, therapy, or support groups, external resources can offer specialized guidance and support for navigating more complex issues. These professionals can provide a safe space for teens to explore their feelings and experiences and offer strategies and tools that parents might not have at their disposal. Engaging with these resources can be a valuable step in supporting your teen’s mental health and overall well-being, ensuring they have the comprehensive support they need to thrive. But do your research before sending your child to a counselor. Find someone or a group that aligns with your family’s faith and beliefs.
By employing these strategies, parents can help guide their teens through the challenges of adolescence with understanding, empathy, and effective communication. This approach not only addresses the immediate issues but also strengthens the parent-teen relationship, laying a foundation for trust and openness that can stand the test of time and troubles.
Remember, God tells us not to grow weary in well-doing. God is at work. Don’t give up!
Thank you for tuning in to Equipped To Be. Until next time, keep parenting with love and intention.
In the United States, this is a week when we pause to be thankful and consider thankfulness. But, appreciation goes much deeper than thankfulness. In this episode, I want to discuss teaching appreciation to your kids.
Everyone wants to feel loved and valued, but appreciation goes deeper into the heart of a person. Teaching appreciation to kids actually begins with mom and dad. It starts with your example. This may come more easily to some of you but be more difficult for others. Catch your kids doing good things and then go beyond just saying thank you. Find your children doing little things and show them appreciation.
It’s important that you put your appreciation into words and actions that your child will hear and understand. Dr. Gary Chapman’s books are a great resource on this topic in addition to past episodes I’ve done on strengths and siblings. Ask the Lord to reveal to you how your children think, feel, and behave. How do they process the world around them? Use this knowledge to communicate appreciation to your kids.
When we neglect to do these kinds of these and train our kids with these examples over and over again, we end up with adults who don’t know how to be thankful and think everything is owed to them. But Scripture tells us that we are to value others more highly than ourselves. We are to seek to serve. Explain these ideas to your kids, not in a negative way, but in a way that makes them really think and ponder these things.
This episode has plenty of practical examples and scenarios about how you can put this into action to teach appreciation to your kids!
When I talk to teens, I hear this time and time again. Teens want to be heard, but they feel like their parents are not listening. Parents tell me that their teen doesn’t talk to them. Your teen has few true choices at this point in their life. You are choosing where they live and where they go to school. Their choices in food and clothes are likely limited by budget or other restrictions. They are desperately trying to mature from a child into an adult, but they are not going to navigate that path perfectly. Some of the tension comes because you as the parent need to work on creating your unique parenting style and figuring out how that fits with your unique child.
Parenting Styles
There are a lot of parenting styles out there. You can do a quick search online and find the big ones named and defined. I also talk about this in Parenting Beyond The Rules. Here are a few styles that you’ll likely come across:
Authoritative
Permissive
Hovering
Helicopter
Lawnmower
Sweeper
Do you fall into any of these parenting styles? How is that working in your family?
The Goal of Your Parenting Style
Relationship with your child should be the goal of your parenting style. If you feel like there’s something missing in your relationship with one or more of your kids, it might be your parenting style. You have to be in tune with each kid. What you say or how you say something to one child could crush another child. It’s all about speaking in a way that the child can hear you.
Can I Change My Parenting Style?
Yes! Your parenting style needs to change as your child grows and matures and as they learn to show respect and honor. When you pivot and make changes to your parenting style, it shows your child that you’re working together with them. Now, about half of you are likely thinking that this is no big deal. You’re the go-with-the-flow type, and making these changes may come more naturally for you. The other half of you are freaking out right now because you don’t like change. But relationships change over time, and so must your parenting style.
How Do I Change My Parenting Style?
I’m here to tell you that changing your parenting style is simple. Ok, maybe not as simple in the sense that I can lay out all of the steps for you like an instruction manual, but I can confidently tell you the starting steps.
Step One: Pray
The first step is to pray. Your child, each of your children, is a masterpiece fashioned by a master creator and architect. I purposely used this imagery of paint and paintbrushes on the front cover of Parenting Beyond the Rules.
