Welcome to our heartfelt discussion, in which most of us are never really prepared to let go of our children. We can remember toddler days, middle school meltdowns, and high school proms. But what about when children move out? It’s a pivotal moment that every parent faces. I wasn’t prepared for the wave of emotions that would overwhelm me when our first child moved out.
Today, I’m focusing on the profound act of letting go and releasing our kids with grace into the world. As we navigate this transition, we’ll explore what it means to step back while lovingly holding a supportive space. This episode is filled with insights and stories to guide you through the emotional nuances of watching your children carve their own paths. I pray this episode will be of help to you as you learn how to embrace this bittersweet milestone with open hearts and a generous spirit.
Many experts believe there are signs parents should look for as the school year comes to a close. That’s why I’m excited to share this episode with you and your family. I want you to know how to help your kids manage stress so they can know what they can do in future situations.
Reshaping Our Connection
Letting go of our children as they venture into adulthood is a bittersweet journey that all parents must face. This essential transition involves understanding that our children naturally seek independence, a vital part of their development.
As parents, our role evolves from being hands-on guides to supportive advisors. It’s also a time to redefine our relationships with them, transitioning to an adult-to-adult dynamic. This process isn’t just about stepping back—it’s about reshaping our connections to respect their new-found autonomy while continuing to offer love and support from a new perspective.
Understanding the Transition
Navigating the journey from childhood to adulthood is a pivotal aspect of both parenting and a child’s development. Understanding the nuances of this transition is essential for maintaining a healthy and evolving relationship as children grow into independence.
The Natural Progression
The Natural Progression: Children’s pursuit of independence is a natural, healthy part of their growth. From the early days of asserting their preferences in clothes and food to making significant life decisions such as choosing a college or a career path, this drive for autonomy is crucial. It prepares them to face the world with confidence and resilience. As they grow, this need for self-sufficiency becomes more pronounced, manifesting in their desire to explore, make their own mistakes, and learn from them. Acknowledging this progression is essential for parents to understand that stepping back is not a sign of losing connection but rather a necessary phase of development that supports their child’s journey toward becoming a well-rounded adult.
The Parent’s Role
The Parent’s Role As children edge toward independence, the parental role must undergo a transformation. The transition from being the primary decision-maker to a guide on the sidelines can be challenging. Parents need to shift from hands-on management to offering advice and support when asked. This doesn’t mean parents become less important; instead, their involvement becomes more strategic. It’s about knowing when to step in and when to let children navigate their own paths. This advisory capacity helps build trust and respect in the relationship, showing children that while their parents are always there for support, they also believe in their ability to make decisions.
Redefining Relationships
Redefining Relationships As children mature, the dynamic between parent and child must also evolve to reflect an adult-to-adult relationship. This redefinition is crucial for maintaining a healthy, respectful bond. Parents and children need to learn to interact on more equal grounds, discussing life’s challenges and successes without the hierarchical implications that typically define a parent-child relationship. This might involve setting new boundaries and finding new ways to communicate that respect both the parent’s wisdom and the child’s autonomy. Successfully navigating this shift can lead to a richer, more fulfilling relationship that continues to thrive as both parties acknowledge and adjust to their evolving roles.
This evolving relationship paves the way for discussing specific examples that illustrate how you can effectively guide and support your children as they navigate the complexities of adulthood.
Strategies for Letting Go
As your child grows and steps into the world as an independent adult, you must adapt and embrace this new phase of life as a parent. Here are some heartfelt strategies for letting go that can help ease the transition and foster a positive transformation in both your life and your child’s.
Seek Community
You’re not alone in this journey. Many other parents are experiencing similar feelings as they adjust to their children growing up and moving out. Connecting with others who understand what you’re going through can be incredibly comforting and enlightening. Whether it’s joining a support group, participating in community activities, or simply sharing stories and tips with friends, building a network of support helps lighten the emotional load and provides a broader perspective on the transition.
Practice Self-Care
As you navigate this chapter of letting your child step into independence, it’s crucial to remember to take care of yourself, too. Prioritize your own well-being, both emotionally and physically. It’s not just about finding peace with the changes around you but also about replenishing your spirit and strength. Whether it’s through meditation, a new hobby, or regular exercise, nurturing yourself ensures you have the energy and positivity to support your child—and embrace your own journey of growth and rediscovery.
