Sometimes it can be hard to be and to love where you are. It is so tempting to try to speed up time and pass over sticky, messy seasons. We want to rush through suffering and pain. But, there are lessons to be learned and relationships to be built in these seasons. Somer Colbert joins me in this episode to talk about these things and how to love where you are.
Somer knows what it’s like to walk through trials, especially in foster and adoption, but she also knows what it’s like to be in the trenches of raising and discipling kids. She has so much wisdom to share! In this conversation, she and I talk about:
Loving where you and not rushing through various seasons of lfe, especially the hard ones
Sharing Christ with others through our gifts and talents
Seeking relationship instead relief
Walking through the joys and disappointments of foster care and adoption
Living the perfect model found in Deuteronomy 6
Learning to live a life of prayer
Leaving behind panic parenting
I hope that you are encouraged by this conversation with Somer. Spend some time pondering Deuteronomy 6 this week and asking God how to implement the principles in your family!
About Somer Colbert
Somer Colbert is a writer, speaker, and host of the Love Where You Are podcast. She is the Director of Adoption and Foster Care Ministry at Crosschurch and Connected Champion with the Arkansas Baptist Children’s Home and Family Ministries where she creates support, awareness, and advocacy for families seeking to serve in the areas of adoption and foster care. Somer is also a part of the Hope in Grief writing team where she encourages families walking through adoption grief. She creates weekly podcast episodes and resources to equip and empower Christian families to identify their influence for the gospel in every season, live life on mission, and share Jesus right where they are. Somer is passionate about equipping spiritually healthy families and seeing a movement of God’s people step into confidence in their ability to change the world around them through the way they love! She resides in Arkansas with her husband, three kids, and three dogs. She’s obsessed with British docudramas and cooking shows and can always be found with a cup of hot tea in hand. Her life has been forever changed by the love of Jesus, marriage to her favorite person, parenting her crazy crew, and walking multiple adoption journeys.
You can’t ignore conflict and have that conflict just disappear. You also can’t resolve conflict by addressing it straight up. Working out conflicts is a complex process. Let’s talk through some ways that you can better handle conflict resolution, whether the person on the other side is your child, your spouse, your friend, or your coworker. The goal is to resolve conflict to restore relationships.
What to Do When You’ve Caused Conflict
Sometimes we hurt someone else’s feelings. We say things we flat out shouldn’t have said or maybe a joke didn’t land right with another person. Here are some practical things you can do whether your actions or words were intentional or whether they were misunderstood.
Don’t ignore the conflict.
Ask God how you can handle it.
Pay attention to your timing.
Pay attention to the words you use.
Consider the receiver, the person who has been offended. What is the best way that you can communicate with this person? You’ll find that reconciliation and restoration come so much more easily when you think about these things. You have to be the one to lead with humility. Show the other person that you care and you want to work through the misunderstanding to eliminate hindrances to your relationship.
Remember: you are not responsible for how the other person receives this from you. It is your responsibility to initiate and try to make it better. Try to see through their lens. Put forth the effort.
What to Do When You are the Offended
Let’s turn the tables. How should you respond when you are the person who has been offended by someone else’s words or actions? First, consider the source. If the goal is relationship, then go to that person, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and ask them about the situation. Explain how what happened is now straining your relationship with them. You may still have to be the initiator of this process when you’re the person who has been offended.
Forgiveness
What do you do when the other person isn’t aware they’ve done something to offend you? What about when you’ve hurt someone else and they don’t believe you when you go to them for reconciliation? Remember this verse:
If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
Romans 12:18 NKJV
Wounds can take time to heal. Sometimes that healing is very slow. You have to forgive and not hold on to the offense. Then prayerfully consider what your next steps are. This doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be hurt again, but also remembering that hurt is an unfortunate part of being in relationships with others.
Resolve Conflict: The Key to Relationships
Conflict resolution is so important. We must resolve the issues that happen in our everyday lives with the people we’re doing life with so we can continue to do life with them. The process can take time, so don’t quit. Ask God for the right timing, the right words, and the right heart. Also, ask that your words would land in a tender place in the other person’s heart.
It’s been a long road for this podcast, but I’ve stayed the course. The Equipped To Be podcast began just a few weeks before COVID hit and the world went into lockdown. I knew we were supposed to be doing this podcast. People had been asking me for a podcast for years. In February 2020, we prepared and went live at the end of that month. That was almost two years ago! And now, here we are at episode 100! Let’s take a look at these first 100 episodes and what is needed to stay the course.
I started this show for YOU, and I love your feedback. You’re always welcome to contact me directly with any comments or suggestions. Just use the contact form here to email me.