This isn’t a paint-by-number craft project. In contrast, God created your child with unique strengths, gifts, and talents. It’s your job to help your child figure out where to put the colors and shapes onto the blank canvas of their lives. When you pray, you’re talking to the master architect! Consult him about how to teach and train your child.
Step Two: See Through the Lens of Your Child
You need to work towards seeing the world the way your child does. You have to talk to them in a way that they can hear and understand you. Your strong-willed child may not flinch when you reprimand them with a harsh tone, but your sensitive child could be devasted by the same words and tone. Figure out who they are and treat them like the unique masterpieces that God created them to be. They need to know that you’re going to be there for them, no matter what happens. This is about having mutual respect and honor. To listen to each other. It’s not about winning a battle or even today’s argument. The goal is a relationship, and that means being the best parent you can be… for each of your children.
Creating Your Unique Parenting Style
Your unique parenting style will change over the years and for each child. It’s okay to change. It is necessary to change. You will have to keep creating your unique parenting style and keep adjusting it to meet the needs of your family and each of your children. Your kids are counting on you!
Your older children are facing a world with so much chaos and conflicting information. If you’re like me, you want them to know what you think. You want to protect them from failure or pain. But whether your older children are teens, college-aged, young adults, or older, there comes a point when you can’t make them do or say the right thing. You can’t force them to navigate a situation well. These older children are now adults, or close to being adults. It’s a new season and you need to learn how to give advice to older children.
My mom used to regularly say that she was going to give someone a piece of her mind. I used to silently (and not so silently at times) think that no one wants a piece of her mind! When your older children are in a difficult situation and you have opinions, it’s so easy to jump right to giving them a piece of your mind. But, there’s a better way!
First, let me encourage you with this. If you’ve been pouring God’s principles into your kids, that wisdom is still all inside of them. It can be painful to watch an older child not listen or seem to not listen to those years of guidance. Rest assured that the phrases you’ve said repeatedly and things you’ve taught them are inside their brains and hearts. Those things will come back to them in times of need.
Let the words you speak land in a tender place in their heart.
Connie Albers
There’s a better way to give advice to your older kids than to give them an unsolicited piece of your mind.
Wait for Them to Ask for Advice
I know that you desperately want your older kids to know what you think, but wait until they ask. Show them respect by restraining your mouth. Know the child you’re speaking to, regardless of their age. Give them a chance to learn to be a problem-solver. They need space to develop discernment. Sadly for us as the parent, this means watching our kids make some poor decisions as they learn these skills.
Ask If They’d Like Your Advice
Before you dish out that piece of your mind, pause and ask if your older child would like to know what you’re thinking. This also requires discernment on your part for good timing. When your older child is no longer living under your roof, gauging the best timing becomes more difficult. You must hold your thoughts for the right time. If necessary, write your thoughts down in a journal and hold them there until the time is right to share.
When the time is right to ask for permission to speak into a situation in your child’s life, try phrases like:
Would you like to know what I’m thinking about…?
Would you like to know how I’d encourage you in…?
Would you like to know some things to consider about…?
Would like like to hear a different perspective on…?
If you don’t ask permission first, your words are less likely to land in that tender place in their hearts and will instead be rejected. Timing is crucial to being heard. Wait for your kids to ask. If you can’t wait, then ask for permission to give your advice.
Pray for Your Older Children
Be fervent in praying for your older children. Pray for things like:
Protection
Discernment
Guidance
Someone who can say what you’d like to say
Be a sounding board for your older children. Let them know you’re praying for them. They need to know that you’re there for them. The fair-weather friends will disappear. Cancel culture will try to shut them down. But, I as your parent… I will always be here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.
I’ve walked through this season of life with my teens, my college-aged kids, and my young adult children. I assure you, it is possible to lead your children without saying a word. When they do invite you into their lives to share your thoughts and advice, handle that trust with care. Your long-term goal is to create rich, lasting relationships with your kids.
What should you do when you have a rebellious child? When your child pulls away from you? When your adult child is estranged from you? We don’t openly talk about these kinds of struggles or share these heartbreaking experiences readily on social media. The picture of life can become blurry during these kinds of painful seasons, but there are things that you can do. Let’s talk about the possibilities!