Keep Perspective
It’s vital to keep perspective on what letting go truly means. Remember, releasing your grip doesn’t signify an end—it’s an important part of fostering independence in your child. By letting go, you’re not losing a relationship but transforming it. This is a time to celebrate the role you’ve played in your child’s journey to becoming a confident, self-reliant adult. Embrace this as a natural, positive step in life’s cycle that opens up new possibilities for you and your child. Embracing these strategies not only helps you let go with grace but also enhances your ability to enjoy and appreciate this new stage in your relationship with your child. It’s a journey worth celebrating, filled with growth, love, and new beginnings.
Final Thougths
As you prepare for a new season of life, it’s important to hold close to the beautiful truth that letting go isn’t about losing a part of our journey with our children but rather an essential step in their growth and ours. Celebrate the amazing individuals your children are becoming—their resilience, successes, and the paths they are carving for themselves. Remember, while your role as a parent evolves, it remains profoundly significant. Your ongoing support continues to be a cornerstone in their lives, adapting to meet the needs of this new chapter. Embrace this change with a heart full of pride and a spirit ready to support them in new ways. Let’s look forward to the wonderful things ahead, cherishing every moment of this transition.
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Does overcoming obstacles seem nearly impossible? They sure have for me. But, I’ve learned practical ways to overcome obstacles and find a path to getting unstuck that might help you and your children.
We all encounter obstacles, but not everyone has the tools to turn these challenges into stepping stones. With faith, a positive outlook, and a few actionable steps, you can learn how to overcome obstacles that can keep you stuck. Whether you’re struggling with work, your personal life, or your child is struggling, there’s a way to gain forward movement.
While obstacles are common, learning to overcome them can change your future. Challenges don’t have to defeat us or keep us stuck. That’s why consistent time with the Lord and a community of friends can change that.
We all encounter obstacles, but not everyone has the tools to turn these challenges into stepping stones. That’s why I’m excited to share this episode with you and your family. I want you to learn not only how to get unstuck but also how to run your race with excellence.
Overcoming Obstacles by Identifying and Assessing
We can’t overcome obstacles if we don’t understand the problem. Which is why you have to be honest with yourself.
I like to begin by gathering as much information as possible about the circumstances, feelings, behavior, and thought patterns that are keeping me stuck. You can do this too.
Pray and ask the Lord to give you insights
Ask trusted friends or your family what they have observed about me
Write down why you feel the way you feel
Carefully examine where your thoughts and beliefs are coming from that you are believing about yourself.
The benefits of carefully assessing and identifying why you can’t overcome obstacles using these steps can be eye-opening. Once you or your child has completed these steps, I recommend looking for triggers and patterns that you might not realize are happening.
Understanding Triggers and Patterns
Learning to get beyond struggles that might be holding you back, requires identifying triggers and noticing patterns of thought and behavior.
What specific situation causes you to feel stuck?
What is your emotional reaction?
Do you have recurring thoughts and behaviors that cause you to pause?
By spending time on reflective listening, we can identify triggers and patterns of thought and behavior. The words we think and believe about ourselves are powerful, which is why we must not focus on addressing them.
Overcoming Obstacles Through Reflecting Listening
The purpose of reflective listening is to help one understand any deeply held beliefs about oneself or the world. When you take the time to pay attention to what you think or say, you can start to construct a plan that will move you forward.
I’m not good at ______?
I lack self-confidence.
What if I fail?
Fear of failure
Our underlying beliefs can cause internal frustration and emotional paralysis. The next step in getting unstuck is to identify where our thoughts, beliefs, and patterns are coming from.
Acceptance and Skills Development to Overcome Obstacles
Learning to accept where you are is a pathway to knowing what skills you need to develop to move forward. To do this well, we need to learn practical problem-solving skills to deal with specific situations that might be causing us to get stuck. Here are a few
Tell yourself the truth about a situation. Being honest with yourself is essential to learning.
Remind yourself that no one can make you feel or stay stuck. Others may say or do things that knock you down. They don’t have the power to keep you there.
Pray: Ask the Lord to help you develop problem-solving skills. Trying to get around obstacles on your own makes any situation more difficult. God has a plan for your obstacle; you need to know the plan.
Every new skill requires practice. I encourage you to write down the behavior you need to improve, the thoughts you want to change, and the patterns you want to challenge. Remember this: When God instructs us to lay something down, we are told what to pick up. It is easier to replace old habits with new ones. That takes practice.
Evaluate and Readjust
Throughout your life, you will be faced with many obstacles. For this reason, make it a habit to evaluate and readjust as needed. Consider what is working and change what isn’t. There is freedom in the pivot. Your approach to overcoming obstacles will change as you and your children grow and mature.