The First 100 Episodes
Let’s take a little walk down memory lane at some of the best and most downloaded episodes from these first 100 episodes.
We’ve had some amazing guests on the show. Take a look at some of these favorite guest episodes:
My goal is that with every episode of Equipped To Be, you’d come away with some nugget or point to ponder as you go about your day. That might be about your personal life, your relationship with your kids, schooling decisions, or so much more. I’m thankful that you’re here and pray that I can keep adding value to your life. I want you to succeed and be found faithful!
Staying the Course
People have asked me: How do you stay the course? It’s a little cliche, but if God calls you, He equips you. It’s so true! The thing to keep in mind is that the outcome is not as important as you getting started and staying the course, whatever that path is. Here are three things that you need to have in order to stay the course.
Internal Conviction
You have to have an internal conviction that you’re doing what you know you’re supposed to be doing. There’s a drive. You know you have to do this thing, no matter what else is going on around you. The enemy may come and try to make you question, but you know your calling. You may question, but God gives you the winks and nudges that you’re on the right path.
External Commitment
When something needs to be done, you get up and do it. This is an external commitment. Your children need you to get up and teach them, so you do it. You have a deadline to meet, so you work until it’s done. The house needs to be decluttered, the dinner needs to be made, the groceries need to be purchased, the budget needs to be balanced, so you follow through. I made an external commitment to show up here for you every Wednesday morning at 8 am. So, here I am, week after week.
Eternal Perspective
It’s not worth doing something just for an award or to have your name in the spotlight. It’s not wrong, in my opinion, to obtain these things, but they can’t be your only purpose in life. Does what you’re doing have eternal significance? At Equipped To Be, one of our goals is to strengthen families, and that makes a difference for the kingdom.
I’ll be honest. Sometimes, despite conviction, commitment, and perspective, there will be days when you’re more productive and some days when you feel like you’re grinding it out. God is simply looking for two things: your obedience and your willingness.
The Future
Thank you for sticking with us for 100 episodes. I’m excited about what’s coming in the future!
Why does knowing your strengths, talents, and the domain order matter?
If you missed episodes #71,#72, or #73, go back and listen to those first before jumping into this episode.
Here are three reasons why you should utilize the Talent Theme Domains.
It gives an individual another way to think about their talents. If you know the underlying motivation, you can communicate more effectively. We can better understand why we do what we do. Believing God has given you and others unique talents, gifts, and strengths allows you to use words and phrases intentionally.
It gives an individual more confidence in mitigating their weaknesses. Rather than focusing on their bottom Talent Theme, the individual can look at the Talent Themein the same domain that is highest in their sequence and determine how to use that talent to achieve the result the results they are looking for. You gain more confidence when you learn how to manage your weaknesses regarding Talents. Now, I want to remind you there are no bad strengths. One strength is no better than another. The purpose is to see what is good and right about you. I’m just going to repeat this. I think I’ve said it in every episode. But it needs to be repeated because we tend to see what’s wrong with us and others, which causes anxiety and strife. The purpose of this series is that I want to help you know what is good and right about you. God formed and fashioned you; he made you exactly as he wanted you to be. Should you work on areas of your life? We do because we need to; we’re not perfect. We are in the process of being polished and refined, and that takes intentionality.
It gives you a way to look for gaps and learn how you speak to others to get people moving in a specific direction. For example, to get your children to do what you’re asking them to do or get them to talk about something important to them. If you learn how to utilize the Talent Theme Domain buckets, you can motivate your children or even yourself to move towards that goal.
Invite your friends to tune in. You should also go back and listen to the first three parts of the Strengths series on Knowing Your Strengths. I hope and pray that this is a huge blessing to you and helps communicate with your children, spouse, friends, co-workers, and ministry leaders better. It’s just so important to learn to pause for a moment and think about how others will hear what you say.
If you’re a note-taker, press pause for a second. I want you to write something down: It’s not about what you say. It’s about what someone else hears that matters.
For example, you can communicate a request thinking others know the intent behind your words, but it comes off as a command to the hearer. On the other hand, not thinking first can cause a simple request to fold the laundry to come across as an abrupt or demanding void of empathy or compassion.We want others to hear our words to land in a tender place of someone’s heart. So we can’t be harsh or reckless with our words.
Focusing on your Talent Themes and where they place in the order of dominance can make a huge difference in your relationships.The Gallup Organization puts talents into four domains: The Relating Theme, Impacting Theme, Striving (Executive) Theme, and Thinking Theme.
We can use the knowledge of Talents to identify negative labels as clues to a talent. In addition, learning to use negative labels as clues can positively benefit those we love.