Living with Rebellious Child or an Estranged Adult Child
I say frequently that rules minus relationship equals rebellion. I wrote in Parenting Beyond the Rules about how you have to go beyond the rules. You have to be willing to pivot and adjust. There’s freedom in the pivot! Rules don’t always mean rebellion and having a great relationship doesn’t keep your child from having a mood swing!
I remember my parents’ divorce. I was just 11 years old when my dad told me that he was leaving and that it was all my mother’s fault. Processing that with all of the information that I had and could understand as a child, I became very angry with my mother. The problem is that an 11 year old doesn’t know how to process that. If you know my story, you know I love my mom dearly. Over the years, I let many career opportunities pass by so that I could take care of my mom until her passing a few years ago. Sadly, there was a lot of ugly in the in between years.
There is a raw kind of pain deep in a mom’s heart surrounding rebellious children. If you tried to articulate it, you’d choke up and become speechless. Words cannot express the pain you feel. I’ve sat with many moms in this messy middle. Maybe you’re in these in between years? You have a rebellious child. A child who is sneaky or lies. A child who is estranged. A young adult child who doesn’t respond to texts, doesn’t come around to celebrate the holidays, or doesn’t send a birthday card. You are not alone!
If you have a child and a relationship like this, you likely want to chase after this child like the prodigal son. But, don’t forget the ones who are still at home and doing life with you like your spouse and other children. Despite the hurt, you have to remember to keep showing up for the ones who still present and asking to spend time with you. Letting go seems hard to do. It’s like a death of sorts. It carries so much guilt and so many unspoken words. But you do have to find a way to carry on for the rest of the family.
I’ve written a lot about the challenges of parenting teenagers. I had no idea how hard it would be when they became adults. Everything changes. Your focus needs to be working on the parent you want your child to get to know. So many times, children create a narrative; some of it is real while other parts are not. The story they hear or tell themselves can become etched in their hearts when they put up a wall. They think it is to protect them from you, but it keeps them from seeing the real you. Your heart. Your love. Your devotion over the years.
The Gift of Time
“There is a gift of time, but you aren’t the controller of the time clock.”
Connie Albers
Time can be a great healer. I can’t tell you how much time is required. Maybe it will just be a year, but it might take 5 or 10 years or more. Here are some things that you can do along the way:
Don’t dwell on the situation. Be sure to focus on the children who do want to be near you.
Guard your heart against bitterness, anger, and resentment.
Bitterness will hurt you and the others living with you more than the wayward child.
Anger will cause you to do and say things that you regret.
Resentment keeps you from having an open heart.
Don’t withdraw or isolate yourself. Find a friend or support group or ministry you can connect with. We are made for relationships! When a relationship is broken, so is our heart.
Don’t expect your friends who aren’t walking this journey to understand. They simply can’t understand. Some things can only be understood after the fact.
Moving Forward
Here are some practical reminders and steps forward:
Stay kind.
Stay full of hope.
Believe the Lord is still at work.
Be faithful to show love when or if you are around that child.
Remember that God can restore what was lost.
Remember that God cares about your relationship with your child.
“Keep working on the parent you want your child to know.”
Connie Albers
If you’re trying to figure out how to live with a rebellious child or an estranged adult child, ask God for opportunities to rewrite the story. He can restore, redeem, and make things new.
Fostering a foundation of respect between you and your teen requires time and intentionality. The good news is that your investment now pays off in the long run as you show your child respect.
Respecting each other is not just a good idea to help your relationship grow stronger, but God requires that we show respect. In I Peter 2:17 (NIV), the Bible says, “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.”
In this episode, I share ways you can foster respect between you and your child.
Ways to Foster Respect Between You and Your Teen
Understand your child’s point of view.
Remember, every person is made in God’s image.
Let your child feel seen and heard.
Look at your teen in the eyes
Serve one another
Monitor how you speak to each child
Over the years, I’ve seen well-intentioned parents who believed respect wasn’t a two-way street. They demanded to be respected by their child but failed to understand their responsibility to show respect to their child. When you take the time to show your child respect, your child will start to mirror your example.