My prayer is that you can gain insight into the processes you need and learn effective ways to overcome obstacles so that you can move forward. I encourage you to tailor these tips to your specific needs and circumstances. The goal is to equip yourself with skills and tools that you can use when obstacles present themselves.
Are you lying awake at night wondering why trouble seems to find your teen? Do you find yourself asking why simple requests turn into heated arguments? Have you noticed changes in their behavior that don’t seem just “typical teenage stuff”? If you’re nodding along, feeling the weight of these questions, you’re not alone. Welcome to this episode of “Trouble with Teens,” a direct conversation to help parents seeking a lifeline as they navigate the rough season of adolescence. Let’s tackle these turbulent years together with strategies that will bring us closer to understanding our teens and guiding them through today’s complexities.
While trouble with teens isn’t uncommon, we can help teens on the edge from acting up or acting out. They are created on purpose and need us to guide them along a path to adulthood with confidence and joy.
Avoid Overreacting
Modeling Calmness: Teens are highly attuned to emotional responses. Showing them how to handle emotions calmly and constructively sets a powerful example.
Creating a Trusting Environment: When teens know they won’t be met with immediate judgment or anger, they’re more likely to come forward with their problems or mistakes.
Evaluate the Circumstances
Understanding Before Reacting: Take the time to fully understand the context of your teen’s actions or feelings. This might involve discussing their actions more deeply or considering the external pressures they’re facing.
Guidance, Not Judgment: Use these discussions as opportunities to guide and teach, rather than to criticize. It’s about helping them learn from their experiences.
Identify Their Surroundings
Acknowledge Peer Influence: Recognize the significant impact of peer groups and social environments. Discussing these influences can help teens become more aware of their own decision-making processes.
Environmental Awareness: Help them understand how different environments can lead to different types of behavior, and strategize ways to maintain integrity in challenging situations.
Be Proactive
Scenario Planning: Discuss “what-if” scenarios not as a way to induce fear, but to empower your teen with strategies and solutions for potential challenges.
Preparation Builds Confidence: Knowing they have a plan can help teens feel more confident in their ability to handle difficult situations.
Listen Actively
Full Engagement: Show your teen that you’re fully present in the conversation by putting away distractions and making eye contact.
Reflect and Clarify: Reflect back what you’ve heard and ask clarifying questions. This not only ensures you’ve understood their perspective but also shows that you’re genuinely interested in their thoughts and feelings.
Additional Considerations
Consistency is Key: Regular, casual conversations can foster a sense of normalcy around discussing complex issues. Making time for these talks can help keep communication lines open.
Encourage Self-Reflection: Encourage your teen to reflect on their feelings and actions independently. This self-reflection is a critical skill for emotional and psychological development.
Teenagers need clear expectations and routines, such as curfews, bedtime rituals, or homework schedules. These help them build healthy habits and learn responsibility. We start by being consistent in enforcing our family rules and explaining the consequences.
Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, the challenges our teens face may require professional intervention. Recognizing when it’s time to seek outside help is a sign of strength and proactive care, not a failure. Whether it’s counseling, therapy, or support groups, external resources can offer specialized guidance and support for navigating more complex issues. These professionals can provide a safe space for teens to explore their feelings and experiences and offer strategies and tools that parents might not have at their disposal. Engaging with these resources can be a valuable step in supporting your teen’s mental health and overall well-being, ensuring they have the comprehensive support they need to thrive. But do your research before sending your child to a counselor. Find someone or a group that aligns with your family’s faith and beliefs.
By employing these strategies, parents can help guide their teens through the challenges of adolescence with understanding, empathy, and effective communication. This approach not only addresses the immediate issues but also strengthens the parent-teen relationship, laying a foundation for trust and openness that can stand the test of time and troubles.
Remember, God tells us not to grow weary in well-doing. God is at work. Don’t give up!
Thank you for tuning in to Equipped To Be. Until next time, keep parenting with love and intention.
Welcome to our cozy corner of the podcast world, where I discuss the heart of strengthening families with honesty and wisdom. I’ve received several requests from listeners asking me about teaching life skills to children. I put together a topic close to every parent’s heart: teaching children life skills. This week, I share 5 skills parents must teach children. While there are more than five, the five I list are non-negotiable in nurturing well-rounded, happy children.
In an ever-changing and challenging world, teaching your kids about self-control, compassion, consistency, collaboration, and celebration isn’t just beneficial—it’s essential. Join me as I share the 5 Cs parents must teach children. Whether you’re a new parent or trying to navigate the teen years, these truths will help you lay a foundation for a future where your children not only make wise choices but also contribute to it with their unique personalities.