Four Talent Theme Domains
Relating Talents—used to create, develop, and sustain relationships effectively. Prompt how a person reaches out to others and responds to those who reach out to them.
Adaptability
Developer
Connectedness
Empathy
Harmony
Includer
Individualization
Positivity
Relator
Influencing Talents—contained in themes used to motivate others to action. Prompts a person to set a course for individuals and groups to follow and then get them moving along that course. Stimulate others to be more productive, reach for excellence, and fulfill personal potential.
Activator
Command
Communication
Competition
Maximizer
Self-Assurance
Significance
Woo
Striving Talents—contained in the themes used to push the self towards results motivates a person to get things done, then seek greater accomplishments. Distinctive motivations that influence individuals to do the same task differently. Striving themes are the fuel that propels people to excel, take risks, and set high expectations.
Achiever
Arranger
Belief
Consistency
Deliberative
Discipline
Focus
Responsibility
Restorative
Thinking Talents—the way people gather, process, and make decisions with information and mental images. People think in the past, present, or future. Thinking themes influence one’s view of the world, the way they treat others, interpret current events, solve problems, and create opportunities.
Analytical
Context
Futuristic
Ideations
Input
Intellection
Learner
Strategic
Words to Use When Describing Negative Labels.
Use those labels as clues to see the positive side of their characteristics:
Controlling say In-Control
Bossy use Assertive, Determined
Doormat use Flexible
Obstinate use Persistent
Anti-social use Inner-directed
Uncooperative, antagonistic use Independent thinker
Smart-aleck use Clever
Nosey use Curious
Not a team player use Self-motivated, Inner-directed
Think about the positive attributes of negative words. Our words have the power to build up or tear down. By taking the time to think before we speak, we will be heard and understood more clearly.
God uses people to accomplish his will. He expects us to engage with the world around us in an understanding way. Furthermore, we are to teach and train our children in the way they should go. Leading our children by speaking in a way they hear can have a dramatic impact on your relationship.
God has uniquely wired people to complete their assignments.
Thank you for tuning in. We would love for you to leave a review. Unfortunately, I forget to ask you to leave a review regularly or to hit the subscribe button in your favorite podcast app so it pops up in your feed so that you can listen every Wednesday at 8:00 AM Eastern.
*Note: if you purchase one of the books with a code, you do not need to buy an additional code from Gallup. But, don’t buy a used one. The chances are that code has already been used.
**If you have a tween or younger teen, I recommend that they take Strengths Explorer. It is geared for kids ages 10-14.
Self-protection isn’t new. People disappoint us, so we put up walls. God doesn’t answer our prayer, so we stop praying. We deal with pain and suffering by self-protecting. It feels safer. But, is it how Jesus handled pain and suffering? Did he avoid people who hurt him? No. Then maybe we should live by his example.
Life can be messy. Very messy. Faith might seem hard to hold on to, especially if your prayers seem to fall on deaf ears. But, are you allowing self-protection to hurt your faith and friendships?
Guilty of Self-protection?
A friend recently shared something about self-protection from the book 40-Days to Decrease by Alicia Britt Chole. Her text was so good that I had to pull my own copy off the shelf and read more.
I found myself wondering if I’m guilty of self-protection. Sadly, I am. Most of us are. I think the longer we live, the more pain and suffering we’ll experience, but we have a choice: Put up walls or let our light shine by being different.
In this episode, I share some reasons people self-protect, what God’s taught me about not using self-protection to keep others at a distance, and why we should follow Jesus’s example.
The Solution to Self-Protection
Instead of avoiding people and uncomfortable situations, Jesus chose to be fully present. He knew what was about to happen to him. He knew he would be betrayed, mocked, and rejected. He could have put up walls and distanced himself from others. Why didn’t he? Because he knew freedom comes through suffering, not avoidance. He endured much, but he embraced the moment.
Are you hurting your faith and friendship by protecting yourself? You don’t have to live that way. It’s a choice. Freedom doesn’t come by way of not experiencing pain or suffering. It’s the opposite.
Take some time to consider the impact of living a life that constantly tries to keep God and friends at bay. May I invite you to consider removing the walls you’ve so carefully constructed so your faith and friendships can flourish?
*If you are in an abusive situation, seek help. Don’t stay in an abusive relationship or put yourself in harm’s way.
Do your words roll off your tongue and land in a tender place of your child’s heart or do they wound their spirit? Words have power, so using them carefully will help you strengthen your relationship and reduce conflict. It’s not always what you say, but what others hear that matters. You can build relationships by monitoring your mouth!