Teaching Self-Control
Think of self-control as a muscle that gets stronger with every use. To build this muscle in your children, begin by guiding them to recognize and name their emotions, reinforcing that it’s perfectly normal to feel everything from anger to excitement.
Introduce them to easy, calming techniques—like taking deep breaths or counting to ten—when they’re swamped by big feelings. Teach them the power of pausing to consider their actions before jumping in. Lead by example, showing self-control in your own actions, and don’t forget to celebrate their successes in managing their impulses. It’s all about taking small steps forward, celebrating progress over perfection.
Teaching Compassion
Compassion is about stepping into someone else’s shoes and feeling with them. Guide your child to sprinkle acts of kindness wherever they go, from lending a hand to a friend to showing love to their pets. Teach your child to actively listen and validate other’s emotions without judgment. Remind them that showing compassion not only benefits others but also brings joy and fulfillment to their own lives.
Teaching Consistency
Consistency is key to building habits and achieving goals. Parents must establish clear expectations and routines for their children, such as bedtime rituals or homework schedules. Be consistent in enforcing rules and consequences, but also provide flexibility for adaptation and growth. Help your child set realistic goals and break them down into manageable steps. Celebrate their progress along the way and encourage perseverance in the face of challenges.
Teaching Collaboration
While learning self-control, compassion, and consistency are important life skills, teaching children to collaborate can impact every aspect of their lives, from school projects to lifelong relationships. Steering children towards team-based activities, where they’ll learn to share their toys and not insist on getting their way, highlights the value of considering other perspectives and chasing shared ambitions. Don’t forget to show them how to celebrate their team spirit and jointly celebrate victories, big and small.
Learning to Celebrate
Imagine your child has poured their heart into piano practice for months and finally takes the stage for their first recital. Instead of solely focusing on their own performance or comparing themselves to others, encourage them to cheer for their fellow musicians. Celebrate not only your child’s hard work and dedication but also the achievements of their peers. Host a small gathering where everyone can share in the joy of each other’s performances, fostering a supportive and uplifting atmosphere. By teaching your child to cheer for others, you instill empathy, kindness, and a sense of community, nurturing their social skills and enriching their overall development.
Teaching kids these 5 Skills: Self-Control, Compassion, Collaboration, Consistency, and Celebration—is an investment in their future happiness and success. By nurturing these essential life skills, we equip our children to navigate challenges, build meaningful relationships, and thrive in a rapidly changing world. So, let’s lead by example, cultivate a nurturing environment, and cheer our children on every step of the way.
It might not seem like your efforts are working, but they are. Remember, God tells us not to grow weary in well-doing. You have years to teach these skills to your children.
Thank you for tuning in to Equipped To Be. Until next time, keep parenting with love and intention.
When should I give my child a smartphone? What is the perfect age? Some parents want to wait until the later teen years, while others think the tween years are better. Is there a right age?
Most parents have doubts about when their child should have a phone. They also, have different ideas of what is appropriate for their child. Here’s the truth: There is no one perfect age when a child should get a smartphone. There are pros and cons to consider before making such an important decision.
What Some Experts Recommend
Prior to the pandemic, the recommended age was when the child entered the eighth grade. And that might be a good age for some of your children. However, now the suggested age is between 10-14, or during middle school, which is the perfect age because kids are still very connected to their parents. They rely on their parents to shuttle them around, which makes teaching a child proper smartphone usage easier.
Also, research indicates most children have already had access to a smartphone by middle school. So, parents need to have smartphone conversations early to establish guidelines and family rules before unacceptable habits get formed.
Since some recommend giving a child a smartphone, how should we decide what is best for our child?
Why Kids Need a Smartphone: Factors to Consider for Safety and Independence
Living in separate households or gaining independence during the middle school years, there are valid reasons why children may require a smartphone at a younger age. Providing a means for them to stay connected fosters a sense of security and peace of mind.
Increased independence: As kids grow and become involved in work, sports, and travel, a smartphone grants them the freedom to coordinate plans, stay connected with peers, and navigate their schedules more efficiently.
Enhanced Safety: With children spending more time alone at home or engaging in various activities, a smartphone allows them to reach out during emergencies or moments of distress, alleviating anxiety and ensuring their well-being.
As parents, it is crucial to evaluate both the necessity and preparedness of your child before providing them with a phone. By considering these factors, you can make an informed decision that prioritizes their safety and development.
Smartphone Readiness: Key Factors to Consider
When contemplating whether to give a child a smartphone, it is important to assess their readiness based on several essential markers:
Displays Good Judgment: Observing sound decision-making skills and responsible behavior in other aspects of their life indicates the level of maturity needed for smartphone usage.
Trustworthy and Open Communication: A child who can be relied upon to approach you with problems and admit their mistakes demonstrates a level of trustworthiness necessary for responsibly handling a smartphone.
Adherence to Rules: Willingness to agree to and follow established rules regarding device usage, including time limits and appropriate content, showcases their ability to exercise self-discipline and respect boundaries.
Deciding to grant a child a smartphone should be done thoughtfully and with prayerful consideration. It is acceptable to wait until you see signs of maturity and feel a sense of peace about the decision.
Signs that Indicate a Child Might Not Be Ready for a Smartphone
It is important to consider various factors before deciding whether a child is ready for a smartphone. Here are some signs that indicate a child might not be ready:
Your own readiness: If you, as a parent, feel hesitant or unprepared to introduce a smartphone to your child, it may be a sign that they are not ready.
False pressure: If there is a sense of external pressure, such as peer or societal influence, to provide a phone to your child, it may not be the right time.
Lacking social decision-making ability: Children who have not yet developed the necessary skills to make responsible decisions in social contexts may not be prepared for the challenges and distractions that come with owning a smartphone.
Age considerations: There are many psychologists who suggest that children under the age of 14 may not be ready to navigate the potential distractions and temptations associated with smartphones.
Ultimately, every child is different, and determining their readiness for a smartphone requires careful consideration of their individual maturity, responsibility, and ability to handle the device’s potential impact on their well-being and development. And to consider the impact on your relationship.
What Should You Do Before Buying A Smartphone
Deciding whether a child is ready for a smartphone is just the initial consideration. Prior to purchasing a device, it is essential to ensure both you and your child are fully prepared for what lies ahead. This requires preparation and maintaining ongoing communication, encompassing the following steps:
Establishing mutual agreement on ground rules, including designated screen-free times.
Configuring parental controls and carefully selecting suitable apps.
Engaging in open conversations about potential online content they may encounter.
Familiarizing yourselves with digital etiquette and safety guidelines.
Formulating a written agreement that outlines the responsibilities and expectations associated with smartphone usage.
Do not succumb to external pressure when it comes to granting your child a phone. As the parent, you possess the insight to determine what your child genuinely needs and what aligns with your family’s values. Remember, you have the authority to establish and modify rules and guidelines as necessary to ensure a positive and safe digital environment for your child. A device is a tool. It’s up to you to know when your child is ready for a smartphone.
Are you raising interdependent, independent, or co-dependent children? What you decide can have a huge impact on your children. Lori Wildenberg and I discuss why we need to raise interdependent children and how it can reduce their anxiety while increasing family connectedness.
As a mother of four adult children and a licensed parent and family educator, Lori shares her unique perspective on what is happening to families and how parents can reduce their children’s anxiety throughout the parenting journey.
Independent Children
Throughout our years, Lori and I have come across numerous experts who promote the idea of cultivating independence in children. They argue that it equips them with the confidence to navigate the world successfully. While this notion holds some truth, it falls short when considering the significance of maintaining familial connections after leaving home. In fostering independence, there is a risk of inadvertently instilling a belief that an individual can thrive without the support of others.
Co-dependent Children
Conversely, certain parents display an extreme level of protectiveness towards their children, refraining from making decisions independently due to apprehension of making a mistake. This co-dependency often leads to a diminished sense of confidence.
Interdependent Children
Interdependency plays a vital role in our lives. It encompasses relying on others for moral, emotional, and spiritual support. When a child has a strong bond with their parents, this connection often continues even after they leave home. It’s not driven by obligation or guilt, but rather by the reassurance of knowing that someone will be there for them as they navigate the world around them.
Find a Balance
We want our children to be able to make decisions on their own. We don’t want them to be insecure and completely rely on us. That’s why we must consider how we raise our children.
When you focus on raising interdependent children, you can reduce your child’s anxiety and strengthen family connectedness.
About Lori Wildenberg
Helping families build relationships that last a lifetime is Lori Wildenberg’s passion. Lori, a licensed parent and family educator, is a national speaker and award-winning author or coauthor of six parenting books listed below. The Wildenberg home is nestled in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. Lori is Mom to four, Mom-in-Love to three, and Mimi to four. A perfect day in Lori’s world is a hike with Tom (her hubby) and their growing family!
